Posted by vladn02
Smart-ass Answer #1:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said,
Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Smart-ass Answer #2:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."
Smart-ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart-ass Answer #4:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge
is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up
for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car
and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got
stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and
ran
out of gas."
and finally, the
SMART-ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head,and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."
Posted by aldrinus
@king...
that oct 18 post really made my day... its wickedly hilarious and somehow downright honest!
cheers, mate!
Posted by nicv27
Paddy is appearing on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.
Chris: "Paddy you've done very well so far. You've got £64,000 and
one life line left - phone a friend. The next question will
give you £125,000 if you get it right but, if you get it
wrong, you'll will be out of the game and drop to £32,000.
Are you ready?"
Paddy: "For sure Chris, I am."
Chris: "On the screen is a photo of a current Manchester United
player as a baby. Which Manchester United player is it? Now
think about this carefully, Paddy, it's worth £125,000.
You're only three questions away from one million pounds."
Paddy: "I think I know who it is... er, but I'm not 100% sure... no
I'm sure it's Beckham, I'm sure it's Beckham... Can I phone a
friend, Chris, just to be sure?"
Chris: "Yes Paddy, who do you want to phone?"
Paddy: "I'll phone Murphy."
(ringing)
Murphy: "Hullo?"
Chris: "Hello Murphy, it's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a
Millionaire. I have Paddy O'Reilly here and he's doing really
well on £64,000 but needs your help to get to £125,000. This
is a visual question, we're faxing you the photo now. Have
you received it?"
Murphy: "Yes, Chris."
Chris: "The next voice you hear will be Paddy's. He'll explain the
question and you'll have 30 seconds to answer. Fire away
Paddy."
Paddy: "Hullo there, Murphy."
Murphy: "Hullo, Paddy."
Paddy: "Murphy, that photo is a baby picture of which current Man
United player. I'm sure it's Beckham, what do you think?"
Murphy: "It's never Beckham, it's obviously Smichael."
Paddy: "You think so, Murphy?"
Murphy: "I'm sure."
Paddy: "Thanks, Murphy."
(hangs up)
Chris: "Well, a difference of opinion there. Do you want to stick on
£64,000 or play on for £125,000, Paddy?"
Paddy: "I want to play, I'm so sure it's Beckham I'm going to go with
me first answer: Beckham."
Chris: "You're saying Beckham?"
Paddy: "I am."
Chris: "Are you confident?"
Paddy: "Yes... Fairly..."
Chris: "You have £64,000 and you saying Beckham. If you're right you
go up to £125,000 and if you're wrong you walk away with
£32,000. Is Beckham your final answer?"
Paddy: "It is, Chris."
Chris: "Paddy............ I'm afraid it was wrong, sorry Paddy. Here
is your cheque for £32,000. You've been a great contestant
and a real gambler. Audience, please put your hands together
for Paddy!"
(applause...)
Paddy: "Before I go Chris, what was the correct answer? It's killing
me."
Chris: "Andy Cole."
Posted by vladn02
On 2007-10-24 21:38:32, nicv27 wrote:
Paddy is appearing on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.
Chris: "Paddy you've done very well so far. You've got £64,000 and
one life line left - phone a friend. The next question will
give you £125,000 if you get it right but, if you get it
wrong, you'll will be out of the game and drop to £32,000.
Are you ready?"
Paddy: "For sure Chris, I am."
Chris: "On the screen is a photo of a current Manchester United
player as a baby. Which Manchester United player is it? Now
think about this carefully, Paddy, it's worth £125,000.
You're only three questions away from one million pounds."
Paddy: "I think I know who it is... er, but I'm not 100% sure... no
I'm sure it's Beckham, I'm sure it's Beckham... Can I phone a
friend, Chris, just to be sure?"
Chris: "Yes Paddy, who do you want to phone?"
Paddy: "I'll phone Murphy."
(ringing)
Murphy: "Hullo?"
Chris: "Hello Murphy, it's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a
Millionaire. I have Paddy O'Reilly here and he's doing really
well on £64,000 but needs your help to get to £125,000. This
is a visual question, we're faxing you the photo now. Have
you received it?"
Murphy: "Yes, Chris."
Chris: "The next voice you hear will be Paddy's. He'll explain the
question and you'll have 30 seconds to answer. Fire away
Paddy."
Paddy: "Hullo there, Murphy."
Murphy: "Hullo, Paddy."
Paddy: "Murphy, that photo is a baby picture of which current Man
United player. I'm sure it's Beckham, what do you think?"
Murphy: "It's never Beckham, it's obviously Smichael."
Paddy: "You think so, Murphy?"
Murphy: "I'm sure."
Paddy: "Thanks, Murphy."
(hangs up)
Chris: "Well, a difference of opinion there. Do you want to stick on
£64,000 or play on for £125,000, Paddy?"
Paddy: "I want to play, I'm so sure it's Beckham I'm going to go with
me first answer: Beckham."
Chris: "You're saying Beckham?"
Paddy: "I am."
Chris: "Are you confident?"
Paddy: "Yes... Fairly..."
Chris: "You have £64,000 and you saying Beckham. If you're right you
go up to £125,000 and if you're wrong you walk away with
£32,000. Is Beckham your final answer?"
Paddy: "It is, Chris."
Chris: "Paddy............ I'm afraid it was wrong, sorry Paddy. Here
is your cheque for £32,000. You've been a great contestant
and a real gambler. Audience, please put your hands together
for Paddy!"
(applause...)
Paddy: "Before I go Chris, what was the correct answer? It's killing
me."
Chris: "Andy Cole."
im sorry might be me, but i dont get that joke at all. if its even suppose to be a joke....
wtf man? funny stuff next time
Posted by nicv27
[
im sorry might be me, but i dont get that joke at all. if its even suppose to be a joke....
wtf man? funny stuff next time
Do you know who the Man united players mentioned are? David Beckham is White english, Peter schmeichel is white and from denmark(i believe) Andy cole is Black english.
It is a play on the much used theory in jokes that irish people are stupid(not a theory i subscribe to)
Just because you dont think it`s not funny wtf doesnt mean it isnt
Posted by jcwhite_uk
I didnt get it either until you explained. Dont know much about football and never heard of Andy Cole before.
Posted by vladn02
sorry mate, but universal jokes needed lol if i knew the manchaster united team maybe it would have made sense to me. thanks anyways
Posted by Lo-couk
One day I met a sweet gentleman and
fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up baked beans.
Some months later, on my birthday,
my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the
countryside I called my husband and told him that would be late because I had to
walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans
was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk
off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the
diner and before I knew it, I had consumedthree large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the
gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed
excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a
surprise for dinner tonight!"
He then blindfolded me and led me to
my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to
remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the
blindfold until he returned and went to
answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were
still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while
my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight
to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my
napkin from lap and waved it around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I
ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to
the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few
minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone
farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it
feeling very relieved and pleased withmyself.
My face must have been the picture
of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He
asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the
blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy
Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by OffLineR
@Lo-couk
My mobile phone rang just before I read the last paragraph. I was ready for the end then I had the chance for a pause. After I hang up the phone I read the end.
You should see me how I die with laughter. LOL
Thanks for the great joke. Now I have a great smile on my face
Posted by KCC4
There are some black men in a car. Who's driving?
The policeman.
Posted by govigov
@loco-uk.... good one....
Posted by arien617
A man walks into a bar...
Ouch.
Posted by deluded
Here are some funny ones I got in my email, enjoy!
Posted by goldenface
Why men lie
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river,
his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all
three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is
a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You
would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to
her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would
have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share
me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!
That's our story, and we're sticking to it..
Posted by deluded
@goldenface, good one!
Posted by KingBooker5
amen to that!
Posted by KingBooker5
This is preety childish but some made me laugh!
Yo mama is so fat ...
she has to use a king size mattress as a tampon!
she stood on the scales and it said one at a time.
she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
she was walking to Wal-Mart, stumbled over K-Mart, and landed right on Target!
when she puts on a yellow raincoat people shout TAXI!
if she fell into the ocean, the whales would start singing, "We are family"!
she thought that the titanic was a jetski!
if she stood on high heels she'd strike oil.
she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy.
NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer.
she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm.
when she went to the Zoo, Elephants began throwing peanuts at her.
when she farted she launched herself into orbit.
she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her...behind Mount Everest.
she could be the eighth continent.
the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.
she wears an 'X' jacket and helicopters attempt to land on her.
she shows up on radar.
she needs a map to find her butt.
stunt agencies use her as an air mattress.
she got a new gig at the Cinema...she works as the screen
Posted by Muhammad-Oli
Why was Piglet in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
Posted by Lo-couk
This made me laugh...
Posted by deluded
Posted by Lo-couk
Teacher asks little Johnny why he didn't attend school yesterday
"Oh it was awful miss, Daddy got burned"
"Ooh not too bad I hope?" said teacher
"Well they don't f**k about at the crematorium miss"
Posted by Lo-couk
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "you won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."
His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blow job?"
"No, I never found her head."
Posted by Dogmann
Why big Dogs are better than Women!!
The later you are the more excited a dog is to see you.
Dogs never have to examine the relationship.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs never refuse to play with you just because your Drunk.
Dogs are always grateful when you take them out.
No dog has ever asked Do these pants make me look fat?
Marc
_________________
Nokia N95 8GB, SU-8W, Fring, Vox, Shure EC2g
Nokia E61, 2gb Sandisk, For sale
Honoured to have won BEST DEBATER
[ This Message was edited by: Dogmann on 2007-11-17 22:30 ]
Posted by paul101
*conversation with g/f*
g/f: have you been having sex behind my back again
me: who the ffff you think it was!!
Posted by goldenface
Ms Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was HANGED for HORSE STEALING and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the Gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:
"Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the 'Montana Flyer' six times, caught by Pinkerton Detectives, convicted and hanged in1889.
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments.
Hillary's staff of Professional Image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana rail road. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the rail road.
In 1887,he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
And THAT is how it's done!
---------------------------------------------
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...
"Having sex!. They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2007-11-20 14:30 ]
Posted by goldenface
A woman in a pub goes up to the bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the barman gives her one.
Posted by goldenface
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, "it's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it, it's an asshole!"
Posted by himlims_nl
On 2007-11-20 00:15:37, paul101 wrote:
*conversation with g/f*
g/f: have you been having sex behind my back again
me: who the ffff you think it was!!
don't get it
Posted by sailaab
On 2007-10-07 11:25:27, Cycovision wrote:
It's about the only joke I know that isn't sexist, ageist, racist, dirty or likely to upset certain religions
so is this¿?
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
“Al, what do you believe in?”
Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”
God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left,”
God then addresses Bill Clinton. “Bill, what do you believe in?”
Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.”
God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”
God then addresses Bill Gates. “Bill Gates, what do you believe?”
Bill Gates said, “I believe you’re in my chair.”
Posted by Lo-couk
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f***k is that on the balcony with Dave?"
Posted by Danny_BFC
LMFAO
Posted by deluded
Good ones! Keep them coming!
Posted by OffLineR
LMAO great one mate
.
Posted by paul101
what begins with F and ends with UCK ??
....
....
FIRETRUCK!! not my first thought!
Posted by OffLineR
@paul101
What about this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pj2Nutu5v8
Posted by KingBooker5
Dont take this offensive
Why are afghan areoplane sessions so easy?
You only learn how to take off.
Posted by KingBooker5
There are 4 fags who enter a bar and theres only one stool left. How do they sit down? They turn it upside down
What did the gay sperm say to the other gay sperm? How we supposed to find an egg with all this sh*t up here!?
Posted by Lo-couk
Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
and MOST important....
4. It is important that these three women never meet
Posted by Lo-couk
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
"Hello and thank you for calling Sunny Days Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:"
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
Posted by sailaab
A boy had coloured his hair RED, BLUE AND GREEN..
An old man was staring at him..
Boy said- What are u staring at u oldie??? Never done anything WILD???
.
.
Old man- YEAH f**kED A PEACOCK ONCE.. WONDERING IF U R MY SON..... !!!
Posted by goldenface
Dog Letters to God
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
- I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
- I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
- The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet
- I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
- The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?
Posted by sailaab
Cough it up or Loose it
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady... "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no" says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."
Posted by methylated_spirit
Why does Edward Woodward have so many D's in his name? If he didn't he'd be Ewar Woowar.
Posted by paul101
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys
at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Posted by himlims_nl
lol
hahah
finaly a good laugh at this despressing day
Posted by Cycovision
News just in:
The government has revealed the results of a poll today asking the British public if they thought that immigration levels were too high.
14% said 'Yes'
20% said 'no'
66% said 'JA nie poznaję ale być może'
Posted by KingBooker5
On 2007-12-11 13:39:42, Cycovision wrote:
News just in:
The government has revealed the results of a poll today asking the British public if they thought that immigration levels were too high.
14% said 'Yes'
20% said 'no'
66% said 'JA nie poznaję ale być może'
Posted by KingBooker5
Story about Getting Even..........
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her, so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other, and constantly 'snip' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more, and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
Posted by KingBooker5
I want to live my next life backwards :
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
Posted by jcwhite_uk
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.