Posted by Eleventy7
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My
husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" She replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered
he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."
Posted by ShawO
Posted by Eleventy7
more than happy wiv that
Posted by mhorton
That's cool
Posted by swazi
Do u believe in love at first sight or do I have 2 walk by again
Posted by Eleventy7
That's not a funny joke, just a cheesy chat-up line!
Posted by tranquil
A guy comes in to a pub and notice a jar of money on the counter.
He asks what it is there for and the bar tender tells him to put a ten pound note in it before he can reveal the secret.
After having done so he's told he can win the whole jar by doing 3 exersices.
1 drink a whole bottle of Scotch, bottoms up with no funny faces.
2 free the pit bull in the back yard for it's tooth ace by pulling out it's tooth with his bare hands.
3 free the 90 year old woman upstairs for her virginity.
I'll give it a go the chap says.
1 bottle of scotch, no problem...
Off into the back yard. Screaming, shouting and all sorts of sounds you would combine with pain was heard in the pub. Then, silence....
The guys in the bar thought the cappie was dead by now. Then all of a sudden he stumbles in, ripped shirt, blood all over and really looked like he'd had a hard time out there.
"OK!" he shouts "So where is this 90 year old bat with a tooth ace?"
_________________
[ This Message was edited by: tranquil on 2002-11-04 14:16 ]
Posted by tranquil
Oh, just had these on an e-mail at work...
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking
like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had
something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling
home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the
road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy,
"It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul.
He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick
O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella
that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy?
Shamus stumbles around a bit,
awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one
night and, of course, his car is weaving
violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
"where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, "that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin'to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.
"Please don't tell me.."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda.
He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no.
Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father.."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles:
"Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either".
Posted by bingo
OK.... is there anyone left in here who HASN'T posted the "Miles from Dublin" joke?
Posted by tranquil
Sorry...
I didn' even know it was there, I only copied a e-mail I got whilst writing the one before my last post. I know, I probably should have read thrug them before flinging them in here.
Please forgive me...
Posted by shithappens
no worries....still funni tho.....
Posted by tranquil
Posted by tranquil
This one then?
> THE DIRTY MIND TEST
> 1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same
> as intercourse?
>
> 2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
>
> 3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches
> long, has a head on it, and that women love so much, they
often blow it?
>
> 4. What word starts with f and ends with uck?
>
> 5. Name five words that are each four letters long, ends in unt.
> One of which is a word for a woman?
>
> 6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
>
> 7. What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if
you can't get one you can use your hands?
>
> 8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a
> girl fat?
>
> 9. What four letter word ends in it and is found on the bottom of
> birdcages?
>
> 10.What is it that all men have one of, is longer on some
> men, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives to his wife
> after they are married?
>
>
> The Answers:
>
>
> THE DIRTY MIND TEST
> 1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same
> as intercourse?
> talk
> 2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
> legs
> 3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches
> long, has a head on it, and that women love so much, they
> often blow it?
> A £10 note
> 4. What word starts with f and ends with uck?
> firetruck
> 5. Name five words that are each four letters long, ends in unt.
> One of which is a word for a woman?
> bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
> 6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
> pants
> 7. What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if
you can't get one you can use your hands?
> fork
> 8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a
> girl fat?
> a Snickers bar
> 9. What four letter word ends in it and is found on the bottom of
> birdcages?
> grit
> 10.What is it that all men have one of, is longer on some
> men, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives to his wife
> after they are married?
> their surname
Posted by tranquil
One more today...
>
> I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
>
> Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them
>
> I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
>
> Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive
>
> WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
>
> You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
>
> BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore
>
> I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made
>
> So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
>
> Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
>
> I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing
>
> I'm just driving this way to pee you off
>
> Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
>
> Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
>
> It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you
>
> I took an IQ test and the results were negative
>
> Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
>
> Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
>
> If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you
>
> 1,000,000 sp*rm and YOU were the fastest??
>
> Jesus loves you, the rest of us think you're an idiot
>
> Forget world peace - visualize turning off your indicator!
>
> HANG UP AND DRIVE!
>
> Where there's a will...I want to be in it!
>
> Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
>
> I have the body of a God .......... Buddha
>
> This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me
>
> If we quit voting will they all go away?
>
> This bumper sticker exploits illiterates
>
> Eat right, exercise, die anyway
>
> Honk if anything falls off
>
> I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere
>
> He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit
>
> He who laughs last thinks slowest
>
Posted by ShawO
Yeah, don't fret over it tranquil...
but i heard that one before too...
- So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
- Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
- Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking?
- Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
- How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?
- I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you,
I've changed my mind.
- I must admit,
you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
- As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
- Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
- Someday I hope to get married.
But not to you.
- Happy birthday!
You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
- When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
- We have been friends for a very long time...
what say we stop now?
- I'm so miserable without you.
It's almost like you're here.
- Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
[ This Message was edited by: ShawO on 2002-11-05 13:00 ]
Posted by bingo
@Tranquil
"Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them "
Love that - my new motto if you don't mind me nicking it!
Posted by tranquil
Did I say that? Yes I did, didn't I? God, that's terrible...
Posted by tranquil
OK...
To make up for that, here is a bit of moral foy you
Moral of the donkey
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
-
-
-
-
-
Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back and kicked the shit out of the farmer that tried to bury him.
Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
Posted by Eleventy7
A German corporation
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
An Italian corporation
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A Russian corporation
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting and open another bottle of vodka.
A Swiss corporation
You have 5,000 cows none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A Hindu corporation
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A Chinese corporation
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A Welsh corporation
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute.
An English corporation
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
Posted by Eleventy7
A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.
"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''
''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.
''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!"
''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!''
''Damn, that really is a drag!''
''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''
''That would sure mess up my day."
''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''
Posted by shithappens
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ouch!! my sides just split......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ouch (again)....
Posted by shithappens
here's my contribution:
A stunning 19 year old gal brought her boyfriend home one afternoon and introduced him to her parents. Dad wuz sitting on the sofa with the newpapers with the telly on. Mom wus knitting on the rocking chair.
After a brief chit chat, the gal brought the guy up to her room. The door locked behind them and they started getting into it hot and heavy.
After 15 minutes, mom looks up at dad and says, "It's awfully quite up there...maybe you should go look see?" Dad reluctantly puts down his papers and climbs the stairs to her room and took a peek into the keyhole. He then returns to his seat and papers and says, "It's alright, they're just kissin and fondlin one nother"
Another 15 minutes passes and the mom beckons dad to go see again. Dad's upset at the interuption but complies nevertheless. He peeks, then returns to his papers saying, "Nuthin much, they're undressed and doing the 69 is all"
A further 15 minutes passes and the mom makes her request once again. Dad's real pissed at the constant irritation and interuption but he loves his wife so he complies and go take a peek. His face turn bright red, then black and he kicks open the door in all his fury, runs in, grab the astonished young man by the hair and tosses him out of the window. "I LET YOU INTO MY HOUSE, LET YOU KISS AND FONDLE MY ONLY DAUGHTER, EVEN LET YOU F**K HER SILLY BUT YOU NEVER, EVER, WIPE YOUR DI*K ON MOMMA'S CURTAINS!!"
Posted by d_kid
TWO WOMEN WENT OUT ONE WEEKEND without their husbands. On the way home, before dawn, they felt the desperate urge to pee and the only place to stop in was the cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they decided to pee there in spite of the fears. the first one did not have anything to wipe herself with, so she used her panties and then discarded them. The second woman, not finding anything either, thought "i'm not getting rid of my panties", so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath by a gravestone to clean herself with.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one said to the other, "we have to be on the look-out, it seems that our wives were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties". The other responded, "You're LUCKY. Mine came home with the card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you!"
Posted by d_kid
A woman walks into her sex thearapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and the rarely have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it? The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viagra that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give him one pill that night, and come back in the morning to tell her what happens The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling the therapist the viagra worked, and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills? The therapist replies she dosn't know but says to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist tha the sex was even better than the night before. She asks the therapist what whould happen if she gave him five pills? The therapist once again tells her to give it a try. The following day the woman comes back in LIMP BUT HAPPY, tells the therapist the sex just keeps getting better and better. She asks what would happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle? The therapists tells her its a new drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle would do to a person. The woman leaves the office and puts the rest of the pills in her husbands morning coffee. A week later a boy walks into the therapists office and asks: are you the "idiot" who gave my MOTHER a bottle of Viagra? Why yes young man I did, Why? Well mom's dead My sister's Pregnant, My A-- Hurts And Dad just sits in the corner going, "Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty..."
Posted by mhorton
"While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the limit),I passed over a bridge only to find a a cop with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Traffic Ticket: £95.00
Court Costs: £45.00
The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS
Posted by shithappens
simply PRICELESS!!!! keep the quality stuff comin.....
Posted by jcpsad
hahahahahahaha
) this thread is cool! hahahahahahaha )
Posted by Eamonn
Re: The subject of this thread
It says 'Post Your funny Jokes Here'. But aren't jokes supposed to be funny!?!?!
Posted by Eleventy7
Eamonn, your point being what exactly?
Posted by Eamonn
Its all written there!
Posted by Eleventy7
Cheeky. Bastid.
Posted by Eamonn
lol
Posted by lor
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter
evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples
eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at
them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a
couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or
more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his
order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple
took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the
tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one
drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it
in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully
counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly
placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink,
his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to
get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That
poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came
over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another
meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were
just fine. Theywere used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged
them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady
explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly
with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again, he came
over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being
politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old
lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. "
What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The Teeth"
Posted by lor
A guy's in the bar when an alien from outer space walks
through the door and sits next to him.
The drunk thinks nothing of it, trying to maintain good inter-
galactic peace, and all.
The alien orders himself a drink. When he's halfway through
with the drink, he licks his green finger, and then sticks the
finger in the drunk's ear.
The drunk's irritated, but again, in the interest of seeing there's
no interstellar war, he says nothing.
The alien pulls his finger out, finishes his drink, and then
orders another one. Once he reaches the half-way point in
that drink, he again licks his finger, then puts that finger into
the drunk's ear.
"Hey, Buddy, how 'bout let's lay off the ear pokin', what do you
say?"
Well, as you know, halfway through the alien's third drink, the
alien licks and sticks once again. The drunk has forgotten his
peaceful ways and says, as forcibly as he can, "Look,
asshole, if you do that again, I'm gonna rip your balls off!"
The alien orders one more drink. Stirs it for awhile . . . and,
you guessed it, licks that green finger and again sticks it right
in the drunk's ear.
"Goddammit!!!" the drunk roars, and reaches between the
alien's legs to carry out his threat. But there's "nothing there".
The drunk's a little confused. "Man, if you've got no balls,
then how do you screw?"
The alien licks his finger and sticks it in the drunk's ear.
Posted by lor
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower
upstairs. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up
to his wife at the bathroom window, "Where is the rake?" She can't
hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee, and
finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says,
"What?!" The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE...THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first
points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she
points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that
one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the
friggin' hell was THAT?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH."
Posted by lor
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three
sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of
the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow
was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to
her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke
to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the
hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When
he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She
said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you
will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your
parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four
times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid
drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid
said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I
will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven
times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him
in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in
the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless
prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And
there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right
if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young
son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The
mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said,
"Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was
reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times
in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect
health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty
times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Posted by lor
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when
her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The
Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically
trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass,
and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.
The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but
he can't take it!"
Posted by lor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar
behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The
man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there.
He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?"
The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass
three tests then you get all of the money."
"What are the three tests?"
"Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the
jar with the other bills.
Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do.... First you have to
drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once
AND, you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore
tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm
in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
The man responds, "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not
an idiot, I can't do all that... it's impossible!
"Well, you asked, and I told you... those are the rules, and your
money stays in the jar."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs
it with a big slurp.
Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and
eventually silence.
Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all
over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Posted by lor
Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby was a man?
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you,
so
he goes for the next best thing -- your sister. Far from being an
issue,
this can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins
involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your
relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal
and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
********************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per
spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a
great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you
to
perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely
painful for a man.
This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him, buy him
a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
********************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The
man
is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from
being
pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful
affair, and to get back to you is a relief for him. Just look at how
emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. The
best
thing to do is to buy him a expensive present,and cook him a nice meal
and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
*******************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess
with
it, do it in your own time. To help with thefamily budget you may wish
to
videotape yourself while doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish
guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present,
and cook him a delicious meal.
**********************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not
love
your man as much as you should -- he has to work a lot to get you in the
mood.
Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a
nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
********************
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating
feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to
him
and show your love to him by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't
forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Posted by lor
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument,
and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
******
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a
large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get
his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me
through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey
Posted by lor
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten
out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her
daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the
world.
Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it
was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for
six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And
we know what that means.
One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she
undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy
panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the
panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting
lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing
there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except
that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"
He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."
Posted by lor
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every
single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her
to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my
business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were
by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to
fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Posted by tranquil
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
> He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100
> dollars?"
>
> "Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away. He turns around,
> runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
> "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
> "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs again
> around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite your
> breasts for 10,000 dollars?"
> She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm 10,000 dollars eh?
> Ok, but not here.
> Let's go to that dark alley over there" So they go to that alley and she
> takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
>
> As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them,
> fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but no biting.
>
> In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks:
> "Are you gonna bite them or what?"
> "Nah", he replies. "Too expensive."
>
Posted by Silencer
Why do women have legs?
- So they don't leave snail tracks on the linoleum floor!
Posted by Silencer
What's the Blonde's cheer?
"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N...........ah, oh well, I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea!"
Posted by pachy
What does DNA stand for ?............... National Dislexic association.
Posted by Eleventy7
News just in: Michael Barrymore will not be appearing in pantomine this Christmas, apaprently he's already done a-lad-in already this year
Posted by shithappens
guys, my contribution this week, bon apetite (no pun intended!!!)
SHIT LIST – Nothing But Excrement!!
THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit".
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushing.
THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs. DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shit. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
NO MORE SHIT
No, I’m serious. This is the end...
Posted by tranquil
African Rituals
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African tribe
whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain
age, a string is tied around their penises and on the other end is a
weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked down at him and said, "Whadaya say we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string
and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal
experiment coming?"
"Well, it looks like we're half way there," he replied.
"You've grown to 12 inches?!"
"No . . . it's turned black."
Posted by Eleventy7
An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"