Posted by who_am_i
lil more of a brain teaser.. rockerrrrr
.
.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"
Posted by Tsepz_GP
LMAO!! Nice one who am i
a bit of a naughty one there!
Posted by b.metallica
Yesterday my friend asked me that "how old are you?" .I tought a while and i said "i can't count i am living since i was born!".
This message was posted from a WAP device
Posted by princ3ss777
who_am_i - LOL.. good one!
Posted by goarthur77
Keep it coming, guys!
Posted by AbuBasim
An elderly Irish gentleman named John Shawnessey is lying on his death bed, awaiting the end.
He smells the aroma of chocolate-chip cookies--his favourite.
He decides that, if he must die, he is going to die with the taste of chocolate-chip cookies
in his mouth. He slowly and painfully drags himself from his bed. With tremendous effort,
he crawls down the stairs and into the kitchen, following the delicious aroma. He enters
the kitchen, and spies a plate of chocolate chip cookies on top of the refrigerator.
Summoning the last of his strength, he claws his way up the side of the fridge and takes a cookie.
Just as he is about to put it in his mouth, his wife appears and whacks him over the head with a spoon.
"Get away from those cookies, John Shawnessey!" cries his wife. "Those are for the funeral!"
Posted by firoz3321
Posted by occupied
gay's motto: having fun and be mary.
Posted by who_am_i
perhaps the N th version of the joke that has been going around for long..
none the less.. some of you may still like it
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for God to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened, the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
Posted by occupied
What do you call a German protester?
Um loud.
Posted by dougiedav
On 2009-07-31 23:56:38, who_am_i wrote:
lil more of a brain teaser.. rockerrrrr
.
.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"
Now THAT"S hilarious! I called everyone I knew and told them this one.
Posted by shelly58
> How Fights Start
>
>
>
> My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping
> channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
>
> I said, 'Dust.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A
> Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
>
> "No," she answered.
>
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
> "Yes."
>
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
> And then the fight started....
>
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
> lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
> the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind
> was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
> and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
> whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
>
> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
>
> And that's how the fight started...
>
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
> slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
> just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
> Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car,
> looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
>
>
> *****************************************
>
>
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
>
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place
> expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
> Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
> verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
> curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
> enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept
> staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
> I understand she took to drinking right after we split up all those years ago, and I
> hear she hasn't been sober since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order
> first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
>
> Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
>
> A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
> happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look
> old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>
> The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
>
Posted by tranced
...
Posted by who_am_i
i have been dreaming up an animated version of it
ever since i read it
pity!! i dont even know to use photoshop.. forget about moving animation!!
On 2009-09-16 03:03:42, dougiedav wrote:
On 2009-07-31 23:56:38, who_am_i wrote:
lil more of a brain teaser.. rockerrrrr
.
.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"
Now THAT"S hilarious! I called everyone I knew and told them this one.
Posted by occupied
INDONESIA JOKE
Department of Justice = Departemen Keadilan? Secretary of Treasury = Sekretaris Perbendaharaan? Departemen Agama = Department of God. Menteri Agama = Secretary of God.
Fashion = Fesyen? Ejaculation = Ejakulesyen?
---
Nama?
Tony.
Nama Lengkap?
Auzubillah minasai Tony rojim
---
Have pun.
FOODNOTE (it's foodnote, not bootnote. don't laugh, i'm baffled!)
apparently many publications speak worse english than me.
Posted by who_am_i
THAT is how Bhasa is!! didnt get the joke here
On 2009-10-04 06:34:00, occupied wrote:
INDONESIA JOKE
Department of Justice = Departemen Keadilan? Secretary of Treasury = Sekretaris Perbendaharaan? Departemen Agama = Department of God. Menteri Agama = Secretary of God.
Fashion = Fesyen? Ejaculation = Ejakulesyen?
---
Nama?
Tony.
Nama Lengkap?
Auzubillah minasai Tony rojim
---
Have pun.
FOODNOTE (it's foodnote, not bootnote. don't laugh, i'm baffled!)
apparently many publications speak worse english than me.
Posted by who_am_i
one of Morty Storm's creations.. but with some additions
Have read it soo often over the years, but never saw it at Esato
---------
Dog Named Sex
Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."
My court case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."
He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."
He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."
When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."
The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"
Posted by who_am_i
.
India and Pakistan's nuclear peeing contest...
India:"I can hit further than you!"
Pakistan:"No I can!"
India:"NO I can!!!"
found it funny
Posted by occupied
HUTCH
Q: How do you know somebody working for Hutch (NYSE: HTX) or Vodafone?
A: He who works for Hutch would sneeze: HUTCH.. HUTCH.. HUTCHIIIISON.
CHARON
Q: What would be Sharon Stone's name if she's born in Bangkok?
A: Charon Ctone.
Posted by who_am_i
Politics Explained The Kids Way
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Posted by masseur
The Zen of Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and leaky tire
3. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes
9 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12 If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up
AND
22 .. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
Posted by deluded
@masseur, I've read most of them before, but they still made me grin when I read them again. Good one, it's just the thing I need to brighten up my bad day. Thanks!
Posted by occupied
What's Japanese word for same-sex intercourse?
Assuka.
Posted by who_am_i
no offence meant
(I too am from India)
----------
----------
The Great Indian Magic
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One from Bangladesh, another from India and the third, from China.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."
"Done!" Replies the official.
Posted by who_am_i
for those interested.. guidelines to have.. Safe..
Posted by who_am_i
Woman takes 16-year-old daughter to Doctor
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant -- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Posted by nicv27
2 Irishmen working in a field, Paddy is digging holes, Mick is filling them in.
After 9 holes a woman asks,
"Why are you digging a hole & the other lad is filling it in?"
Paddy replies, "There's usually 3 of us, but the lad who plants the trees phoned
in sick today."!
Posted by occupied
Thesaurus: hero = male hero, heroine = female hero. cocaine = female cocksucker, coca = male cocksucker.
Posted by occupied
I can't believe it! British Broadcasting Corporation has taken Republican side!
Why so?
Can't you hear that in the beginning of news they always say "from Bush's House..."?
Posted by mysterio
yo mammas so short you can see her legs in a passport
Posted by markphil
The Rock Said !!
If youuuuuuuuuuuu smmmmmmmmeeLLLLLLLLLLLL what the ROCK is Cooking !
Posted by markphil
2:21 PM
Posted by mriley
Peter : Im a good organizer so i never lose things....
Richard : Is that why you've never lost your virginity?
Peter : Walks away feeling sad.
Posted by Bonovox
Man walks into a pet shop & says to the asistant I WANT TO BUY A WASP. The asistant says A WASP WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE SELL WASPS. The guy says WELL THERE'S ONE IN THE WINDOW AINT THERE
Sorry i know its awful but that was my brother said that one yesterday lol
Posted by occupied
Thank goodness I wasn't born in Beijing.
Why?
Because I speak poor Chinese.
(maybe it's time to kowtow to the new master, chinese. get the hell outta here, yankee. people's propaganda invaded my shortwave receiver. i'm unable to tune in to western broadcasting like i used to. what'm i gwyne to paltrow?)
===
in nokia, "download" is translated into indonesian "muat turun", a word-to-word translation of "down" which means "turun", and "load" which means "muat" (olala, too much quote in it.) what would nokia say it in arabis? "istemlaa tahtee"? that's why i prefer engnish to my own tongue, though i ain't very good in it
Posted by Bonovox
Marriage ah well thats grand,divorce thats about ten grand
Posted by ceaser2008
This one i read from a magazine.
The highlights of our zoo trip was a peacock showing off its plumage. A four-year-old son was perticularly taken with it. That evening, he couldn't wait to tell his father: "Dad, guess what! I saw a Christmas tree come out of a chicken!"
Posted by who_am_i
The Blind Circumcisionist
Question: Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?
Answer: He got the sack.
Posted by Nhyrohale23
jokes hahahhaa
Posted by who_am_i
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
Question. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
Answer. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
..no one can ever find:lol: 
my tongue can vouch for that!! its tried ever so often to look for that fish in the cave
Posted by rochel_o8
Lol
Posted by shadowin
Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
Posted by sale987
A teacher ask one little guy
- What do you know about old Romes?
- Little guy said: i know all of them are dead!!
Posted by nicv27
I'm rubbish at Scrabble - I just end up with consonants. I think I've got irritable vowel syndrome.
I think the worse job I ever had was as a forensic pathologist for the UN. I once discovered what looked like an ancient mass grave full of snowmen.
Fortunately, it turned out to be a field full of carrots.
[ This Message was edited by: nicv27 on 2010-01-21 22:43 ]
Posted by mriley
On 2009-12-29 19:11:13, who_am_i wrote:
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
Question. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
Answer. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
..no one can ever find:lol: my tongue can vouch for that!! its tried ever so often to look for that fish in the cave
!
[ This Message was edited by: mriley on 2010-01-21 23:08 ]
Posted by Bonovox
Posted by Bonovox
Whats the difference between your wife and your job? Your job still sucks after 5 years LOL
Posted by mriley
Posted by Bonovox
Posted by sale987
A teacher asking his scholars what you gonna be after you grow up. Little Linda said, i am going to be a mother, then Peter says i will help Linda to become a mother
Sorry for this a bit evil joke, but thats only what i got in my mind atm, BTW sorry for dissaster English
What, where is option to delete post?
[ This Message was edited by: sale987 on 2010-02-12 21:35 ]