Posted by procterdc
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked!
Posted by iqtidar
hahahahaha...
:lol::lol::lol::lol:
did ur wife get mad?
Posted by procterdc
It didn't really happen to me, found it on another site, but thought it was hilarious.
Posted by pmerryman
Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts
or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse
and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.
Posted by pmerryman
Bath in Holy Water
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old Sod, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!
Posted by Cycovision
I heard today that Sting, the famous musician and former front-man of 80's band 'The Police', reckons that he can suppress Orgasm for over 7 hours.
That's nothing. I've been shagging my missus for over 7 years, and she's NEVER come once...
Posted by procterdc
I've got a mate who i've nicknamed "Spiderman" its not cos he's brilliant at climbing walls, its cos he can't get out of the bath.
Posted by Cycovision
A blind guy goes to a prostitute but, as he is blind, he can't see what he is getting and ends up with a pox ridden old boot.
They go upstairs and she undresses. He runs his hand over her spotty arse and recoils.
"It's okay," she says, "It's just a bit of acne."
"Thank god for that," he says, "I thought it was the price list..."
Posted by AbuBasim
As Kevin thumbed through the thick pages of the ancient manuscript lately found deep in the bowels of the Enzo family library in Castellino, with its depictions and detailed woodcuts of the morbid crimes committed during the Spanish Inquisition, he couldn't help but marvel at the serene faces of the Florentine martyrs (Italians are so much tougher than they look!) and thought that his own expression would differ slightly if he were being sawn in half using the crack of his butt as a straight-line.
. . .
There are certain people in the world who emanate an aura of well being -- they radiate sunshine, light up a room, bring out the best in others, and fill your half empty glass to overflowing - yes it was these very people thought Karl, as he sharpened his mirror-finished guthook knife, who were top of his list.
_________________
Snuck! It's ointment time! -- Mad Jack the Pirate
[ This Message was edited by: AbuBasim on 2008-09-17 13:42 ]
Posted by Trev1982
I was asked to do a 10 mile 'Fun Run'. I said"Piss off".They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."Then I thought,f@ck it,I could win this.
Posted by DickySnapples
i lost my virginity to a retard. i wanted my first time to be special.
Posted by DickySnapples
My girlfriend , being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.
Posted by fatreg
What's the best thing ever to come out of Liverpool?
The M62.
Posted by pmerryman
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.
Posted by AbuBasim
Q: How many IT engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
One more:
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Me!
_________________
Souvenirs, novelties, party tricks.
[ This Message was edited by: AbuBasim on 2008-09-30 07:58 ]
Posted by fatreg
An Englishman walked into a bar, purchased his drink and sat next to an American. 'Where are you from?' the Englishman asked the Yank. 'The best country in the World' replied the Yank. 'F*ck me' said the Englishman, 'You've got a wierd accent for a Brit'.
Posted by DickySnapples
What's pink and dusty?
Maddie mccanns bike
Posted by fatreg
Posted by Trev1982
3 couples go camping, men in one tent and women another. 1 bloke wakes up in middle of night and nudges his mate lying next to him " im going next door to f**k my missus, i've got the biggest hard-on i've ever had". "I'd better come with you then" his mate replies "cos its my cock you've got hold of"
Posted by Trev1982
A vicar books into a hotel & says to the hotel clerk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She replies "No sir, its just regular porn, u sick bastard!"
Posted by fatreg
What do you call a Zimbabwean waste paper basket?
A Ballot Box
Posted by fatreg
'A' is the 1st letter of the alphabet and 'H' is the 8th letter, right?
9/11 = 0.81818181 = HAHAHAHA
Posted by AbuBasim
In many countries the date is written 11/9: 11/9 = 1.22222222 = A.BBBBBBBB = joke without punchline.
. . .
[ This Message was edited by: AbuBasim on 2008-10-18 19:01 ]
Posted by gola
Has anyone heard the joke about the Zen master?
Me neither
_________________
"Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do!"
Proverbs 4: 7
[ This Message was edited by: gola on 2008-10-18 19:30 ]
Posted by fatreg
On 2008-10-18 19:49:43, AbuBasim wrote:
In many countries the date is written 11/9: 11/9 = 1.22222222 = A.BBBBBBBB = joke without punchline.
but that wasn't my joke was it???
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
Haha, fatreg your joke was awesome, though I wouldn't say it too loud!
Posted by AbuBasim
On 2008-10-19 12:04:54, fatreg wrote:
On 2008-10-18 19:49:43, AbuBasim wrote:
In many countries the date is written 11/9: 11/9 = 1.22222222 = A.BBBBBBBB = joke without punchline.
but that wasn't my joke was it???
I know
I just twisted it to make it less funny for us not using American date format
Posted by jcwhite_uk
A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
Posted by nicv27
A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood. All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from. "Follow me" he says. Off they flew over hills, over rivers and into the dark, dark forest. "See that tree over there?" he says... Yes, YES they cry....
WELL I FUKCIN' DIDN'T !!
Was reading in the paper today about a dwarf who got pick-pocketed! How the f**k could anybody stoop so low?!
_________________
Nokia n95-1 8gb Feedback
Xbox live gamer tag nicv27http://a-zott.com/images/A-ZoTT%20Userbar%20Trusted.gif
[ This Message was edited by: nicv27 on 2008-10-23 21:31 ]
Posted by NightBlade
LMAO!
Good ones.
Posted by nicv27
Ryanair pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester. The plane is in trouble, so he calls the tower & shouts, "HELP, HELP! Easter, Pancake Tuesday, New Year's Eve, Bank Holiday Monday, Halloween, Bonfire Night"!
Voice comes back and says, "For fukcs sake Paddy, it's Mayday"!!
Tesco installed a medical machine that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When Jim went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "U hav tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, Jim wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: 1. Ur tapwater is too hard. Use softener. 2.Ur dog has ringworm. Giv it antibiotics. 3.Ur daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4.Ur wife is Xpecting twins. Not urs. Get a lawyer. 5.If u keep playing with yourself, ur elbow wont get better! Thank u for shopping at Tesco. X x
Posted by faultymonkey
Worst joke ever: http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/org/swil/JoelPage/purplejoke.html
(Its too long to post on here!)
Posted by procterdc
You lost me at the 1st purple lol
Posted by gola
My purple eyes hurt
Posted by faultymonkey
If you cant be bothered just read the first couple of paragraphs to get the gist of it, then read the last couple of paragraphs. Its a really poor joke but if you tell it you can make up the purple story (the longer the story the worse the joke becomes!)
Posted by sailaab
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
Sara, London, UK
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Niall Davidson Petch, Lincoln, UK
An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"
Anthony, Paris, France
Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"
Phil, London, UK
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
Daniel, Calgary, Canada
What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's
Rob, London, UK
Why did the Banker cross the road? - Because he stapled himself to the chicken.
Charles Brockley, Norwich , Norfolk, UK
What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Tom, London, UK
We've been playing office bingo with phrases like "In The Current Climate.." to see how many times we hear it in a week..
Jen, Ipswich, UK
I've re-named my morning bowl of muesli at the desk Credit Crunch.
Robert Fulford, London, UK
Three investment bankers are sitting outside a coffee shop, sipping glumly on their cappucinos. The first one says "It's terrible, I have lost five million on my accounts this morning, there is no way to recover my losses. When I get back inside I'm going to go past my office, up to the fifth floor, open a window and jump out" The second one says "You think that's bad; I've lost nine million on my accounts in the last hour, I have nothing left. I'm going to ride the lift all the way up to the ninth, open a window and jump out" The third one says "I'm glad our building only has fourteen floors."
Bob, High Wycombe, UK
The last time Iceland had a crash like this aisle three was closed all day.
Stuart Harley, West Malvern, UK
Q: Why are all MBAs going back to school?
A: To ask for their money back.
G. Reinis, Lafayette, CA USA
I had a cheque returned earlier. "Insufficient Funds" Mine or the banks?
Pyers Symon, Worcester
What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets
Stuart Harley, West Malvern, UK
Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word - goodbye.
Nigel Macarthur, London, UK
What is a banker's favourite chocolate bar? A credit crunchie!
Susanna Page, Chiddingfold, UK
Why didn't the little boy get any pocket money this week?
Cos his Mum's gone to Iceland!
Susanna, Chiddingfold, UK
For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...
John Green, Chessington, Surrey, UK
Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.
Jez, Frodsham,UK
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Emma Ives, Dorking, Surrey, UK
Funnily enough, I run a creative thinking course which uses comedy to demonstrate how novel solutions can be found. When I approached the banks with the idea of running the course for their staff, they laughed. I bet they're not laughing now...(to paraphrase Bob Hope).
Ivor Tymchak, Wakefield, UK
Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
Sottovoce , Cambridge, UK
QUESTION: How do you successfully freeze your financial assets?
ANSWER: Invest in an Icelandic bank
Madeleine Smallman, UK
Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday!
Geoff
Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...
David, Cambridge, UK
Posted by HornyNick
The Italian Job
In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.
Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.
When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.
At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts
scroll down wait for it
"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!""
Posted by fatreg
I was disgusted when I saw Asda selling tins of baby peas...
Surely it's a bit too soon.
Posted by se_love
Ok to get this joke i have to explain. In my country pontoi are kinda like retarted hillbillies and are used for retarted hillbillyjokes. Not that im saying all hillbillies are retarted but just saying that its in that stereotypical form.
One day 3 pontoi where walking along a path one day. They see 3 germans and the germans see them(it was WW2). They get chased and lose them for a while by hiding n a well. They go to each other and say that what ever a german says its repeated 3 times. So the germans come up to the well. One german goes man we lost them. Mabye there in the barn? And the 3 pontoi go mabye there in the barn mabye there in the barn mabye there in the barn... The second german goes mabye there in the car and the three pontoi go mabye there in the car mabye there in the car mabye there in the car.... and the 3rd geman goes mabye there in the well and the three pontoi mabye there in the mountains mabye there int he mountains mabye there in the mountains!
Get the joke? Netiher did i the way i posted it.
Posted by mcrosser
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Posted by Cycovision
All this talk of genetically modified food being bad for you and tasting horrible is absolute nonsense. Just the other night, I had lovely big leg of salmon and it was delicious...
Whoever coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" has obviously never tried Morrison's own-brand Chedder.
I came home last night and the missus had made me some sandwiches.
"What's in them?" I asked.
"Crab Paste." She said.
"Oh yeah?" I said. "Where did you get that from ?"
"The Chemists."
Posted by Cycovision
Here's a blast from the past for older computer enthusiasts; one of the earliest examples of a hugely popular viral email / bbs message. And it's still one of the best, I reckon!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to
all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very
serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny.
_____________________________________________________
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse
fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and
harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ
depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced
using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be
used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing
these necessary items.
To re-order, specify one of the following:
P/N 33f8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33f8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
_________________________________________________________
Posted by fatreg
^
Posted by pmerryman
This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers.
It makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is
hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe,
Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more
or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and
gave her little jobs to do here and there t o make her feel important, They
even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to
her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the
bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the
little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact
she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men
building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house
again this week, as well?'
The little girl thought for a moment and said...
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewson's deliver the nice bricks.'
Posted by goldenface
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent. ...
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrived.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
Posted by fatreg
Studies have shown that Americans are heavier drinkers than Brits.
They just don't drink as much.
Posted by Neo-Tech
Lmao at this
MEN VERSUS WOMEN AT THE ATM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on
to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to
machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with
your PIN written on the inside back
page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct
PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register
and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.. And they need a laugh, too!
Posted by pmerryman
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F * ck....
Posted by pmerryman
Not really a joke, but classic 2 Ronnies.
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks and losing her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fassive mart. 'Who's fust jarted?' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
THE END.
Posted by masseur
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