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Posted by procterdc
Things to do in an elevator...

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space"



Posted by ceaser2008
26 ways of getting hit.

Posted by markphil
I'm Laughing HI HI HI HI HI!!!!

Posted by xxambad4fellaxx
Wahaha, i browsed through some pages and i almost died laughing at these wacky jokes..rotflmao:D

Posted by ceaser2008

BEFORE MARRIAGE




Boy : at last... I can hardly wait!!!


Girl : Do u want me to leave??


Boy : NO!! dnt ever think abt it...


Girl : DO u LUV ME ..... ??


Boy : OfCourse ! ALWAYS


Girl : have u ever cheated on me??


Boy : NO! WHY r u even asking ??


Girl : will u ki** me??


Boy : every chance i get !!


Girl : will u hit me ??


Boy : hell no!! r u crazy


Girl : can i TRUST U ??


Boy : YES!


Girl : Darling!!



AFTER MARRIAGE




READ FROM THE LAST TO THE TOP...

[ This Message was edited by: ceaser2008 on 2010-03-14 14:08 ]


Posted by xxambad4fellaxx
"i did it Ma!

i pLayeD wid mY b0yfrnd

i g0t stiNky
i g0t fLirty

we triEd & triEd

til we reach d t0p

i g0t pRegNant..


bUt sEe?

i LeaRnD!:D




Posted by alexslane
The latest craze is girls putting vodka jellies up their fannies getting blokes to suck it out with a straw police and health authorities are now worried about the effects of minge drinking

Posted by xxambad4fellaxx
These blokes are really lucky!:D

Posted by ceaser2008
Patient: Doctor, at mid-night daily, my husband wakes up and moves out somewhere. And doesnot return till morning !!

Doctor: Is this problem or an invitation?


After the death of draculla, he went to the hell. The god asked him, 'what do you want to be in your next birth? '
Draculla said, 'anything but i want to suck blood'
God said,' ok!! I will make you sanitary napkin'




Teacher: who's eye-sight is better?? Men's or animal's ??
Student: Animal's. Cause i have not seen any animal wearing glasses.

One man was selling parachute...Jump off the plane, press the button and land safely.
Jimmy was passing by and stand there. Again that man shouted the same thing. Jimmy asked him, 'Okay but what if the parachute doesnot open?!!'
Man said, 'thats straight, come and take your money back'
[ This Message was edited by: ceaser2008 on 2010-03-17 15:37 ]


Posted by thegun
There was shut up, manners and trouble and they were playin hide n seek. Trouble was on , shut went and hide on top of the tree n shut up went inside a bin. Now a police man came 2 throw a plastic in a bin, he opened it n said ( police:"boy wats your name?)
(shut up: shut up), (police :boy wheres your manners),(shut up: ummh manners is up the tree), (police: boy u lookin for trouble?), (shut up: no you wrong, trouble is lookin 4 me)....

Posted by who_am_i
Not Really a Joke

But found it very interesting:


Boob Poem

I love boobs, big and small, I love boobs, best of all.
I think boobs are lots of fun, I think boobs are number one.
I think boobs are really neat, they make me want to beat my meat.
I love boobs covered in lace, I love boobs rubbing my face.
I love boobs in leather black, those are huge, do they hurt your back?
I love boobs in bras of silk, make me want to say "got milk"?
I love boobs in a college dorm, and in a nurse's uniform.
I love boobs in tight red sweaters, or stretching against a t-shirt's letters.
I love boobs in t-shirts wet, hey you with the nice boobs, have we met?
I love boobs in skimpy swim wear, I'm sorry, I can't help but stare.
I saw your cleavage from above, with your boobs I am in love.
Your boobs are giving me a stiffy, I'll have my pants off in a jiffy.
Your boobs have given me an erection, I want to do them without protection.
Your boobs have made me want to suck them. I even want to titty-f**k them

Posted by goldenface
A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend's
Christmas present. As they hadn't been seeing other for very long he
decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the
right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of
white fur lined gloves, the sister bought a pair of knickers (panties) for herself at
the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister
got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking Ron sealed the
package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:-

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not
wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your
sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons but she wears shorter
ones which are easier to remove,

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in
them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and
shiny, in fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing
them,

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they
will be naturally a little damp from wearing, just think how many times my
lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

Ron.

P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur
showing.



Posted by methylated_spirit
What's ET short for? He's only got wee legs!!

Posted by goldenface


Posted by Bonovox
Woman is murdered,she is found with seamen all over her face. The police said she never saw her killer coming Goldenface that brilliant loved that very well put too

_________________
I Am The Walrus(goo goo g'joob)[ This Message was edited by: Bonovox on 2010-06-04 23:23 ]

[ This Message was edited by: Bonovox on 2010-06-04 23:29 ]

Posted by mrjulius
2 girls walking...

Girl 1 : Hey sis! your pregnant! Why not have you marry your Boyfriend?

Girl 2: His family does not want it!

Girl 1: Who has not want, father or mother?

Girl 2: none! Only his WIFE!



Inside the Hospital

Patient: Is the services at the hospital is okey?

Doctor: Of course. Sure it was.

Patient: What if I am not satisfied?

Doctor: Hmm. We returned your sickness

Horseback Riding

Thomas: My wife is so fat, so she wanted to lose weight. She did horseback riding ...

Jorge: So What's the result?

Thomas: It Reduced Ten Kilo's The Horse only )
[ This Message was edited by: mrjulius on 2010-06-05 02:25 ]


Posted by mrjulius
Mrs. Agathe’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. Oh, and by the way…don’t worry about my Doberman. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!”
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Agathe’s apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog simply laid there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

Posted by AbuBasim
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Posted by who_am_i
Politician having small penis

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."

Posted by goldenface
A dating agency for chickens has been forced to close. A spokesman said "We have been struggling to make hens meet"

Posted by who_am_i
From Gynecologist to Mechanic


A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

Posted by nicv27
Been watching the Gadget Show on Dave.

Really looking forward to that Mega-Drive hitting the shelves.

Posted by Bonovox
Is that supposed to be a joke about The Gadget Show?????

Posted by nicv27
well it got a score of over 500 on the website it came from so obviously some one liked it..........................

Posted by Bonovox
Oh right I don't get it

Posted by nicv27
i`m guessing you know the tv channel "Dave" that shows all the old retro tv programs and you obviously know The gadget show well during the day they are showing old gadget show epsiodes....... oh well it`s not for everyone guess..


Posted by nicv27
I was on Dragon's Den but got chucked out.

Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "Go and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.

Posted by Bonovox
Yes I have Dave channel alot of it is comedy

Posted by procterdc
The winning joke at Edinburgh Fringe festival....

'Just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.'

Is it just me or does anyone else think that this is not that funny??

Posted by Bonovox
Not funny. I recently heard that one too

Posted by who_am_i
How many women can a man marry?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

Posted by Bonovox


Posted by Bonovox
I always like to mix business with pleasure.Last week I wore a vibrating suit at a board meeting. Sorry it was off the top of my head

Posted by goldenface
A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and
raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention.

She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the
bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink."

She gets her drink and goes away.

Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her
and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink."
She gets her drink and goes away again.

The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina
given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before.

The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift
her leg that high.

Posted by goldenface
A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and
said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever
you do,don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"


The wrestler nodded in ackowledgment. As the match started, the American
and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an
opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbed the
American and wrapped him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried
his face in his hands he knew all was lost. He couldn't even watch the
ending.

Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer
raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian
flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and
the American collapsed on top of him, making
the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler
alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever
done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up
when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and
saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to
lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit
those babies just as hard as I could."

"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off, did it?"

"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
testicles!"

Posted by Bonovox


Posted by goldenface
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous redhead eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replied....


.......... just the ones that catch my eye!"

Posted by goldenface
Thought you might appreciate this one Bono

A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeeper. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeeper give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well.

The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers "barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here."

Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeeper another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.

The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeeper answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business.

The barkeeper responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again

Posted by mriley

What do you call a blond with two brain cells?



Pregnant!

Posted by Bonovox
Wow I love them classic jokes

Posted by Bonovox
Everytime I cough a melody comes out......must be the cartarrh Sorry........another one off my head

Posted by blackspot
After his first week as a college student in Berlin, Nassir sent an email to his Dad:

Dear Dad,
Berlin is a wonderful place. The people are nice and I really like it here. I'm just embarrassed to come to school everyday with in my Gold Mercedez when my classmates and teachers come by train.

Your son,
Nassir

His Dad replied the next day:

Nassir,
I transferred 20 Million dollars to your account. Stop embarrassing us. Go get yourself a train too.

Love,
Dad

Posted by silpher
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”

Posted by AlexJumper
not really funny, found this ridicilous message in an old pc:
Keyboard not found, press F4 to continue...
Personally I was laughing for about 15 mins

Posted by jay0726
Hello boys

I am visiting this topic to change

Posted by Bonovox
Mick Hucknall of Simply Red was found shagging a rabbit. Police said he was found Holding Back The Ears saying Bunnies Too Tight To Mention
[ This Message was edited by: Bonovox on 2010-11-07 21:50 ]


Posted by nicv27
Corrie Are Releasing A New Toy This Christmas It Will Be Called ... Jack In A Box

Posted by Bonovox


Posted by Bonovox
Some bloke just threw aload of cheese and milk at me. I told him how diary do that

Posted by nicv27
Dear Sony Ericsson,
I put my phone in airplane mode but when I threw it out of the window it did not fly.Why is this?


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