Posted by lor
Loved the 5 stages !!!!
lol, keep em coming
wooooo
Posted by mhorton
Yeah it was funny
Posted by mhorton
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late
one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's
nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole.
It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when
he was 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone
marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
Posted by mhorton
Why do people take an instant dislike to Arsenal ??
It saves time.
Why do Arsenal fans whistle on the toilet ??
So they know which end to wipe.
Why do Arsenal men like smart women ??
Opposites attract.
What do you call an Arsenal fan in a 3 bedroom semi ??
A burglar.
What do you say to an Arsenal fan with a job ??
"can I have a Big Mac!"
What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit ??
The accused.
Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in an Arsenal strip?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarassment.
Did you hear the one about the kid who asked for a cowboy outfit for Christmas ??
His Dad got him an Arsenal kit.
What do you call an Arsenal fan with half a brain ??
Gifted.
How do the braincells of an Arsenal fan die ??
Alone.
How do you make an Arsenal fan's eyes light up ??
Shine a torch in his ears.
Why should you not allow Arsenal fans a coffee break at work ??
Because it takes too long to retrain them.
What do you call the Arsenal team standing ear to ear ??
A wind tunnel.
Why did the Arsenal fan get sacked from the M & M factory ??
He kept throwing out the W's.
What do you call a fly inside an Arsenal fans head ??
A Space Invader.
A is for Arse, a team that's truly awful
B is for Boring, boring boring Arsen*l
C is for Corruption, bung and all
D is for Donkey, who can't kick a ball
E is for Endsleigh, that's where they belong
F is for Fine, they'll be paying another before long
G is for Graham, the most successful chief
H is for Ha Ha Ha, he was really a thief
I is for Incidents, in a past they can't bury
J is for Jensen, who didn't score too many
K is for Kill, that's what they do to the game
L is for Laugh, when they bring it into shame
M is for Merson, who sniffed up a line
N is for Nayim, from the half way line
O is for Offside, their favourite tactic
P is for Paris, and we were ecstatique
Q is for Quick, get past the back four
R is for Rubbish, 'cos they're really that poor
S is for Sunday, in April '91
T is for Tottenham, who beat the scum 3-1
U is for Ugly, so much of it, it should really be in a bank
W is for Wank, Ian Wank, Wank, Wank
Y is for Why, are they such a big bore
Z is for Zero, 'cos that's all that they score
Q. How long has Tony Adams played for Arsen*l?
A. Donkeys years.
Q. How many Arsen*l players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Eleven - one to change it and ten to play the offside trap.
Heard the one about David Seaman? He never keeps a clean sheet.
When Gazza scored at Wembley, Seaman was all over the place.
Q. What's the difference between Paul Merson and the rest of the Arsen*l team?
A. One takes dope and the rest are dopes.
Q. What have Paul Merson and a can of Coca Cola got in common?
A. Their both red and white and full of coke.
Q. Why is the pitch at Highb*ry so green?
A. Because they keep putting lots of shit on it.
Q. Where do Arsen*l players / fans go to die?
A. (Answer needed, apply within)
Q. Where do Arsen*l players / fans go on holiday?
A. (Answer needed, apply within)
666 - The number of the beast. 6 - The number of the donkey.
Q. How come Arsen*l fans don't fall asleep during a match?
A. The smell of their ground keeps them awake.
Q. What's the highest selling item in the Arsen*l souvenir shop?
A. Pro-plus (sleep repellant).
Q. What's the second highest selling item in the Arsen*l souvenir shop?
A. Horlicks.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
George.
George who?
You're on the jury!
Q. What is the difference between Paul Merson and a former Arsen*l player, surname George?
A. One Charlie shoots, the other shoots Charlie.
Q. What is the difference between Jon Pertwee and Ray Parlour?
A. Ray Parlour still looks like Worzel Gummidge.
Q. At Highb*ry, what is the difference between the words 'disciplinary' and 'football'?
A. 'Disciplinary' is the only one associated with the word 'action'
Posted by Raven
Posted by drow
The top six reasons computers must be female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
Posted by mhorton
A bloke starts his first day at the zoo and is given three tasks. The
first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds, so he starts on this
when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is well pissed off
and not wanting a fish to get the better of him he beats the offending
fish to death with a spade. Realising that his boss is not going to be
best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish.He hits on
the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions eat
anything, so he throws the fish into the lions cage. He then moves onto
his second task of the day,which is to clear out the monkey house.He
goes in and a couple of the chimps start to throw coconuts at him.
Unamused, he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them
instantly.He's well worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps
to the lions, as we know lions eat anything. He hurls them into the
lion's cage and off he goes to his next task. His last job is to collect
honey from the South American bees.He gets the hive open and the bees
swarm out and start attacking him. Alarmed he grabs his spade and starts
smashing the bees as hard as he can;squashing them to death.By this
point he's not too worried about the death of the bees as he knows what
to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat
anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.It saunters up to
another lion and says "So what's the food like in here?" The other lion
says:"Magic! Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy
bees".
Posted by ShawO
Adam & Eve
Why is it that Adam and Eve could not have been Chinese?
Because if Satan took the form of a snake and tempted them to eat the forbidden fruit, Eve would have said, "Quick, Adam! Catch the snake also! Snake also can eat, mah!"
Why is it that Adam and Eve could not have been Malay?
Because if Satan took the form of a snake and tempted them to eat the forbidden fruit, both Adam and Eve would have said to him, "Rilek lah! Tomorrow also can eat!"
Why is that Adam and Eve could not have been Indian?
Because they would have conned the snake into eating the apple.
Drive You Mad
One day, Mr. Choe Seng Lee walked into a bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Batam on Business for two days and needed to borrow $5000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for the loan.
Mr. Choe then handed over the keys to his Mercedes that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee then drove the Mercedes into the bank's carpark and parked it there. Two days later Mr. Choe returned and repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $13.07.
The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked and found that you are a very rich contractor. Why would you need to borrow $5,000?"
Mr. Choe replied, "Aiyah, where else in Singapore can I park my car for 2 days for 13 dollars and with security officers to guard somemore?"
Starting Young
One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, an Indonesian and a Singaporean.
However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn't differentiate between them.
However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, "Heil Hitler!"
At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Indonesian baby and said, "Clean that up!"
Posted by mhorton
,
Posted by Eamonn
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Tequilla!
Posted by evoke
| Quote: |
|
LOL i suppose they get better with age!
Mark love the BEER one!
Ed
Posted by mhorton
Yeah that one wasn't the best. But the beer one was funny.
Posted by ShawO
Geez...
and i thought you guys were all dead!
Brits & M'sians
The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it economically when communicating their intentions.
Compare these phrases that Malaysians and Britons use to say the same thing:
Britons : I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.
RETURNING A CALL...
Britons : Hello. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hallo, who page?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY...
Britons : Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kews. (excuses)
WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY...
Britons : Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No-nid.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION...
Britons : Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (while pointing at the door) Can or not?
WHEN ASKING TO BE EXCUSED...
Britons : If you would excuse me for amoment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please, carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Malaysians: Toy lert, toy lert.
WHEN ENTERTAINING...
Britons : Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy ah.
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE...
Britons : I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER...
Britons : I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Doe-waaaan.(don't want)
WHEN DECIDING ON A PLAN OF ACTION...
Britons : What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Malaysians: So how?
DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION...
Britons : Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what that you said about...
Malaysians: You mad, ha?
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICES...
Britons : Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm
trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shaddap lah.
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU...
Britons : Excuse me, but I noticed you starring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what? Ah..
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION
Britons : We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!
WHEN FACED WITH A DISAGREEING PARTY...
Britons : Well, horses for causes,to every man his own.
Malaysians: Bas-ket(bastard)! stupid!
Posted by mhorton
Posted by lor
Good one ShawO
Posted by ShawO
hey lor!
you're still alive!!!
getting kinda lonely here...
well here's more...
Oxford - Singapore/Malaysian Edition
These words are legit. They do exist in the dictionary.
Just a different meaning.
1) LILY - adverb. extremely, really
"Wah, you lily can sing well ah!"
2) VALLEY - adverb. extremely (same with lily)
"Look! My Versachee belt, valley nice hor?"
3) GORGES - adj. stunningly beautiful, normally found with valley
"Wah! Ah Beng's girlflan is valley gorges leh!"
4) CORAL - verb. to bicker
"Why, you not happy, ah? Want to coral, is it?"
5) REEF - (normally followed with coral) to argue with
"You lily want to coral reef me ah?"
6) ALTITUDE - adjective. a disagreeable demeanour
"Ah Lian lily got a bad altitude ploblem".
7) CIRRUS - adjective. certain
"You cirrus or not? Dun bruff!"
CANOPY - phrase. impossible
"He bought new handphone? Canopy lah! Where got money?"
9) OLDLADY - adjective. completed
"Wah...you finish oldlady ah."
10) SUIT - verb. to project forward
"Suit! Suit! See goalkeeper come out oldlady."
11) SOW - verb. to reveal
"Sow me, sow me your new ting."
12) LOAD - noun. a path normally made up of gravel & tar
"We go Orchard Load leh."
13) BLINK - verb. deliver, send
"What you blink for me? Sow me, sow me."
Posted by mhorton
More Urban Myths You have just got to love the American education system, is it almost as good as our A-Levels at the moment
Collage 268 27 MAY 96
SUBJ: College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ___________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) BC
___ (b) AD
* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.
Posted by mhorton
This is a question that was once used in a job selection process:
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. An old friend who once saved your life. The perfect woman (or man) of your dreams.
There can only be one passenger in your car and you don't have enough petrol to return to the bus stop once you have left it. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to?
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job selection process so your future could depend on how you answer this question.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
WHAT DID HE SAY? (scroll down)
He answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the old lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
The moral of the story is that we can gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations and "Think Outside of the Box."
Nobody came up with the "Australian" correct answer which is, of course, to run over the old lady and put her out of her misery, sh** the perfect woman silly on the bonnet of the car and then drive off with your old friend to the nearest pub to get drunk
Posted by mhorton
No1. RULES THAT GIRLS SHOULD KNOW.......
----------------------------------------------------------------
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
16. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a colour.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it's OUR house, I don't understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We're not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But don't worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
Posted by Eleventy7
It just demonstrates how you have to know the requirements up
front.... communication is everything! Sometimes it DOES take
a Rocket Scientist! (true story).
Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun
specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of
Airlines and military jets, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions
with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
NASA engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements
were made, and a gun was sent to the NASA engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the
chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control
console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded
itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Americans sent the Canadian Research Facility the
disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield and begged the Canadian scientists for suggestions.
The Canadian Research Facility responded with a one-line memo:
"...Defrost the chicken."
Posted by ShawO
heard it before... somewhere...
but anyways...
The wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
One of the world's first male blonde joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
Posted by shithappens
here's some:
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the refrigerator.
How do you know if its time to do housework?
Look down in your pants. If you have a penis, it isn't time.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What makes a woman and a toilet seat alike?
If they didn't have a hole they wouldn't be good for shit.
Posted by shithappens
some more 4 the road:
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?
He says, "I don't care. Just get the f**k out."
Posted by shithappens
and then some:
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
- Two mother-in-laws.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Posted by shithappens
here's another:
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100..... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!" said the cop.
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.
Posted by shithappens
last one b4 i go"
One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied, "Si senior! Sometimes the bull wins!"
Posted by mhorton
Posted by Eleventy7
ShawO - that first-ever male blonde joke is just an old Englishman Irishman Scotsman joke with the names changed. Still funny tho, oldes but goodies
Posted by ShawO
ah... no wonder it sounded so familiar
Posted by shithappens
i haf lots more from where that came from......but lemme get home to my pc 1st......in suspense...hahahaha.....wait 4 me ok....cheers!!
Posted by shithappens
here's this week's instalments of HAHAs....bon apetite guys....
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Posted by shithappens
more to go:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There were twelve disciples, not ten.
4. The communion wafer is consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not generally referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out o him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper He said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Posted by shithappens
and in an unrelated incident:
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for awhile, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"
Posted by shithappens
Painful...real painful:
"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for"? asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly"? asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "but its against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operations and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his IV stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well", said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years that I would like to be Circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror....."Shit, THAT'S THE WORD!!!!"
Posted by shithappens
Size does matter:
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "DDDDDoc, I've bbbeen stuttterrrering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Caaaan yoooou hellllp me?"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc?
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhaat caaan we dddo?"
The doctor says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy replies, "DDDDDoooo it!" The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "NNNNope a ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!
Posted by shithappens
This is it......till the next round....i've saved the best 4 last....hope u like this one as much as i did:
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL!!
IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I
was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on
the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
Posted by Eleventy7
How to shower like a WOMAN:
Take off clothing, place in sectioned laundry basket according to lights, dark, handwash, etc.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
Squeeze legs/arse to show cellulite, complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Wash hair with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with added vitamins.
Wash hair again with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil.
Leave hair for 15 mins.
Wash face with apricot facial scrub for 10 mins until red raw.
Wash entire body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse off conditioner.
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini line, but decide to get waxed instead.
Turn off shower.
Spray mould spot with bath cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry hair with a towel the size of a small African country.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
Take one and a half hours to get dressed.
How to shower like a MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave in a pile.
Walk naked into bathroom.
If see wife, wave knob at her while shouting "WHEY HEY".
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see manly physique.
Admire size of knob in mirror and scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Wash face.
Wash armpits.
Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in shower.
Wash arse leaving hairs on soap.
Shampoo hair.
Make mohican hairstyle with shampoo.
Pull back curtain to look at self in mirror.
Piss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole duration of shower.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and look at size of knob AGAIN.
Leave shower curtain open and bathroom light on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife pull off towel shout "YEAH BABY" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterday's clothes and pants.
Posted by mhorton
That's a good one.
Posted by ShawO
the cream of the crop!!!
Posted by shithappens
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa.
Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, already." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of
the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger,
"What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a
lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!".
Posted by shithappens
Perfect day for a Woman
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh 5 lb. lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife has gained 30 lb.
1:00 Shopping with friends
3:00 Nap
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror
7:00 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
9:30 Hot shower. Alone.
10:00 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
Perfect Day for a Man
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Drive mint condition '63 Corvette 30 miles to airport
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell & 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin -1249 lb.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Kathy Ireland
7:00 Watch CNN News flash. Clinton resigns
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Go to bed
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep
Posted by Raven
| Quote: |
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I would LOVE a day like that!!!!!
Aaaaaah, my life sucks.....
Posted by shithappens
wouldn't we all my fren...wouldn't we all......
Posted by shithappens
okie dokie.....here u go folks:
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a rest room facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought, Wow, these gals really have it nice.
So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. Aha, he thought, no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!
So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
Man, this is great, he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine were just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow.
Posted by shithappens
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." He replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return.
After an agonising 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' "Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," Said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
Posted by shithappens
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD SAY
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up; it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away; the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
Posted by shithappens
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD SAY
10. I think The Village People are some cool motherf**kers.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
4. Maybe I could do the dishes tonight.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. F**k Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.
Posted by shithappens
and last but not least:
HEIGHTENED SENSATION
Subject: The Height of Things…
Height of frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of suspense: Ten male prisoners taking a bath and one of them drops the soap.
Height of indecision: Ten male prisoners taking a bath, and nine of them drop the soap.
Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of laziness: (1) A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest. (2) A man after shitting on the seaside waiting for the tide to clean his ass.
Height of Competition: (1) A guy peeing beside a waterfall. (2) A topless lady standing near mount everest.
Height of Bravery: A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with VELCRO.
Height of Pain: (1) Sliding down a rocky mountain using your balls as brakes. (2) Screwing a meat mincer.
Height of Expectation: A gay couple buying a baby's cot.
Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass is itching.
Posted by Eleventy7
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs"
they get ushered into see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and
gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey,
there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns
around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns
in the whole world?"
The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
Posted by d_kid
thats good hope keep it coming guys