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Posted by se_p800
another man walks in for the interview, and the interviewer says to the man "can you give me a sentence with "officiate" in?"

The man thinks for a but, and they says "A man got sick, because of a fish he ate!"


Posted by mosdelln
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm them up."
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and the
boyfriend said "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl said "Put them between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm
them up".
So he did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter.
He said "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will
warm it up."
So he did and his nose began to get warm.
He lifted his head up from between the girls legs and said "Do you know
what? I think my penis is frozen solid"
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother,
and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "Well they make one hell of a mess when they
defrost, don't they?"

Posted by mosdelln
SOCIALISM: You have two cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
THATCHERISM : You have two cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have two cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh*t out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two sheep. The one on the left looks very attractive.

Posted by goldenface
Very good - especially the Amish one.

Posted by mosdelln
If i get anymore i will post more

Posted by goldenface
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico city and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Mexican is stunned. The genie says "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want"

The Mexican begins thinking, well, I really like drinking tequila.
Finally he says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me wee tequila"

The genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass and wees in it.
He looks at the glass and its clear, it looks like tequila. then smells the liquid, it smells like tequila.

So he tastes it , it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.

He tells her to drink it, Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.

It is the best tequila she has ever tasted, the two drinks and party all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses from the cupboard, he fills both glasses the result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila" his wife gets the glass and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass, and when he fills it his wife asks him "But,
Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises his glass and says "BECAUSE TONIGHT YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE"

Posted by goldenface
The Spoon . . .
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water and utensils I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


Posted by leeboy13
@goldenface - great joke there dude!!!!

Posted by goldenface
On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not," he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said! the Queen. "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?"

"Yes," said Bush. "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting o! f the W hite House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion, and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer.

So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.

As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State, Colin Powell, approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Powell. "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove. "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush. "The child was Tony Blair!"



Posted by goldenface
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

(see each breed's answers below)

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Keep going down


How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

Posted by goldenface
I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that this will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father! "

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

Posted by goldenface
With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with
respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her travelling on special occasions."

The minister inquired "trips to where"?

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go back and get her."

Posted by goldenface
An excited man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge

fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say, "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."


Posted by goldenface
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the wife keeps staring at a drunken guy swigging his drink as he sits alone at a nearby table.

The husband asks, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's an ex-boyfriend. I heard he took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I heard he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the husband, "Who would think that he could go on celebrating that long?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man walks onto the stage of the English TV show "Stars in their
Eyes", on Crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. The
compare Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you
to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what
happened?'

'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when
we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright
but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours. Before I was
eventually cut free. the doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they
couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they Artificial?' asks Matthew.

No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my
uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the
advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his
body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been
having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again
by the end of the year.

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Matthew responds with that's an unbelievable story". So tonight, who are you going to be?'

'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be " Simon and Halfuncle "

Posted by goldenface
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.

'E can clearly see my little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put thee American in 'is
place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.


Posted by KingBooker5
Some audiance may find the following joke offensive

If your British, your gonna love this one!

There are 3 men on a train.
An English man,
An American man,
An Indian man,

The train is very hot, so they decide to wind down the window.

The American, gets out some money and throws it out the window.
The English and Indian men, are quite confused.
"Why did you do that?" they said?
"Well, we have so much money in America, I feal like getting rid of some of it"

The Indian man, gets out a bag of rice, and chucks it out the window.
"Why did you throw out the rice"? The westerners said
"Well we have so much rice in India, im going to get rid of some"

The English man looks out the window, and chucks out the Indian!

Posted by TCM
A navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the navy man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between army and navy is well known, so needles to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the navy man changed heart and said, "Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."

The army man agreed this was a good idea. So the navy man offered, "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck"

The army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the navy man, being a gentleman, offered the army man the first drink, and told the army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the navy man who said, "thanks, but I'll wait till the cops get here".

Posted by jcwhite_uk

On 2007-08-02 12:43:31, TCM wrote:
A navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the navy man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between army and navy is well known, so needles to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the navy man changed heart and said, "Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."

The army man agreed this was a good idea. So the navy man offered, "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck"

The army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the navy man, being a gentleman, offered the army man the first drink, and told the army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the navy man who said, "thanks, but I'll wait till the cops get here".


I have heard that joke several times lately but always with different people.

Posted by $herry
Yeah..been posted as young man and old man as few days back...

@goldenface: great work bro!

Posted by goldenface
Thanks $herry mate, glad you liked them

Posted by $herry
Who wouldnt? they were great

Posted by paul101
no offence here

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there’s a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish… but if you lie - POOF! - it swallows you up for eternity.

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde walk into that very bar - with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” POOF! - the mirror swallows her up and she’s gone for eternity.

The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” POOF - now she’s gone too.

Lastly, the blonde goes up to the mirror says ” I think……..” - POOF!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny’s teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, “I have something behind my back. It’s red in color and round. It’s soft, but it’s hard.”

Johnny raised his hand and said, “I know, it’s a red rubber ball.” The teacher said, “No Johnny, it’s an apple, but I like the way that you think.”

The teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. “I have something behind my back. It’s orange in color and round. It’s soft, but it’s hard,” said Johnny’s teacher.

Johnny raised his hand again and said, “Teacher teacher, I know, it’s an orange rubber ball.” The teacher looked at Johnny and said, “No Johnny, it’s an orange, but I like the way that you think.”

Johnny was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnny grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, “I have something behind my back. It’s pink in color and it’s loooong. It’s soft, but it’s haaaard.”

The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnny, “Now Johnny, I’m going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior.” Johnny stopped her and said, “But, teacher, all I have is my pink eraser - but I like the way you think!”




_________________
don't click here
Are you mad at me? If not, press Alt+F4
i've got a photographic memory - it's too bad i dont have any film
it's not enough to succeed, others must fail

[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-08-02 20:38 ]

Posted by se_p800
lmao thats is one of the funniest blond jokes ive heard.

I have joke to make yes.

knock knock

Who is there?

HAHA

HAHA who?

HU HE HAHA


Its not funny at all but my cousin finds it hilarious for some reason. Tell me if anyone else does!

Posted by Cycovision
Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

-------------------

Why are Chavs like Slinkies?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

-------------------

A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the Scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the life out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientèle stood silent and motionless.

Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:

Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"

Scouser: "Dunno, but it was something about a 'job'"

------------------------

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean a ginger kid, with two friends?

------------------------

A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied.
The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!"
The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for."
"Mint! - but I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."



Posted by msmmsm
Three pregnant woman are each knitting a jumper for their unborn child, the first woman says" I hope I have a wee boy as i'm using blue wool", the second turns and says"I'm using pink wool so I would like a wee girl", the thrid woman turn and says" I want mine to be a spastic as iv'e f**ked up the arms"

Posted by KingBooker5
Why are black men so tall?

Because there knee grows


Posted by msmmsm
Will be offensive to a lot of people

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He seen the size of his gas bill!



[ This Message was edited by: msmmsm on 2007-08-03 15:01 ]

Posted by TCM
Pinocio comes to the doctor and tells him he has a problem, every time he has sex with his girlfriend she has splinters. The doctor says:" maybe it would be usefull to use sandpaper first" Pinocio thinks about it and he will try this.
A few weeks later the doctor meets Pinocio in the supermarket. The doctor asks him if everythings allright with the girlfriend. Pinocio answers:" Girlfriend? Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper".

Posted by yes_futur
Please i want fun jokers in french languge beaucose i dnt understaned english wel

This message was posted from a myV-55

Posted by goldenface
A Welshman, an Englishman and an Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running, they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside, they each hid in an old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'

"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'

"Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack, he said... ''Potatoes!''

Posted by goldenface
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling
alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!!
My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said,

"Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

Posted by goldenface
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical
exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the
doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no
problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of my people in my tribe have nipples, " she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied

We're called The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred

Posted by $herry
LMAO!

Great ones goldenface!

Posted by Evil Eye
Interviewer: what's your qualification?
Dumbo : Sir, I am Ph.d.
Interviewer : what do you mean by Ph.d?
Dumbo: (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....

A Dumbo for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the
exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father
in the essay and it read:
AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF
FATHERS,
SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.


2 dumbos while driving a Car, one puts on the side indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says
YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...




_________________
My K-JAM thread(with loads of pics)
Proud owner of i-mate K-JAM & K550i

[ This Message was edited by: EviL EyE on 2007-08-14 11:14 ]

Posted by sailaab
http://www.esato.com/news/article.php/id=1756

i wish it were a joke.. these happenings aren't..
just goes to show how big corporations (and countries) can evade responsibility and cheat people..

recently a quiet a few explosions of Nokia's (batteries) made for good coverage on news channels and the recall.

and here is a quote extract from their (Nokia's) previous stand (as early as 2003).. makes us wonder if they were just shrugging off responsibility and those were intentional lies.. borne out of the need for higher profit motives by sourcing cheapest vendors..
http://news.zdnet.co.uk/hardware/0,1000000091,39117035,00.htm
Nokia on Thursday pointed the finger at counterfeit batteries after another of its phones exploded and burned its user, the third such case in two months, and said that original batteries sold with its phones were safe.

yeah rite.. they were ALWAYS safe.. then why this-> http://www.nokia.com/batteryreplacement/

Hopefully, some people who blindly follow Blokia will be better aware

Posted by goldenface
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines, one line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the Head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Posted by Danny_BFC

On 2007-08-09 16:02:29, goldenface wrote:
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling
alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!!
My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said,

"Come on guys, we're almost there!!"



Nice soccer am joke lol.

I'm here all week

Posted by goldenface
Glasgow Rangers manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland.

Two weeks later the 'Gers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

" Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!"

Posted by Chartreuse Eyes
An old singer turned up to the stage. As he started singing, his artifical teeth fell down. Hastily, he fitted into the mouth but as he began singing these fell down again.
When this process went on for a number of times, a person said angrily,' Would you sing something or go on changing the Cds'

Posted by paul101
*conversation to g/f*

when i said i was positive, i meant HIV+

Posted by $herry



Posted by $herry

On 2002-06-05 14:01:00, john74 wrote:
Subject: The Princess
>>
>>
>> >
>> > Once upon a time there lived a king.
>> > The king had a beautiful daughter,
>> > the princess.
>> >
>> > But there was a problem.
>> > Everything the princess touched would melt.
>> > No matter what;
>> > metal,
>> > wood,
>> > stone,
>> > anything she touched would melt.
>> > Because of this, men were afraid of her.
>> > Nobody would dare marry her.
>> > The king despaired.
>> > What could he do to help his daughter?
>> > He consulted his wizards and magicians.
>> > One wizard told the king,
>> > "If your daughter touches one thing
>> > that does not melt in her hands,
>> > she will be cured."
>> >
>> >
>> > The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
>> >
>> > The next day,
>> > he held a competition.
>> > Any man that could bring his daughter an
>> > object that would not melt would marry her
>> > and inherit the king's wealth.
>> > Three young princes took up the challenge.
>> >
>> > The first prince brought a sword of the finest
>>steel.
>> >
>> > But alas,
>> > once the princess touched it,
>> > it melted.
>> > The prince went away sadly.
>> >
>> > The second prince brought diamonds.
>> >
>> > He thought diamonds are the hardest substance
>> > in the world and would not melt.
>> > But alas,
>> > once the princess touched them,
>> > they melted.
>> > He too was sent away disappointed.
>> >
>> > The third prince approached.
>> > He told the princess,
>> > "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what
>> > is in there."
>> > The princess did as she was told,
>> > though she turned red.
>> >
>> > She felt something hard.
>> > She held it in her hand.
>> >
>> > And it did not melt!!!
>> >
>> > The king was overjoyed.
>> > Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
>> > And the third prince married the princess
>> > and they both lived happily ever after.
>> >
>> > Question:
>> >
>> > What was in the prince's pants?
>> >
>> > (Scroll down for the answer)
>> >
>> > V
>> >
>> > V
>> >
>> > V
>> >
>> > V
>> >
>> > V
>> >
>> > V
>> > M&M's of course.
>> > They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
>> > [IMAGE]
>> > What were you thinking you pervert?



Just came across this joke and remembered the Nokia N95 advert...was it the same prince in the advert who says, "there's a thing in my pocket, but its not a THING" ?

Posted by chili
Melted in her mouth eh... she swallow?

Posted by KingBooker5
George Bush is sitting in his office, when his advisor knocks on the door.

GB: Come in!
Advisor: Mr Presedent Im sorry but I have some unfortunate news
GB: May God have mercy on us all, what is it?
Advisor: Brazilians have died in Iraq

Bush is lost for words. He leaps on the floor. "OH MY GOD!!" "WHY OH WHY, GOD WHY DID THIS HAPPEN!!??"

advisor: Calm down mr president, its only a few Brazilians.
GB: wait a minute.. how much is a Brazilian?

Posted by KingBooker5
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

" Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until! you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."




Posted by KingBooker5
The Half-Wit

There was an old cowhand who owned a small ranch in Montana .

The Montana Wage &Hour Dept. Claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.


Posted by KingBooker5
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!




Posted by KingBooker5
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!



Posted by KingBooker5
WW III

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"


Posted by KingBooker5
Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the Newfie replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup' replied the Newfie.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch' the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'





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