Posted by LesleyAnn
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
Posted by goldenface
@Lesley
LMAO
That was funny
Posted by HornyNick
A teacher asks her class "Which part of the body gets 10 times bigger when excited?"
Little Suzy says "Miss, you are being rude, you should not ask questions like that to little children. You will get into trouble."
The teacher ignores her and repeats the question
Suzy shouts "I CANT BELIEVE YOU ASKED AGAIN!! WHEN IM GET HOME IM GONNA TELL MY DADDY WHO WILL REPORT YOU TO THE HEAD MASTER AND GET YOU SACKED!!"
Just then little Johnny puts his hand up and says "The answer is the pupils, miss"
Teacher says "Well, done Johnny. As for you suzy, 1. you didnt do your homework last night. 2. you have a dirty mind. and 3. you will be very dissapointed when u get older."
[ This Message was edited by: HornyNick on 2008-03-26 06:32 ]
Posted by susie
On 2008-03-07 15:36:13, nicv27 wrote:
Three little ducks go into a bar...
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great .. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
pmsl,
Thats great lol
Posted by nicv27
God was fed up, In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three
influential humans, George Bush, Russian President, and Bill Gates. "The
human race is a complete disappointment", God boomed. "You each have one
week to prepare your followers for the end of the world."
Then, with another crash of thunder they found themselves back on
Earth.
Bush immediately called in his cabinet. "I have good news and bad
news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad
news is Gods really mad and plans to end the world in a week."
In Russia President announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news
and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a god
after all. The worse news is Gods mad and is going to end the world in a
week."
Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have
good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of
the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed "The better news is
we dont have to fix Windows Vista any more."
Posted by nicv27
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails
down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her
nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed nails --
asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them
instead."
Posted by LesleyAnn
^:lol:
Posted by KingBooker5
What does AIDS stand for?
Annaly Injected Death Sentence
Posted by nicv27
Farmers divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Farmer: "Yeah, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
Attorney: "Well, do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I got a John Deere."
Attorney: "No, you still don't understand! I mean do you have a grudge?"
Farmer: "Yeah I got a grudge! That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes, sir, I got a suit! I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Farmer: "Nope, we both get up about 4:30."
Attorney: "Okay, let me put it this way... why do you want a divorce?"
Farmer: "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
Posted by nicv27
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
Posted by vladn02
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in Canada by boat and one says to the other, 'I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.'
'Odd,' her companion replies, 'but if we shall live in Canada, we might as well do as the Canadians do.'
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell 'Get your dogs here' and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
'Two dogs, please! ,' says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers cautiously, 'What part did you get'??????
Posted by HornyNick
What did the Mexican fire chief call his two sons?
Hose A and Hose B.
Posted by _!GameKing!_
A Classic Joke:
Q: Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
A: Cuz it ran out of juice!!!
(yea i kno it was crapp but was the only one i can think of lol)
Posted by procterdc
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
Posted by procterdc
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
===========================================
* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
Posted by Cycovision
It's been confirmed that Dawn French has contracted the Ebola flesh-eating disease.
Doctors have given her 27 years to live...
Posted by fatreg
Posted by mosdelln
I dont mean no offence by this one, got sent it via a txt:
2 asylum seekers drop dead in tesco: Every little helps
Posted by fatreg
A Redneck boy gets married and takes his lovely new wife home to their trailer
He Carries her over the threshold
They retire to the bedroom
"She looks up and says please be gentle, I'm a Virgin"
He's off like a rocket down the street and back to parents
Dad comes to him and says "oi it's you're wedding night what you doing here"
He says "Dad, she's a virgin"
Dad says "You did the right thing son, If she ain't good enough for her own family she deffinately ain't good enough for our's!!"
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
AHAHAHA
Posted by jcwhite_uk
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'
Posted by jcwhite_uk
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
Scroll down - THERE'S MORE
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
Scroll down - IT IS NOT OVER YET
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his fook'n hen-gliding!"
Posted by jcwhite_uk
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Posted by LesleyAnn
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! "shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand…"
Posted by HornyNick
a young woman was in a nasty car crash and lost a lot of blood. her huband rushed to give her his, and she made a full recovery.
a few years later they go through a very nasty divorce and during an arguement in the solicitors office, the man screams " and i want back all the blood that i gave you as well!"
The woman puts her hand down her knickers, pulls out a tampon and throws it in his face.
"here," she screams "i'll give it u back in monthly installments!"
Posted by aksd
True Story
I had just bought a W800, from the grey market before it was launched in India, this was 3, 3.5 years ago, I took it to college and those days basically the most famous phones were the Nokia 6600, 7610 etc..
So I was the only guy in college with a W800i, and my friend sees it and was like "WOW! Thats a W800i" I was like "Yeah, cool is'nt it" , and then hes like in all seriousness "Is it a lesbian?"
I was "hahaha, you're joking right?"
He replied saying " You know install external software, like a comp" I was like "You b****** thats Symbian!"
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
Hahahaha! I'm surprised someone that knew the name of the phone when it wasn't even out in your country didn't know the difference between lesbian and Symbian!
Posted by aksd
On 2008-04-10 15:28:49, Muhammad-Oli wrote:
Hahahaha! I'm surprised someone that knew the name of the phone when it wasn't even out in your country didn't know the difference between lesbian and Symbian!
LOL! strange indeed, but if you remember the K750i/W800i was a revolutionary phone, the Walman label itself made it special and the colours, never seen efore. How I loved that phone
I guess the lesbian thing was more a slip of the tongue(or maybe something related to what he was thinking of at the moment
)
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
Hahaha, yeah. Thats hilarious mate. Its always good to have a joke you can tell which actually happened!
Posted by Cycovision
Lesbian UIQ
I wonder if it comes in two versions, "Butch" and "you'd never know unless she told you"?
Posted by fatreg
Boy: Those clothes are very becoming on you!
Girl: Why thank you!
Boy: Of course, if I was on you...I would becoming too!
Posted by haynesycop
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can
take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can
take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks.'
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an
arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half
the country looking for work within twenty-four hours
Posted by max_wedge
Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The barman says to the two pieces of string, "we don't serve your kind in here. Get out before I throw you out" Rejected the two pieces of string try another bar, but the same thing happens.
Then one of the pieces of string says "sod this. I'm getting a drink at the next bar, no matter what". So he reaches down and ties himself into a knot. Then he ruffles up his hair, and walks into the next bar.
The bar looks at him suspiciously and says, "Hey, aren't you a piece of string?"
The string says, "No I'm a frayed knot".
hahahahahahahahahahahahaahhahahahah
Posted by Danny_BFC
Women are like Parking spaces. all the good ones are taken so when no ones looking you slip it into a disabled one
Paddy buys a bath but takes it back the next day complaining that water keeps running out. "Did you buy a plug?" the store owner asks, Paddy says you fecker, you never said it was electric
Posted by pmerryman
Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat for 2 days, skip a day, and so on for 2 weeks, you should lose 5lbs."
When paddy returned he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st.
"Thats amazing said the doc".... Paddy nodded...."I'll tell u be jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day." "What from hunger said the doc?"..."No from all the Fu**ing skipping!"
Posted by thomas93
Youve already said that one.
Paddy & Murphy are walking in the park and Paddy falls down a well. Murphy shouts down to him
"Paddy! Is it dark down there"
Paddy replies "I don't know, I cant see"
Posted by pmerryman
John Arne Riise has just been stopped by the Police on the motorway. Apparently, he was heading in the wrong direction.
Taxi. I will get my coat.
Posted by Trev1982
would it help if i new who he was?? cause i dont get it
Posted by pmerryman
The Liverpool player, who headed the ball into his own net in injury time last night.
Posted by Trev1982
oh i dont do soccer lol
Posted by Cycovision
Police are investigating the bigger picture of
Mark Speight's death.
It was sent in by 11 year
old Susie from Reading.
Hyperlink provided for Taz's benefit
Posted by KingBooker5
How many dyslexics does it take to change a light blub?
Posted by Danny_BFC
1?
Paddy and Mick are throwing stowns at the floor
Paddy Missed...
Posted by max_wedge
On 2008-04-23 22:40:56, KingBooker5 wrote:
How many dyslexics does it take to change a light blub?
neo?
Posted by Trev1982
funny bugger cyco lol, i watch news just nos soccer lol
Posted by Cycovision
My mate Sid was a victim of ID theft. He's just called 'S' now...
Posted by pmerryman
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'
And he replied:
'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened'
'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, ' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And he began:
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don'twear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..'
He took a quick breath and continued:
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ''Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Posted by vladn02
First Day of Vet School
First-year students at Auburn University Vet School were receiving
their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered
around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor: The first
is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his
mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the
dead cow and
sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
Posted by pmerryman
Nice one.
Posted by Danny_BFC
It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.
As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.
Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"