Posted by pmerryman
Brilliant
Posted by Mige
nice... cool..
Posted by vladn02
these are from bash.org pretty fun stuff there here are some more of my favorites
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
^^^^ LMFAO ROFL!!!!!! THAT IS FUNNNNNY!!
tofunny
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something
Posted by Mige
haha
Posted by fatreg
A man walks into a petrol station and says, "can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
Posted by haynesycop
Posted by DickySnapples
Just as maddy mcann was about to be named hide and seek champion of the world some austrian bitch goes and beats her by 23 years.
[ This Message was edited by: Dicky Snapples on 2008-05-09 16:29 ]
Posted by HornyNick
Josef Fritzl LTD. Cellar conversion and sound proofing specialist.
A family business established for 24 years.
Posted by nicv27
Woman goes & buys a parrot. Parrots are £100, £200 & £15. She asks whys the last 1 is so cheap?
'Because he used to live in a brothel' says shopkeeper. She doesnt mind & buys it.
When she gets home the parrot says, 'F##k me a new brothel!' The woman finds it funny. When her daughters get home the parrot says, 'F##k me 2 new prozzies!' The daughters find it funny too.When dad gets home the parrot says, 'F##k me Clive, havent seen you for weeks'!
Just bought Elizabeth Fritzls diary off Ebay. Heres a typical week;
Mon - stayed in.
Tue - stayed in.
Wed - stayed in.
Thur - stayed in.
Fri - stayed in.
Sat - dad came down for a shag!
Sun - stayed in.
_________________
Nokia n95 4gb Black video Ipod 30gb Feedback +3
[ This Message was edited by: nicv27 on 2008-05-09 20:07 ]
Posted by sailaab
Old man holding middle finger and showing tongue
.
The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was taking his vitals.
“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?”
The nurse replied, “I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs.”
Posted by pmerryman
On 2008-05-09 21:04:56, nicv27 wrote:
Woman goes & buys a parrot. Parrots are £100, £200 & £15. She asks whys the last 1 is so cheap?
'Because he used to live in a brothel' says shopkeeper. She doesnt mind & buys it.
When she gets home the parrot says, 'F##k me a new brothel!' The woman finds it funny. When her daughters get home the parrot says, 'F##k me 2 new prozzies!' The daughters find it funny too.When dad gets home the parrot says, 'F##k me Clive, havent seen you for weeks'!
Pissing myself laughing
Posted by procterdc
On 2008-05-11 00:16:01, sailaab wrote:
Old man holding middle finger and showing tongue
.
The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was taking his vitals.
“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?”
The nurse replied, “I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs.”
Am i missing something? lol
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
Yeeeah I don't get it either...
Posted by JiSm
I think its coz hes old and his pecker dun work - leavin his mouth and finger as the only Sexual Organs left. Hmmmm.
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
Haha riiiight. I guess it ain't my type of joke.
Posted by Danny_BFC
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.
'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'
'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
box you get cr*p on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'f**k it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.
Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging
out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?'
says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
'I f*cking wrote it !!!'
a little boy runs up to his mother, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Leaf?"
His Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head".
The next day, his little sister runs up, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?"
Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head".
The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*.
Mother says: "shut up, Fridge".
_________________
We Love You Barnsley, We Do (Y)
Im not Racist, Homophobic, Rude, Insulting or Harsh. Im from Yorkshire and i Say what i think.
[ This Message was edited by: Danny_BFC on 2008-05-23 02:32 ]
Posted by Brightspark
why wasn't jesus born in liverpool?
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they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin
[ This Message was edited by: Brightspark on 2008-05-23 03:35 ]
Posted by Cycovision
The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*.
Mother says: "shut up, Fridge".
Mother says: "shut up, Fridge".
That one caused me to spit tea all over the keyboard
Posted by Mige
haha
Posted by haynesycop
Jeremy Clarkson & Amy Winehouse bump into each other at an awards ceremony and get chatting. She asks him;
"So what do you do?"
He replies; "Top Gear"
F@cking brilliant she says i'll have 3 grams.
Posted by fatreg
Whats pink and covered in cobwebs?
Madeleine McCann's bike
Posted by fatreg
Lost the Carling Cup?
Lost the Premier League?
Lost the European Cup?
Lost a parent?
Talk to Frank
Posted by haynesycop
NEWS FLASH
Petrol stations are to offer free porn at the fuel pumps so you can watch somebody else get f@cked while you are.
Posted by fatreg
Why do bulimics love KFC?
Because it comes with a bucket.
Posted by haynesycop
Posted by haynesycop
Scientists have found that many women develop DYSONS disease after only 1 year of marriage.
They make a continuous whining noise and don't suck anymore.
Posted by fatreg
Where can you find 64,000,000 French jokes?
France
Posted by Lo-couk
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Posted by jcwhite_uk
Not actually a joke but I thought this was funny:
The United States Patent Office has seen a large increase in the number of space-related trademark filings now that space tourism is close to reality. The most amusing has been Hertz Rent A Car who have trademarked the gamut, including Lunar Hertz, Mars Hertz, and yes, even the inevitable Uranus Hertz.
Posted by masseur
evolution of robbery
Posted by tranced
Posted by Caspa
now thats spot on!
Posted by shelly58
MAKING A BABY
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
Posted by fatreg
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the f**k happened on the ninth of November anyway?
I was reading the Sun this morning when I saw the headline "John Leslie in Police Rape Quiz"
Imagine my disappointment when I realised it wasn't a game show.
Posted by fatreg
What does WTC stand for?
What Trade Centre........
Posted by himlims_nl
On 2008-05-27 12:00:10, haynesycop wrote:
Jeremy Clarkson & Amy Winehouse bump into each other at an awards ceremony and get chatting. She asks him;
"So what do you do?"
He replies; "Top Gear"
F@cking brilliant she says i'll have 3 grams.
lool so lame but still loool
Posted by arien617
bash.org is the sh!t.
Posted by Cycovision
This one must have been posted before. Probably by me...
I man walks into a bar (yawn!), sits on a stool and orders a pint, and proceeds to fumble around in his inside jacket pocket.
He eventually pulls out a miniature grand piano and carefully places it on the bar. Then, he digs inside his pocket again and, much to the amazement of the barman who has been watching intently, pulls out a tiny little man in full formal dress. He places the man gently on the bar, and the man promptly starts playing the piano.
"That's bloody amazing!" Says the barman. "Where on earth did you get that?"
"Well," says the man, looking around suspiciously, "take a look at this..."
He then goes back inside his jacket pocket and pulls out a bottle. "In here, there's a Genie." he whispers. "Ask him for whatever you want but you'll have to speak up because he's a bit deaf." With that, he pulls the stopper out of the bottle and, surely enough, a genie appears.
"Clucking bell!" says the barman. "I'll have a million quid!"
POOOF! There's a big flash of light and all of a sudden the barman finds himself covered from head to toe in live, wriggling, slimy squid.
"What the hell?" He screams. "I didn't ask for this?"
"Tell me about it." Says the man. " Do you really think that I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
Posted by pmerryman
nice one Cyco, iv'e not heard it before.
Posted by procterdc
Things I've Learned from My Children
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Posted by pmerryman
Received this on email saying it was an old joke, but I have never heard it before, a classic.
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
Posted by procterdc
A blind man and his guide dog enter a pub and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy shouts to the barman,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The barman is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind guy says, 'Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Posted by himlims_nl
On 2008-07-02 10:53:03, procterdc wrote:
Things I've Learned from My Children
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
a bunch more
hihihih good laugh let me add one;
22. Reading funny jokes at esato while eating, results in cleaning your lunch of your monitor
Posted by pmerryman
A chicken farmer went to a local bar......sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence,' the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence,' says the man. As they clinked glasses, the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I am a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence....'
Posted by whizkidd
These are answers, some students have written in their exams...
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon.
All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around and around. There is not much else to do.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
Posted by j0be
This is really funny
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last
one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I,Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
Posted by procterdc
Which website does Chewbacca go on to look for information????
Wookiepedia
Posted by badassmam
Sorry to any scousers out there but:
Q. What do you call a scouser in a white shell suit?
A. The Bride
Q. What do you call a scouser with a tie?
A. The accused
Sorry again
Posted by pmerryman
A man riding his Motor bike along a Northumberland beach when suddenly the
> > sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
> > "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
> > wish."
> >
> > The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Holland so I can ride
> > over anytime I want."'
> >
> > The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
> > challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching
> > the bottom of the the North Sea and the concrete and steel it would take! It
> > will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
> > hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
> > and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
> >
> > The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
"Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women.
I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries,
what she really means when she says nothing's wrong,
and
how I can make a woman truly happy."
> >
> > The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?
Posted by fatreg
I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "do you sell bereavement cards?"
She said, "yes, sir."
So I said, "could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"