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Post Your funny Jokes Here


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Posted by lor
ey guys, how many sms can i keep in the t68i? in the inbox, sent, unsent? all that?

someone said 80?


*this is not a joke btw*




Posted by mhorton
I don't think it's that many is it.

Do you mean on the SIM card as well. Or just on the phones memory

Posted by orang3
in my sim i can only store 10 .. and ard 40 +to 50

Posted by mhorton
I really don't know how many my SIM can hold. I have never thought to try it.

Posted by lor
so far, i have like 62 sms, and phone memory is 92% full.
Sim memory is still at 0%

Posted by Beatrix
>LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER

>Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."
>
>Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
>
>"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
>
>"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own nice business!!"
>
>----------
>
>LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
>A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.
>
>He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
>
>The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
>
>Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
>
>Which one is married?"
>
>The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little BILLY
replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I
like your thinking."
>
>----------
>
>LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
>Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
>
>"Why?" asks the father."
>
>"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
>
>"But that's right!" says his dad.
>
>"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
>
>"What's the nice difference? " asks the father.
>
>"That's what I said!"
>
>----------
>
>LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
>Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
>
>BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
>
>Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
>
>Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
>
>----------
>
>LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
>One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
>
>First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
>
>"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.

>
>"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
>
>The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called
on little BILLY.
>
>"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just nice beautiful!"

Posted by mhorton


That's a good one

Posted by lor
already posted,

Posted by Unibond
Yeap I posted that before, but its becoming very difficult to keep up with this topic especially with the great (and very long) jokes you post lor.

I hope this wasn't posted before. By the way, luckily I'm not married

My wife and I have the secret to making our marriage last: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, an electric breadmaker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I'm thinking of getting her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically,100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" ...I said, DUST !
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.



Posted by Unibond
MARRIAGE - PART 1

A typical macho man married a good-looking lady and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I
expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell
you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and
card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't
you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just
understand that there'll be sex here at our house
every night at seven o'clock... whether you're home or
not."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MARRIAGE - PART 2

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of
their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'".
"Yeah?" she fires back, "When you die, I'm getting you
a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff
At Last!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MARRIAGE - PART 3
A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at
the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and
says, "And you are no good in bed either!" and storms
out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to
make amends and calls her up. She comes to the phone
after many rings and the irritated husband asks, "What
took you so long to answer the phone?"
She replies, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late, doing what?" he demands.
"Getting a second opinion!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MARRIAGE - PART 4

A man has six children and is very proud of his
achievement. He is so proud of himself, he starts
calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her
objections. One night, they go to a party. When it's
time to go home he shouts at the top of his voice,
"Shall we leave now, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of
discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready,
Father of Four!'"



Posted by bobahiom
Why do blondes have more fun?

It's easier to keep them amused.

Posted by GOwin
Classy things to say when stressed
1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"
2.. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"
3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
4. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
7. "Do I look like a nice people person!"
8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
11. "YOU!!... off my planet!!!"
12. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. Youchoose"
13. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"
14. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"
15. "And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"
16. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
17. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
18. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
19. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
20. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable",,
21. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet"
22. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
23. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
24. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"
25. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
26. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."
27. "Not all men are annoying. Some aredead."
28. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
29. "Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."
30. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
31. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
32. "Earth is full. Go home."
33. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
34. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
35. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
36. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
37. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport"

Posted by orang3
http://www.deionarra.com/oldchangitour.swf>


Posted by dmgpizen
You Might Be A Geek If...
If ten or more of these apply, I hope you work in the computer industry.


Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
You introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife".
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You want an 16x CDROM for Christmas.
Dilbert is your hero.
You can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
Your spouse sends you an e-mail to call you to dinner.
Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids` toys.
You use a CAD package to design your son`s Pinewood Derby car.
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
It goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
You window shop at Radio Shack.
Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest science-fiction movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
You are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera`s flash attachment.
You don`t even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
You have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
You know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
You own "Official Star Trek" anything.
You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what`s inside.
A team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
You ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You have never backed-up your hard drive.
You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud.
You truly believe aliens are living among us.
You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is".
You see a good design and still have to change it.
The salespeople at Circuit City can`t answer any of your questions.
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
You own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don`t remember where they are.
You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
You have more toys than your kids.
You need a checklist to turn on the TV.
You have ever introduced your kids by the wrong name.
You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
Your I.Q. is a higher number than your weight.
The microphone or visual aids at a meeting don`t work and you rush up to the front to fix it.
You can remember the passwords for seven different computers but not your wedding anniversary.
You have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
You have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family`s first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
You know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use.
You can type 70 words a minute but can`t read your own handwriting.
People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
You can`t remember where you parked your car for the third time this week.
You ran the sound system for your senior prom.
Your checkbook always balances.
Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
You think that when people around you yawn, it`s because they didn`t get enough sleep.
You spend more on your home computer than your car.
You know what http stands for.
You`ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
You have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
Your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
Your lap-top computer costs more than your car.
Your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate.
Your nutritional pyramid is made of empty Jolt cans.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher."
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP`s access number.
You try to hum to communicate with a modem. You succeed.
The only jokes you know are on the web

Posted by mhorton
1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy fcuks.

11. People in the 70's couldn't fcuk unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of @#%$ out of you if you shove your @#%$ in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before @#%$ both of you.

24. Women never have headaches.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's @#%$, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a @#%$ there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

Posted by mhorton
SI - "Doc, I've got an orange willy"

Doc - "What??"

SI - "My willy, it's turned orange"

Doc - "Umm, I'll have to look that up. It seems it could be a sign of
stress. Do you suffer from stress?

SI - "Not really"

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

SI - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I
worked 80 hours a week for pennies and then I got the sack"

Doc - "That sounds very stressful"
SI - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary
and I feel really appreciated"

Doc - "Umm, what about your home life?"

SI- "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts
me down every chance she gets"

Doc - "That sounds stressful"

SI - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier"

Doc - "Umm, what about your social life?"

SI - "Social life? I don't really have one"

Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"

SI - "Watch porn and eat Wotsits"


Posted by lor
hahahha, good one man

Posted by ShawO
An Order of Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

Logic beyond logic

Job Interview

During the colonial days, three friends went together to apply for a job.

The prospective employer was a cocky and nasty English manager.

Ah Chong was the first to be interviewed.

Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?

Ah Chong: Yes Sir

Manager: What will happen if I poke your left eye with my finger?

Ah Chong: I will become partially blind, Sir!

Manager: What will happen if I poke the other eye?

Ah Chong: I will become totally blind, Sir!

Manager: Very well, wait outside. Next!

As Ali was going into the room, Ah Chong told his friend, just answer 'partially blind' and 'blind' and you sure pass!

Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?

Ali: Yes Sir

Manager: What will happen if I poke your left eye?

Ali: I will become partially blind, Sir!

Manager: What will happen if I poke the other eye?

Ali: I will become totally blind, Sir!

Manager: Very well, wait outside. Next!

Ali came out and told Singh that Ah Chong was right, just answer 'partially blind' and 'blind' and you sure pass!

However, the manager suspected something fishy and decided to change the questions...

Manager: I'm going to ask you two simple questions, ready..?

Singh: Yes Sir

Manager: What will happen if I cut off your left ear?

Singh: I will become partially blind, Sir!

Manager: What will happen if I cut off your other ear?

Singh: I will become totally blind, Sir!

Angry Manager: Tell me how you'll go blind if I cut off your ears?

Singh: If you cut my left ear, my turban will drop one side and cover my left eye. If you cut off my other ear, my whole turban will drop and cover my eyes completely!


Posted by Beatrix
sorry if this has been posted before...

An E-Mail To The Wrong Wife

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail.

But due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife, whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor,let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her
family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:


Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here!!!

Moral of the story, watch your fingers when you send out your emails!!!



Posted by Wings_Talons
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.

"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"





Posted by Beatrix
Mom's Affair
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One
day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her
husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover
end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove.
Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

Posted by captainsm
*LOLOL*

Posted by ShawO
Viagra for Gramps

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

Posted by mhorton


Posted by Beatrix
A mother and a baby camels were lazing around, and suddenly the baby camel ask...
Baby : Mother, mother, can I ask you some question?
Mother: Sure! why son, is there something bothering you?
Baby : Why do camels have humps?
Mother: Well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water and we are known to survive without water.
Baby : Okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded?
Mother: Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert. You know with these legs I can move around the desert better than anyone! Said the mother proudly.
Baby : Okay, then why are our eye lashes long? Sometimes it is bothering my sight.
Mother: My son, those long thick eye lashes are your protective cover.
They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind.
Said mother camel with eyes brimming with pride.
Baby : I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert,
the legs are for walking through the desert and these eye lashes protects my eyes from the desert. Then what the hell are we doing here in the zzzoo???

MORAL OF THE STORY IS
" SKILLS, KNOWLEDGE, ABILITIES AND EXPERIENCES ARE ONLY USEFUL IF YOU ARE AT THE RIGHT PLACE "

Posted by mhorton
That's a funny one.


Posted by captainsm


Posted by ShawO
Human Resource Lingo

COMPETITIVE SALARY We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

TOO PUSHY !!!
A lesson on being too pushy!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open."Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet."If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

Posted by ShawO
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." he man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Posted by mhorton
Cool keep them coming!!

Posted by dmgpizen
WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!

1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5) Are You Andy or Barney?

6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer

7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

I pay your salary!

9) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

13) What? You need a license to drive?

14) Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!

15) Is your power a penis substitute?

16) Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk

17) Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.

18) Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.

19) Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?

20) A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind

21) Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?

22) Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.

23) Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence

24) Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?

25) Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too

26) My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal

27) Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

28) Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?

29) You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me

30) In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?

31) If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight

32) Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?

33) Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either

34) Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut

35) Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?

36) Do you have any idea who you're talking to?

37) There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.

38) What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol

39) That uniform makes your ass look really big.

40) You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

41) I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

42) So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

Posted by ICE


Posted by mhorton
I think I'm going to put all these on a web-site. What ya think?

Posted by mhorton
man goes into jewellers and starts scratching his arse like mad.
jeweller threatens to kick him out,
man says "but your sign says come in and pick yourring in comfort"

Posted by Beatrix
HOW TO MAKE LOVE

Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well
creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts,
leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat
steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and
after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

Posted by mhorton


Posted by orang3
cool .. finally i found a reciepe i can be good at ..

Posted by Wings_Talons
It was my forty-fifth birthday. I knew my wife would say "Happy Birthday." She didn't even say, "Good Morning." I thought, maybe the children will remember. The children didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, its such a beautiful day, let's go to lunch, just you and me." That was the best thing I had heard all day and I agreed. We went to lunch, into the country to a little private place. On the way back, she said, "You know, we don't need to go back to the office, do we? Let's go to my apartment." After arriving there, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something comfortable."

Sure, I replied excitedly. In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing "Happy Birthday" and there on the couch I sat... naked.



Posted by mhorton
OFFICE SARCASM

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me,
and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives
me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't
open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic
and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be
injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is
priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me
with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD
have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living
increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Posted by mhorton
Most of these are awful (if not all of them)


A lorry load of red paint crashed into a lorry load of blue paint. The
drivers were marooned for hours.

A lorry load or terrapins crashed into a lorry load of tortoises. It
was a turtle disaster.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at
the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks.
"No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned in to a field.

A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The
barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain.
The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to
start something."

What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own vimto.

A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear,
and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers
office: "There's a woman to see you, she's 100 in arrears."

Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was
stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened
criminals.
Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?
In Iraq.

A plane load of spit crashed into the sea, there were no salivas...

Posted by mhorton
Subject: Drug Warning

Importance: High

Police are warning all clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub
regulars
to be on alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many
females to
target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and
is
now available almost anywhere.

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to
persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a
woman
needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then
simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered
helpless
against this approach. After several "beer" men will often succumb to
desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they
would
never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken
with
only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before,
often
with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently, men
are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and

sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory
women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in
every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter

in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
yellow pages.

Posted by mhorton
Not really a joke but still good

http://www.seethru.co.uk/zine/south_coast/helicopter_game.htm

Posted by mhorton

http://hellsgate.online.ee/~mait/fahrschule.swf

Posted by mhorton
one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's
nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole.
It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when
he was 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone
marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Posted by mhorton
THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

Stage 1 - CLEVER

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE

This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so,naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength.
You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything,because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason.

You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.

THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
------------------------------

Stage 1 - STUPID

As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY

Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.

Stage 3 - POOR

Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the poor when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point

Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE

As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS

This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.


Posted by drow
In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"



Posted by drow
lolol - i simply had to add another one...

***

A couple of months ago, during the soccer wm a new trend started: The use of wm condoms which of course came in the colours gold, silver and bronze.

Hearing this Ben thought he now had a good excuse to get to do some love-making with his wife and asked her which ones he should choose. Of course, Ben was hooked on the gold condoms, though his wife disagreed and said that he should pick up the silver ones instead?

Ben was confused and asked "Why not the gold"?

"Because it's about time that you come second for once"

Posted by Liam
What do you call astupid Chinese Boy


Dim Sun

Can you tell Iwork in a kitchen?

Posted by mhorton
Hmmm..

Posted by drow
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"



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