Posted by procterdc
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked!
Posted by iqtidar
hahahahaha...
:lol::lol::lol::lol:
did ur wife get mad?
Posted by procterdc
It didn't really happen to me, found it on another site, but thought it was hilarious.
Posted by pmerryman
Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts
or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse
and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.
Posted by pmerryman
Bath in Holy Water
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old Sod, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!
Posted by Cycovision
I heard today that Sting, the famous musician and former front-man of 80's band 'The Police', reckons that he can suppress Orgasm for over 7 hours.
That's nothing. I've been shagging my missus for over 7 years, and she's NEVER come once...
Posted by procterdc
I've got a mate who i've nicknamed "Spiderman" its not cos he's brilliant at climbing walls, its cos he can't get out of the bath.
Posted by Cycovision
A blind guy goes to a prostitute but, as he is blind, he can't see what he is getting and ends up with a pox ridden old boot.
They go upstairs and she undresses. He runs his hand over her spotty arse and recoils.
"It's okay," she says, "It's just a bit of acne."
"Thank god for that," he says, "I thought it was the price list..."
Posted by AbuBasim
As Kevin thumbed through the thick pages of the ancient manuscript lately found deep in the bowels of the Enzo family library in Castellino, with its depictions and detailed woodcuts of the morbid crimes committed during the Spanish Inquisition, he couldn't help but marvel at the serene faces of the Florentine martyrs (Italians are so much tougher than they look!) and thought that his own expression would differ slightly if he were being sawn in half using the crack of his butt as a straight-line.
. . .
There are certain people in the world who emanate an aura of well being -- they radiate sunshine, light up a room, bring out the best in others, and fill your half empty glass to overflowing - yes it was these very people thought Karl, as he sharpened his mirror-finished guthook knife, who were top of his list.
_________________
Snuck! It's ointment time! -- Mad Jack the Pirate
[ This Message was edited by: AbuBasim on 2008-09-17 13:42 ]
Posted by Trev1982
I was asked to do a 10 mile 'Fun Run'. I said"Piss off".They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."Then I thought,f@ck it,I could win this.
Posted by Dicky Snapples
i lost my virginity to a retard. i wanted my first time to be special.
Posted by Dicky Snapples
My girlfriend , being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.
Posted by fatreg
What's the best thing ever to come out of Liverpool?
The M62.
Posted by pmerryman
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.
Posted by AbuBasim
Q: How many IT engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
One more:
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Me!
_________________
Souvenirs, novelties, party tricks.
[ This Message was edited by: AbuBasim on 2008-09-30 07:58 ]
Posted by fatreg
An Englishman walked into a bar, purchased his drink and sat next to an American. 'Where are you from?' the Englishman asked the Yank. 'The best country in the World' replied the Yank. 'F*ck me' said the Englishman, 'You've got a wierd accent for a Brit'.
Posted by Dicky Snapples
What's pink and dusty?
Maddie mccanns bike
Posted by fatreg
Posted by Trev1982
3 couples go camping, men in one tent and women another. 1 bloke wakes up in middle of night and nudges his mate lying next to him " im going next door to f**k my missus, i've got the biggest hard-on i've ever had". "I'd better come with you then" his mate replies "cos its my cock you've got hold of"
Posted by Trev1982
A vicar books into a hotel & says to the hotel clerk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She replies "No sir, its just regular porn, u sick bastard!"
Posted by fatreg
What do you call a Zimbabwean waste paper basket?
A Ballot Box
Posted by fatreg
'A' is the 1st letter of the alphabet and 'H' is the 8th letter, right?
9/11 = 0.81818181 = HAHAHAHA
Posted by AbuBasim
In many countries the date is written 11/9: 11/9 = 1.22222222 = A.BBBBBBBB = joke without punchline.
. . .
[ This Message was edited by: AbuBasim on 2008-10-18 19:01 ]
Posted by gola
Has anyone heard the joke about the Zen master?
Me neither
_________________
"Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do!"
Proverbs 4: 7
[ This Message was edited by: gola on 2008-10-18 19:30 ]
Posted by fatreg
On 2008-10-18 19:49:43, AbuBasim wrote:
In many countries the date is written 11/9: 11/9 = 1.22222222 = A.BBBBBBBB = joke without punchline.
but that wasn't my joke was it???
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
Haha, fatreg your joke was awesome, though I wouldn't say it too loud!
Posted by AbuBasim
On 2008-10-19 12:04:54, fatreg wrote:
On 2008-10-18 19:49:43, AbuBasim wrote:
In many countries the date is written 11/9: 11/9 = 1.22222222 = A.BBBBBBBB = joke without punchline.
but that wasn't my joke was it???
I know
I just twisted it to make it less funny for us not using American date format
Posted by jcwhite_uk
A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
Posted by nicv27
A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood. All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from. "Follow me" he says. Off they flew over hills, over rivers and into the dark, dark forest. "See that tree over there?" he says... Yes, YES they cry....
WELL I FUKCIN' DIDN'T !!
Was reading in the paper today about a dwarf who got pick-pocketed! How the f**k could anybody stoop so low?!
_________________
Nokia n95-1 8gb Feedback
Xbox live gamer tag nicv27http://a-zott.com/images/A-ZoTT%20Userbar%20Trusted.gif
[ This Message was edited by: nicv27 on 2008-10-23 21:31 ]
Posted by NightBlade
LMAO!
Good ones.
Posted by nicv27
Ryanair pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester. The plane is in trouble, so he calls the tower & shouts, "HELP, HELP! Easter, Pancake Tuesday, New Year's Eve, Bank Holiday Monday, Halloween, Bonfire Night"!
Voice comes back and says, "For fukcs sake Paddy, it's Mayday"!!
Tesco installed a medical machine that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When Jim went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "U hav tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, Jim wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: 1. Ur tapwater is too hard. Use softener. 2.Ur dog has ringworm. Giv it antibiotics. 3.Ur daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4.Ur wife is Xpecting twins. Not urs. Get a lawyer. 5.If u keep playing with yourself, ur elbow wont get better! Thank u for shopping at Tesco. X x
Posted by faultymonkey
Worst joke ever: http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/org/swil/JoelPage/purplejoke.html
(Its too long to post on here!)
Posted by procterdc
You lost me at the 1st purple lol
Posted by gola
My purple eyes hurt
Posted by faultymonkey
If you cant be bothered just read the first couple of paragraphs to get the gist of it, then read the last couple of paragraphs. Its a really poor joke but if you tell it you can make up the purple story (the longer the story the worse the joke becomes!)
Posted by sailaab
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
Sara, London, UK
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Niall Davidson Petch, Lincoln, UK
An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"
Anthony, Paris, France
Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"
Phil, London, UK
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
Daniel, Calgary, Canada
What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's
Rob, London, UK
Why did the Banker cross the road? - Because he stapled himself to the chicken.
Charles Brockley, Norwich , Norfolk, UK
What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Tom, London, UK
We've been playing office bingo with phrases like "In The Current Climate.." to see how many times we hear it in a week..
Jen, Ipswich, UK
I've re-named my morning bowl of muesli at the desk Credit Crunch.
Robert Fulford, London, UK
Three investment bankers are sitting outside a coffee shop, sipping glumly on their cappucinos. The first one says "It's terrible, I have lost five million on my accounts this morning, there is no way to recover my losses. When I get back inside I'm going to go past my office, up to the fifth floor, open a window and jump out" The second one says "You think that's bad; I've lost nine million on my accounts in the last hour, I have nothing left. I'm going to ride the lift all the way up to the ninth, open a window and jump out" The third one says "I'm glad our building only has fourteen floors."
Bob, High Wycombe, UK
The last time Iceland had a crash like this aisle three was closed all day.
Stuart Harley, West Malvern, UK
Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school?
A: To ask for their money back.
G. Reinis, Lafayette, CA USA
I had a cheque returned earlier. "Insufficient Funds" Mine or the banks?
Pyers Symon, Worcester
What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets
Stuart Harley, West Malvern, UK
Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word - goodbye.
Nigel Macarthur, London, UK
What is a banker's favourite chocolate bar? A credit crunchie!
Susanna Page, Chiddingfold, UK
Why didn't the little boy get any pocket money this week?
Cos his Mum's gone to Iceland!
Susanna, Chiddingfold, UK
For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...
John Green, Chessington, Surrey, UK
Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.
Jez, Frodsham,UK
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Emma Ives, Dorking, Surrey, UK
Funnily enough, I run a creative thinking course which uses comedy to demonstrate how novel solutions can be found. When I approached the banks with the idea of running the course for their staff, they laughed. I bet they're not laughing now...(to paraphrase Bob Hope).
Ivor Tymchak, Wakefield, UK
Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
Sottovoce , Cambridge, UK
QUESTION: How do you successfully freeze your financial assets?
ANSWER: Invest in an Icelandic bank
Madeleine Smallman, UK
Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday!
Geoff
Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...
David, Cambridge, UK
Posted by HornyNick
The Italian Job
In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.
Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.
When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.
At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts
scroll down wait for it
"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!""
Posted by fatreg
I was disgusted when I saw Asda selling tins of baby peas...
Surely it's a bit too soon.