Posted by Chartreuse Eyes
A miser entered a restaurant and ordered for curry worth half a dollar, A waiter brought him the curry. When the miser began to eat, he saw that a fly way floating in the curry. He angrily shouted at the waiter, "YOU brought the curry with fly!" The waiter answered, "then do you want a goat or sheep for half a dollar?"
Posted by goldenface
Thats silly
LMAO
Posted by KingBooker5
Jack walks down town. He wants to purchase a sniper rifle with scope.
He talks to the guy and he shows him the rifle.
Jack: So how powerfull is this thing?
Guy: Well, I only have 2 bullets, look through the scope, tell me what to shoot, then you'l judge the fire power.
Jack passes him the 2 bullets. The guy loads the sniper, then Jack looks through the scope. There is a huge hotel in the distance, Jack is shocked, through the window he sees his wife and an unknown man having sex.
Jack passes the sniper to the guy.
Jack: That bastard is having sex with my wife! Use both those bullets. Use one to blow her nice head of, and use the other to blow that guys dick of.
The guy looks through the scope, and passes one of the bullets back to Jack.
Guy: Looks like il only need to use one bullet now!
Posted by goldenface
LMAO Thats sick!
Posted by solja786
@KingBooker5
LMAO..dats good ...its damn good
Posted by Chartreuse Eyes
A guy was praying passionately, 'oh my God! Turn me into a lizard.'
A man asked 'why do you pray so?' He answered, 'My wife dreads lizards.'
Posted by Danny_BFC
Old Chinese Proverbs.
Man who copy and paste not too funny.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok..
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Stand on toilet, get high on pot.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door..
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
He who eats to many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who eat prunes get good run for money.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.
"A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain." .
"You never test the depth of a river with both feet."
"Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand."
"The believer is happy. The doubter is wise."
It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.
Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it.
There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
A man who thinks too much about his ancestors is like a potato—the best part of him is underground.
A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart.
A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey.
He who never made a mistake never made a discovery.
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom
Posted by KingBooker5
Some people may find this joke very offencive.
A black man complains to the BBC that black people are not getting enough time on TV. The chairman of the BBC says that they will put on more crimewatch to answer his question.
Next month the black guy complains again to the BBC about the absence of blacks on TV. The man tells him that they will talk to the guys at Bravo to put on more street crime UK.
The black man returns again to say that blacks arnt getting enough TV time, in which the chairman replies, "For f*cks sake man! Its not our fault comic relief is only on once a year!"
[ This Message was edited by: KingBooker5 on 2007-09-12 20:19 ]
Posted by Lo-couk
What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A Golden Retriever
Posted by masseur
Posted by goldenface
This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.
Posted by Chartreuse Eyes
@golden face it reminds of local DAHDA's (kind of cafe shop/resturant) in pakistan
Posted by goldenface
Tony Blair and David Cameron find themselves at the same hairdressers.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "Noooo thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel.
"The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr. Cameron?
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
Posted by goldenface
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
_________________
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after he had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much," she explained. "I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2007-09-25 13:58 ]
Posted by KingBooker5
Michael Jackson and Debbie were in the maternity ward just after Debbie gave birth to their first child.
Michael asked her “How long do you think it will be before we can have sex?”
Debbie replied, “Jeez Michael, give it a chance to walk first!”
_________________________________________
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, “Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?”
The nurse explains, “The hot chocolate will help him sleep.”
The man says, “And the Viagra?”
“Keeps him from falling out of bed.”
___________________________________________
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?”
The man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead, seven to nothing.”
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, “What was that?”
She replies, “Touchdown, tie score.”
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work another one up. He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.
The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?” He replies, “Half time. Switch sides.”
_______________________________________
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
“Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go, Dave.”
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
“Dave… Dave… Dave, you sick bastard. You’re a vet.”
_________________________________________
A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner. This situation has her rather depressed due to her long history of failed relationships. After much debate she decides that the best thing to do is to take out a personal ad in the paper:Wanted: A good lover to be my friend; who won’t beat me and won’t run out on me.
After a week or so no one has responded to the ad. She is feeling particularly depressed when the door bell rings.
She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch. Quite surprised at the sight she asks him what he wants.
He replies, “I’m responding to your ad for a good lover.”
“How can that be? You have no arms and no legs!”
“I have no arms so I can’t beat you and I have no legs so I can’t run out on you!” he said.
“What about being a good lover?” she asked.
He responded, “I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”
________________________________________
Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”
The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.”
____________________________________
____________________________________________
Parenting can be difficult, especially in a religious family. That’s why we at F&J is passing along this list so that you can identify when your Amish teenager is getting into trouble.
Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.
In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
Shows up at barn raisings in full “KISS” makeup.
He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.
His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”
Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.”
You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
Uses slang expression, “Talk to the hand, ’cause the beard ain’t listening.”
Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh.”
[ This Message was edited by: KingBooker5 on 2007-09-26 17:13 ]
Posted by KingBooker5
A little kid asks his father, “Daddy, is God a man or a woman?”
“Both son. God is both.”
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, “Daddy, is God black or white?”
“Both son, both.”
“Daddy, does God love children?”
“Yes son, he loves all children.”
The child returns a few minutes later and says, “Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?”
__________________________________________________
Posted by AbuBasim
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says:
"-Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin"
"-I know," she replies. "-I'm gonna get tits too"
Posted by benitorios
3 guys, a French, an Italian and a German are attending an English crash course.
Teacher : OK now, each of you will have to tell a short story including these 3 words : green, yellow and pink. Go ahead!
The German goes first, in a heavily accented English:
"Today I aite a pink sausach, wid yellow potatoh's and green beans"
Teacher: Great, now you Paolo:
The Italian:
"I woke up zis morninge, and I see ze beautifule yellow sun-eh, the green grass-eh, and i think oh what a pinke life-eh !"
Teacher: Excellent and now it's your turn François:
The French :
"I am in my rrroom, i hear ze phone ring : GREEN GREEN GREEN. Zen, I pink it up and I say : Yellowww???
Posted by vladn02
This is a really cute story:
The next time you see a little old lady with
shaky hands, you'll remember this story:
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly
enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet,
she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving
at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales
clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhavedddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do
have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu
caarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo
inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?
The clerk responds, "Yes
we do."
She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww
tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"
Posted by KingBooker5
great one mate!
Posted by Cycovision
I should be shot for this one...
Once, there were four potatoes: Daddy tater and his three daughter taters. One day daddy tater says to his daughters 'I'm sorry girls but I'm getting too old to work now so you'll all have to go out and a marry a nice young tater because I can't afford to keep you any more.'
The three girls agree and that night, they go off to the tater ball. When they return, Daddy tater asks them how they got on.
"I met a King Edward tater and we're getting married next week." says his first daughter. "Ooooh, Very classy! Well done!" says Daddy tater.
"I'm going to marry a Jersey Royal in a few days time" says his second daughter. "Wow! What a result!" says Daddy tater.
"I met Jimmy Hill and he asked me to marry him and I said yes." said the third daughter proudly.
"Jimmy Hill? JIMMY HILL?" exclaims daddy tater. "But he's a common tater!"
Posted by solja786
@cyco
ur rite ...u should b shot for dat one...lemme do the honours
Posted by goldenface
@Cyco
LMAO
Posted by Danny_BFC
Cyco why are the most pathetic jokes so funny !
That was quality standard beefy that one mate!
Posted by goldenface
Some jokes are so funny just because they are so lame, but are jokes all the same.
Posted by $herry
That's a rhyme goldenface.
Its just that some jokes are so pathetic, you laugh in sympathy. Consider this:
We have this idiot of a friend. One day we saw him laughing like hell in the class. Shaking like a twig in a storm. When we asked him why he was laughing, he said, "the ice cream truck just went by, sounding its music. It was sooooo funny! " for a moment we were like
and then we all burst out laughing. Pathetic bastard 
Posted by Cycovision
It's about the only joke I know that isn't sexist, ageist, racist, dirty or likely to upset certain religions
Posted by goldenface
On 2007-10-07 07:27:00, $herry wrote:
That's a rhyme goldenface.
Its just that some jokes are so pathetic, you laugh in sympathy. Consider this:
We have this idiot of a friend. One day we saw him laughing like hell in the class. Shaking like a twig in a storm. When we asked him why he was laughing, he said, "the ice cream truck just went by, sounding its music. It was sooooo funny! " for a moment we were like
and then we all burst out laughing. Pathetic bastard
Thats true. Sometimes you have to laugh or you'll cry. Some funny notices from around the world:
I found myself on a ferry to La Gomera in the Canaries, reading: "Keep this ticket up the end of your trip".
The sign in front of construction works at a Bolivian airport: "Sorry for the bother."
Another remembered a sign on a broken turnstile at Salzburg passport control: "Out of work."
Airline brochure promises: "Wide boiled aircraft for your comfort"?
Why worry that the hotel room is tiny - just enjoy the sign that says: "All rooms not denounced by twelve o'clock will be paid for twicely."
Hard to get too upset by a delayed train whose toilet warns: "Do not be occupying while stabilizing."
The book, Lost In Translation, featured in the Daily Telegraph last year. Readers reported hotels in Krakow ("Evacuate yourself with the staircase"), cable cars in China ("Smoking, hubbub, spit are forbidden"), tavernas in Kos ("Kiss Lorraine" and "Chessburger").
Menus are a constant favourite, with restaurants, eager for business, working hard - too hard - on their descriptions: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
Remembering - as we must - that the rest of the world is far better at English than we are at Japanese or Thai or Mandarin, it nevertheless seems hard not to laugh when your hotel in Greece promises: "Tonight dinner will be served in the swimming pool." Below are some more highlights.
In front of construction works at Bolivian airport: Sorry for the bother
Above basin in toilet on train, China: Don't throw things in the pond
Sign on windy road in the Himalayas: Be mild on my curves
Small hotel, Cornwall: Will any guest wishing to take a bath please make arrangements to have one with Mrs Harvey
Munich, Germany: In your room you will find a minibar which is filled with alcoholics
At a wadi in Oman: Drowning accidents are now popular
Czech Republic: We like 2 please our customers but if u r unhappy please see the manager who will give u total satisfaction
In Japanese national park containing monkeys: You had better deposit your baggage into the charge free lockers or it will be ours. But we are not interested in your camera. We do not like to be stared at our eyes. If you do so, we are not responsible for what will happen. We do not hope to be such a monkey. Please, refrain from feeding us
Toledo, Spain: Frozen ice available here
Dydo coffee, Japan: There's a gallon of deliciousness in every drop
Notice on a door in Sana'a, Yemen: Physio the rapist
Sign outside cottage hospital, Caribbean: Dont (sic) park here, hearse calls daily
"Emergency exit" sign at Beijing Airport: Do no use in peacetime
On snack handed out on China Southern Airways: Airline Pulp
In Japanese car park: Please get a punch at window No 2
Restaurant, France: Fish soup with rust and croutons
Restaurant, France: A confection of plugs and geysers
Restaurant, Switzerland: Half a lawyer with prawns
Restaurant, Yaroslav, Russia: Lorry driver soup
Restaurant, Kos: Kiss Lorraine
Restaurant, China: Dumpling stuffed with the ovary and digestive glands of a crab
Hotel in Canary Islands: Great entertainment - live paella
Hotel, Lake Garda, Italy, offering early evening aperitifs: Martini & nipples
On website of a French hotel, restaurant specialities include: The Salmon Smoked House; The Ham of Stage coach House; The Sausage of Ass House; Spotted frog thighs; The flap with shallot; The nice one of pig green pepper
Sign next to Shanghai swimming pool: Bottom of pond very hard and not far from top of water
Budapest: Forbidden to hang out of hotel window. Person which do so will be charge for clean up mess on footpath
Guide to Buenos Aires: Several of the local beaches are very copular in the summer
Sign on Spanish beach: Beach of irregular bottoms
Sign in Japanese park: Keep Japan green don't burn the fire chief
Sign at the Ethnic Minorities Park, Beijing: Racist Park
Tourism brochure trying to say "Jerusalem - there's no city like it!": Jerusalem - there's no such city!
Japanese sign: Don't protrude the tartness and keenness out the staircase
Sign for disabled toilet, China: Deformed man toilet
On an oil tanker in India: Edible. Oil tanker!
Road sign, New Mexico: Gusty winds may exist
Sign in Prague hotel: Water is officially drinkable (but not for sucklings), but we don't recommend to drink it
Hotel brochure, Copenhagen: In fire, the bells rings three times. There is a fine escape on each floor. For other amusements see page 3.
Posted by goldenface
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here
soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good!? I've made a speciality of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.? People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.? Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Posted by goldenface
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'
Posted by goldenface
Giving Up Wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting.
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
Posted by goldenface
Quiz show answers:
QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.
DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival
every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question.
In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for
'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
with you.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the
Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two
roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?
GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.
QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?
MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?
SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED
and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?
THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes
the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ...er
... three?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter:
solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.
RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek
goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico?
DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which
sea:a)Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque
now,Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.
BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80
tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm . . .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
Posted by goldenface
A couple have been happily married for several years. One day, after reading a book entitled "You CAN be the man of YOUR house" the husband storms into the kitchen and confronted his wife.
He annouced, "I am the MAN of this house and my word is LAW. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, followed by a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, we will go upstairs and have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you will draw me a bath so I can relax. Whilst I am in the bath, you will wash my hair, scrub my back then bring me a warmed towel so you can towel me dry. Then you will massage my hands and feet.
Tomorrow, guess who's going to comb my hair and dress me?"
The wife, complete with raised eyebrow replied, "The f***ing funeral director would be my first guess!"
Posted by KingBooker5
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
__________________________________
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
______________________________________
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
(lol really liked that one when I heard it)
________________________________
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "f**k him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
____________________________________
Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
__________________________________
You've been programming too long when
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
___________________________________________
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
_____________________________________________
It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.
As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.
Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"
-_________________________________
Posted by Lo-couk
I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
Then he was chuffed to bits.
Posted by Lo-couk
_________________
I've never laughed so much since grandad caught his foreskin under the sander...
[ This Message was edited by: Lo-couk on 2007-10-13 14:56 ]
[ This Message was edited by: Lo-couk on 2007-10-13 15:19 ]
Posted by KingBooker5
Some might find this one offencive
______________________________________
I was feeling a bit down earlier, so I phoned the Samartians. f**k me, I got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was feeling suicidal, they got all excited and asked me if I new how to fly a plane.
Posted by Lo-couk
Two irishmen are walking down a road when one of them sees a mirror.
"I'm sure I recognise him somewhere" he said, looking at his own reflection.
The other irishman pushes him out of the way and look at the mirror and says
"You fekking retard, it's me!"
Posted by Lo-couk
I saw six men carrying a coffin around the cemetary. An hour later they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetary. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.
Posted by Lo-couk
Posted by sailaab
@king ~ u r right.. that IS offensive :-x !! :-(
This message was posted from a P910i
Posted by sailaab
wicked.. but had me in splits;)
A Penguin
A guy is walking down the street, and he’s really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.
So by this time, he’s really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says “Look, I only have five dollars. I’m really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!”
The guy there says, “OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin.”
“What’s a penguin?”
“You’ll see!!!”
So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his “penguin.” Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he’s about to loose his load, she stops and walks away.
Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting, “HEY! WHAT’S A PENGUIN?!?”
Posted by Lo-couk
An Irishman, Aussie and a Scouser are in a bar and spot Jesus drinking on his own.
They each send him a drink over and he sips each one slowly.
When he's finished he walks over to the Irishman and shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guiness. "f**k me, my arthritis has gone!"
Jesus then thanks the Aussie for the Fosters. "nice hell mate, my bad back's cured!"
Jesus approaches the Scouser who runs away screaming, "f**k off, you cool - I'm on disability benefit".
Posted by goldenface
Here is the news:
An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realised what had happened.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by Lo-couk
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that chocolate isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own ******* business!!"
_________________
I've never laughed so much since grandad caught his foreskin under the sander...
[ This Message was edited by: Lo-couk on 2007-10-16 18:51 ]
Posted by goldenface
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
___________________________________________________________
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left, but five dollars and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home.
So, he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and barely made it in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas, and this time he was a big winner. Later, feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport.
Who should he see at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make this guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much to give me a blow job on the way?"
"What? Get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and a thumbs up to each driver.
Ahhhhh, sweet revenge.
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2007-10-17 14:51 ]
Posted by KingBooker5
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
__________________________________
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 called the White House with this reply, "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
__________________________
Attorneys
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
______________________________________
Rules from men to women:
Men are NOT mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday sports . It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
If you won’t dress like the Victoria ’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Rules from men to men:
1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
11. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
12. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
13. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
14. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
15. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
16. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
If you're a guy: You will laugh a little and realize how true this is!
If you're a woman: Laugh and roll your eyes at our stupidity!
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Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button... Va-voom." The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."
At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pyjamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. "Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse." "Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."
The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed. "What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices." "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was Her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'." Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.
Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were Scratches all over his chest, arms and legs. "My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?" The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."
Posted by humphreybc
My love for you is like diarrhea.
...
I just can't keep it in.
Posted by OffLineR
@KingBooker5
Thanks for the jokes.
LMAO
Posted by vladn02
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running
her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, I need for you to give him a message," she continued running her forefinger across the bartender's lipsand slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."