Posted by Bonovox
Went to the doctors today, I said "do you treat alcoholics"??
The doctor said "of course we do"
I said "great,get your coat on,I'm f**king skint"
Posted by masseur
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAISIN:
Grape with sunburn.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
----------------------------------------------------------------
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by Bonovox
NEW DRINKING WARNING
Vodka & ice will ruin your kidneys
Rum & ice will ruin your liver
Whisky & ice will ruin your heart
Gin & ice will ruin your brain
Pepsi & ice will ruin your teeth
There you have it,ice is f**kin lethal. Warn all your friends lay off the ice & just drink it straight.
You could save a life & don't forget what ice did to the Titanic
Posted by ceaser2008
'What ice did to titanic'
Posted by Bonovox
The new Margaret Thatcher film has been rated 12a unsuitable for Miners
A recent survey discovered that 90% of men don't know how to turn a washing maching on. I always find flowers & chocolates do the trick
Posted by ceaser2008
Two blonds have planned to visit DisneyLand in their car. They read a sign 'DisneyLand Left'. They stopped there, cried a lot and returned home.
Posted by goldenface
God! I have been laughin me head off at this thread for the past hour.
Posted by tranced
Posted by Bonovox
New version of Viagra out under the name of Mycoxafloppin
Posted by pt020
[ This Message was edited by: pt020 on 2012-05-22 14:05 ]
Posted by alenn
@Bonovox - another name: Pornalot
Posted by Bonovox
Have you heard about the Italian chef who died?? He pasta way
Posted by goldenface
That's joke is well pasta it!
Posted by Bonovox
pasta it's sell by date
Posted by Bonovox
40 gypsies arrived at heaven's gates.
St. Peter said "we've only got room for 12, so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in".
Five minutes later St. Peter says to God. "They've gone".
God says, "What, all 40!?"
St. Peter says, "No... the gates
[ This Message was edited by: Sean72 on 2013-02-01 21:56 ]
Posted by nicv27
Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."
I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
Posted by nicv27
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
Posted by Bonovox
Posted by fluke9
My uncle the bus driver died peacefully in his sleep today
Unlike his passengers.
[ This Message was edited by: fluke9 on 2013-02-02 20:29 ]
Posted by nicv27
My wife said "You never pay me any compliments anymore" " Well your beard is much nicer than mine " I replied.
Posted by Bonovox
If Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushion,she would become Whoopi Cushion
Posted by pt020
Posted by alenn
Do I sing with feelings?
Well, if you had any feelings, you wouldn't sing.
Posted by dejav
hahaha!!! i thought it was his d___..green minded huh
Posted by strapsfaced
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Posted by jj03
two parrots sat on a perch..one says to the other...can you smell fish...
i'll get my coat..
Posted by goldenface
My girlfriend doesn't trust me. I guess that's one thing she has in common with my wife.
Posted by Opall
I don't know any jokes (
Posted by *Jojo*
. . at the end of the DAY, it gets . . . DARK.
*He who LAUGHS last, did not get the . . . JOKE.
[ This Message was edited by: *Jojo* on 2022-06-16 17:59 ]
Posted by goldenface
On 2008-09-04 18:03:27, HornyNick wrote:
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn''t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate''s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk''s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ This Message was edited by: HornyNick on 2008-09-04 17:05 ]
Hilarious thread.