Posted by ceaser2008
Posted by Bonovox
Man goes to his doctor and tells him he has a mince pie stuck up his arse. Doctor confirms yes sir you do have a mince pie stuck up your arse,but I have some cream for that
Posted by ceaser2008
Are You A Certified Asshole? Find Out With the Asshole Rating Self-Exam
(ARSE)
Dont forget to post your score here.
Posted by Bonovox
I need some time to reflect so I am going to stand in front of the mirror for a while
Posted by ceaser2008
How long?
Posted by goldenface
Just been laughing my head off at the jokes in this thread. We'll have to get it going again.
Posted by goldenface
The Norse god, Thor, returned to his home after a great battle.
When you're a god, time seems to go by pretty slowly, especially after a
great battle. So Thor hopped into his chariot and went to the pub.
After downing a few Divine Beers, he managed to pick up a
well-sloshed goddess. They proceeded to go back to his place for a night of
wild, frantic, Divine Sex.
The next morning, feeling "satiated" and happy, the god rose from
the bed and stood on his porch. When the sun rose over the horizon, he
announced in a mighty voice, "I am THOR!!"
From behind him, the meek, still sloshed voice of the goddess said,
"You think YOU'RE thor?? I'm tho thor I can hardly walk!!
Posted by alenn
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
Posted by Aaronmark
Best free funny jokes from Blonde Jokes to Yo Mama Jokes at 451Jokes.com. This site is here to provide you with the best free funny jokes on the internet. Our jokes vary greatly from blonde jokes to yo mama jokes to a few rude jokes.
Posted by Bonovox
Apparently there is a village in Hertfordshire named Tillit. In that village is the pub called Cock Inn. Putting that address in order reads Cock Inn,Tillit,Herts
Posted by nicv27
I went to the barbers today and he said, 'You're going bald' I said, 'Well get a Bloody move on!'
Posted by nicv27
Police came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog does not own a bike.
Posted by nicv27
Paddy lost his ear on a building site. his friend Murphy shouts out " is this it " ? Paddy looked and said " NO,mine had a pencil behind it" !
Posted by nicv27
I passed a tow truck on the way to work, and noticed the driver was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought to myself 'That bloke's heading for a breakdown'..
Posted by Bonovox
A Liverpool man appeared in court suspected of shagging a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying he never heard of a scouser putting anything into a kitty
Posted by badassmam
What do you call a scouser in a suit?
The accused
What do you call a scouser in a white shell suit?
The bride
Posted by Bonovox
Goldenface will like these 
Posted by Aaronmark
"An Englishman at an Indian's table in Surat saw a bottle of ale being opened, and all the beer, turned to froth, rushed out. The Indian, by repeated exclamations, showed his great amazement. - Well, what's so amazing in that? asked the Englishman. - Oh, but I'm not amazed at its coming out, replied the Indian, but how you managed to get it all in. - This makes us laugh, and it gives us a hearty pleasure. This is not because, say, we think we are smarter than this ignorant man, nor are we laughing at anything else here that it is our liking and that we noticed through our understanding. It is rather that we had a tense expectation that suddenly vanished..."
Posted by Bonovox
I don't get that oneżż
Posted by goldenface
I would like them Bono if they were any good
I love the old stereotype based jokes the best. You thick, ugly, drunken, pasty-faced bogtrotter
Some cracking jokes in this thread, always cheers me up. Those ones from nicv27 are pure genius when done Tommy Cooper style, I'm still laughing..
Posted by Bonovox
Them scouse jokes were from a mate of mine
Posted by AbnerJack
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-revenue family members is exactly where yo daddy has two jobs.Yo mama so lazy she's received a remote control just to run her remote!Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
Posted by Bonovox
My dog went missing last week. I have been looking everywhere for him. The Mrs told me I should look harder. So I shaved my head and got a few tattoos but I still can't find the flipping dog!!
Posted by michka
A blonde is walking on the pavement. Then she sees a banana skin, and shouts: Oh shit I will fall again.
Posted by nicv27
My son had his first swimming lesson yesterday and came home with a 10 meter badge.I said, "Bloody hell, couldn't they give you something smaller?"
Did you know it takes 40 pigs to make 3,000 sausages?It's amazing what you can teach them
[ This Message was edited by: nicv27 on 2011-04-14 22:04 ]
Posted by Bonovox
I fell out with my neighbours pig. So to clear the air I suggested a game of tennis. He said he was too tired. So I suggested a game of backgammon & he ran off squealing
Posted by Bonovox
Prince William says he does not want the traditional fruitcake at his wedding. Prince Philip has replied by saying he does not give a damn & is still going
Posted by Bonovox
TEXTING FOR SENIORS:
The kids have all their little SMS codes....like BFF,TTYL,LOL etc. So here are the codes for the seniors:
ATD-At The Doctors
BFF-Best Friends Funeral
BTW-Bring The Wheelchair
FWIW-Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL-Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA-Got Heartburn Again
HGBM-Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO-Is My Hearing Aid On??
TTYL-Talk To You Louder
WAITT-Who Am I Texting??
GGLKI-Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In
[ This Message was edited by: Bonovox on 2011-07-13 19:58 ]
Posted by Bonovox
5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blow jobs
1% liked the warmth
2% liked the sensation
3% liked the eroticism
94% just liked the peace & quiet
[ This Message was edited by: Bonovox on 2011-07-17 18:12 ]
Posted by ceaser2008
Posted by Bonovox
I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she is leaving so I can get the hot tap running,swirl around the foam & bubbles & time everything perfectly,so that when she walks through the door,the dishes are piled up & waiting for her
[ This Message was edited by: Bonovox on 2011-07-19 22:33 ]
Posted by Bonovox
Just after my wife had given birth,I asked the doctor "how soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me & said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes-meet me in the car park"
Posted by ceaser2008
Posted by Charlie5
Q: What do you call an afganistan virgin ? A: Osama mever bin laid on .
Posted by Charlie5
Q:Hw do you tell if a chick is too fat 2 f**k ?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.
Posted by Bonovox
Whilst having a furious w**k over Tulisa from the X factor,I was interrupted by an impatient Louis Walsh. "Will ye hurry up son,we haven't got all day". Now what song would you like to sing for us??
[ This Message was edited by: Bonovox on 2011-08-23 22:02 ]
Posted by ceaser2008
My Dear Husband
I am writing you letter to let you know that i am leaving you forever. From last 7 years, i had been your good wife and i didnt try to mock it.
Last two weeks were like a hell for me. Today your boss has called me and told that you have left the job. This news gave me the last shock. Last week, when you returned, you didnt even care to look at my new hair-style. I made your favourite dish for you but you have finished it in two minutes without a word. You didnt show your interest in my new silk dress and you just played your computer game and went to sleep. Now a days, you are not telling me that you love me. I think you dont want to continue our husband-wife relation. Either you are fooling me or you dont love me anymore. Whatever, i am leaving you.
Your Ex Wife
P.S. Dont try to find me. I am leaving for west virginia with your brother.
HUSBAND'S REPLY
My Dear Ex Wife
Your letter has really made my day.
It is truth that we had been married for last 7 years and it is also fact that you have no virtue of a good wife. Just because of your daily continuous fights, arguments and quarrels, i play more computer games. I did saw your new fresh hair-style but it seemed more of a 'Boy' type to me. My mother tought me that when there is nothing to praise, dont condemn. So i kept mum. While preparing my favourite dish for me, you messed it with my brother's favourite dish because i have already left eating pork dish for last 7 years. When i saw the price tag of 49.99 dollars on your new silk dress, i ran away. What a coincidence. My brother had just borrowed 50 dollars from me that morning.
Despite of all these, i loved you and believed that we will make a way out of this. Thats why, on winning the lottery of ten million dollars, i left the job and booked tickets on cruise to Jamaica for us. But when i returned home, you have already left. I believe what so ever is happening, is happening for good.
I hope that you get the satisfactory life which you have always wished. My lawyer told me that because of your letter, now you will not have even a cent from me.
Take Care
Your Rich and free Ex Husband.
P.S. I dont remember whether i have told you this or not but my brother, Karl was born as karla. I hope this doesnt matter to you.
[ This Message was edited by: ceaser2008 on 2011-09-02 09:20 ]
Posted by Bonovox
That's harsh
Posted by Bonovox
Beer Prayer:
OUR LAGER WHICH ART IN BARRELS,
HALLOWED BE THY DRINK
THY WILL BE DRUNK
AT HOME AS IT IS IN PUBS
GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEADS
AND FORGIVE OUR SPILLAGES
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US
AND LEAD US NOT INTO INCARCERATION
BUT DELIVER US FROM HANG OVERS
FOREVER AND EVER
BAR MEN
Posted by Bonovox
Four Jamaicans were sitting around a camp fire near the beach. They were all philosophising on what was the fastest thing in the world. Seymour said, "Me tink de fasses ting is a thought,because b4 u can tink it, it already thought."
Winston said,"Nah,man,de fasses ting is a blink,cos b4 you tink 2 blink you dun blink already."
"Delroy said, "No man,da fasses thing is helectricity because when you turn on de lite,it travel fass & de lite come on.
Leroy said "Nah,man you aaaaaaaalllllll wrong man!! I know dat for a fact dat de fasses ting in de world is definite diarrhoea,cos las nite b4 I could tink,blink,or switch on de lite,me shit meself".
[ This Message was edited by: Bonovox on 2011-11-07 18:49 ]
Posted by rikken
Posted by nicv27
I played a football match against a bit of my furniture last night.
It was a drawer.
Posted by Bonovox
Posted by rikken
Posted by ceaser2008
Very well said bonovox.
Posted by altemyr
On 2011-07-19 23:40:53, Bonovox wrote:
Just after my wife had given birth,I asked the doctor "how soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me & said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes-meet me in the car park"
After Michael Jackson had attended the birth of his son, he asked the doctor, "how soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?", and the doctor answered: "You will at least have to wait until he's two years old."
Posted by AlexJumper
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I would like to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Posted by ceaser2008
Altemyr, nice one.
Alex,
I've just quit drinking
Posted by goldenface
I've just seen Michael J Fox at the garden centre. I knew it was him cos he had his back to the fuchsias.
BREAKING NEWS: The man trapped in the upholstery machine is now thought to be fully recovered.
Posted by Bonovox
In the last ten years we have lost
Johnny Cash
Steve Jobs
Bob Hope
Jimmy Saville
So now we have...............
No cash
No Jobs
No Hope
And no f**ker to fix it!!!!!!!
I just bought some of the 007 James Bond viagra
It makes you Roger Moore