Posted by Tiny
Dunno if this has been posted, but not reading through 117 pages
A white man lives peacefully with a tribe in the rainforest for 30 years. During his 30th year the Chief of the tribe comes to talk to him. He says,
"Because you have been a member of our tribe for so long, we are giving you a warning. A baby has been born which is white and you are the only white person within this village. Therefore it is logical that you are the father of the baby. Our law dictates that we are to kill you because of this, but we will grant you half a day to leave before we come after you."
The man thinks on this a minute and then says,
"Chief, miracles happen everyday and all over the place. Look over there at those sheep. They all came from white parents yet that one is black. See chief, it is a miracle."
The chief then looks around and says,
"Ok, you say nothing about that sheep and I say nothing about that baby."
[ This Message was edited by: Tiny on 2007-06-11 20:27 ]
Posted by KingBooker5
One cold night there were 2 nurses walking through the morgue.
At that momment the first nurse asked the other nurse if she had ever had sex with a dead body. "no why?" she replied whats it feal like? "Its amazing! The other nurse said".
"I better not im on my periods", she replied
"Oh come on" said the other nurse, "its the ride of a life time!"
Finaly after the pressure of the other nurese, the woman agreed and had sex with the dead corpse. A few seconds later, when she caught her breath, she commented on how great it was, only to be interuptted by the dead body which jsut sat up: "Wow, its amazing what a blood transfussion can do these days!"
[ This Message was edited by: KingBooker5 on 2007-06-16 10:43 ]
Posted by strizlow800
There was a PC gamer who was sent to the Hell after his death. And after some time spent there Satan calls god and tells him:
- Why did you sent me this idiot. He has killed all the demons, demolished everything and now three days is running around the halls and asking: "Where is the entering to the next level?".
Posted by KingBooker5
One day at school a few years ago, the teacher went in the class room and saw the word penus written on the chalk board.
She amediately rubbed it out and questioned all the kids in class but non owned up. The next day she came in the class and the word penus was written on the board but it was noticabley larger then the large writing.
She rubbed it out again, and questioned the class. Days past and the word Penus was always writen on the board and each day, it was always bigger then the day before, and each day the teacher rubbed it out.
However the next month it said somthing a bit diffrent
: "wow lady, that was a wonderfull expiriance, each day you rubbed me, I got larger and larger and when I couldnt get any bigger I resorted to this, the white substance your reading right now on the chalk board!"
Posted by fatreg
A mans wife dies in Israel whilst on holiday.The official's say, we can bury your wife here for £150 or we can prepare and fly the body home for £15000.
The husband says "I want her flown home."
The official says "Why pay all that money when you can have a good funeral here for £150."
The husband replies "2000 years ago a man died in this country and 3 days later he rose from the dead.I just can't taking that f**king chance."
Posted by paul101
Posted by KingBooker5
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Posted by maggflodd
Posted by paul101
good 1 king
Posted by KingBooker5
lol thanks guys, I have another one:
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big nice deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Posted by paul101
Posted by fatreg
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'nice get in there you cool!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the nice manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cool', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cooling window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cools blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'f**k it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I nice wrote it!
excuse the swearing....
Posted by paul101
i now know where to come for me jokes.
for the slow HERE!!!
Posted by paul101
Little mary.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
_________________
my birthday: 9th july
Caught: now i know how pepsi is made
meths hasn't posted in a while
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-06-25 20:02 ]
Posted by Cycovision
This thread is huge, I've been reading it for years but my memory is appalling so apologies if these have been posted before.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
--------------------------------------------
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only £20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
_________________
If your life seems dull and boring, that's probably because it is.
[ This Message was edited by: Cycovision on 2007-06-25 20:14 ]
Posted by paul101
Dr. Paul's' lost tounge twister
see if you can do this:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top. Betcha you can't resist passing it on.
----------------------------------------------------------
also do as me sig says : are you mad at me? if not press alt+F4
_________________
my birthday: 9th july
Are you mad at me? If not, press Alt+F4
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-06-26 19:57 ]
[ This Message was edited by: paul101 on 2007-08-28 19:50 ]
Posted by Maximus
lol
Posted by fatreg
Bastards.......
Just got chucked out and barred from the local swimming pool cos I has speedo trunks on...
What I didn't know was that the "s" had fell off the logo......
Posted by fatreg
A boy runs into his Gran. "Gran have you seen my pills from my room marked LSD"??
Gran replies "f*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen"??
Posted by fatreg
Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo, they came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This facinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non stop.
.when he was done the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visited him at the hospital and asked "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" he shouted. "Wouldn't you be?"That big ape hasn't called, he hasnt written....."
Posted by goldenface
Some Tommy Cooper Corkers:
"I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'. "
"A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy' "
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.' "
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2007-06-27 14:34 ]
Posted by $herry
Posted by fatreg
The streets of Sheffield echoes to the cries of "super, smashing, great" as Bullseye's speedboat winners finally get the chance to use the F****r
Posted by Cycovision
I went to the doctors the other day and he told me 'You're going to have to stop masturbating.'
'Why?' I said.
'Because I'm trying to examine you' he said...
Posted by gaming_guy
i had 25 yoghurt's last night, the following morning i was mullered
i heard that on the chris moyles show on radio 1 the other morning
Posted by sailaab
In Heaven:
* The French cook the food.
* The Swiss run the hotels.
* The Germans fix the cars.
* The Italians are the lovers.
* The English are the police.
In Hell:
* The English cook the food.
* The French run the hotels.
* The Italians fix the cars.
* The Swiss are the lovers.
* The Germans are the police.
.
.
okay.. nothing really to be taken personally here
nor against or for a particular race, community, nationality.. just some pure (if at all) irrational fun
Posted by noblewolf
This is not supposed to be a joke since it happened couple days ago and i find it hilarious. On my first few days here looking for a job in the classifieds, an advertisement in a newspaper caught my attention because it's kinda nasty.. it indeed gave me a good laugh. And believe it or not, this ad appeared on the paper four days in a row!
MONDAY - For Sale: RD Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7pm and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY - Notice: We regret having erred in RD Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7pm."
WEDNESDAY - Notice: RD Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For Sale: RD Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7pm and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him."
THURSDAY - Notice: I, RD Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper, but she quit!
Hahahahaha! I couldn't help myself but to laugh everytime Im remided of it. Now where's Jay Leno?!
Posted by goldenface
LMAO!
Good jokes all round!
Posted by $herry
Newsapapers!!
Posted by pmerryman
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having $ex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have $ex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have $ex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have $ex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have $ex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have $ex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have $ex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
.............and then the masochist said : "Meow....!!!!!"
Posted by $herry
LMAO!!
Posted by sailaab
http://msgboard.snopes.com/me[....]t_topic/f/60/t/001268/p/2.html
I was initially mistaken to think these were some Astronauts discussing some Time n Motion or space events or Nobel Laureates doing Hi end anatomical research!!
LoL.. some people have really lot of time at hand
(oops!! that applies to most of us here in the garbage threads too)
Posted by SE4NICK
Well this joke is sooooo childish but im goinng to say it anyway:
Teacher Says: Rodger you can leave class now !
Rodger Says: Why ?
Teacher says: The bell has gone.
Rodger Says: I didn't take it !
Ahahaha the bell, get it ? Sorry for wastin your time.
Posted by sailaab
http://www.flurl.com/item/Orgasm__Auditions__u_212099
and the parameter's for judging were¿¿¿
Posted by Tiny
Got 2:
An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.
The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."
"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.
"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."
Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.
"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids come in and share their stories. “My daddy told me about my uncle Dave,” says one boy. “He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands.”
“What is the moral of that horrible story?” yelps the mortified teacher.
“Stay away from Uncle Dave when he’s drinking.”
Posted by procterdc
Horse walks into a bar, barman says, "whats with the long face?"
Horse walks into a bar carrying some jump leads, barman says, "I can cope with the long face, just don't try startin anything ok?"
Posted by AbuBasim
The following is an old one but still makes me crack up every time, especially the last one:
Are You an Unreconstructed, Right-on, Rogue Male
Or a Delivery Boy of the New Male Order?
Are You a Man or a Louse?
Find Out Below.
1. A woman whispers "Do me now, big boy..." in your ear. She is obviously:
a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless
sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.
2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Sex.
b) nice.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.
3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both
shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.
4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss Sportsnight.
5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.
6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.
7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.
8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.
9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day of
my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a
lamb..."
c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.
10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love.
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.
13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the colour of a Chicago Bulls uniform.
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?
14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.
15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing
sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Carol...."
16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:
a) An overdraft.
b) A blow job.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.
17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas.
b) Terry-Thomas.
c) Massive.
d) On its birthday.
18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetiser is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.
19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.
20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk of love.
d) Talk on the phone.
21. Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) Never going to vote anyway.
22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
d) A tricky defense in court.
23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."
24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
a) Before you go out.
b) Before you pass out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.
25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and
a carving knife in the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.
26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Posted by procterdc
A united fan, a liverpool fan and a jamaican were all in the maternity ward, when the nurse said " Im sorry but we have mixed your babies up, your going to have to pick your own.
So the United fan walks over and picks the black baby up.
At this point the jamaican says " thats clearly my baby " to which the United fan replies " look mate one of those f*****s is a scouse c**t and i'm not willing to take any chances.
Posted by procterdc
Old couple in church, during the service wife whispers "I've just done a silent fart, what should i do?"
he says...
"put a battery in your f*****g hearing aid!"
Posted by procterdc
Different types of Shit (film style)
The "Alien" shit
This is where your shit bursts out of your arse, leaving you.. well...dead
The "Green Mile" shit
Its big and black, but you feel like you're the one on death row
The "Rocky" shit
It's come a long way, defeating all the odds it was a miilion to one shot, but it pulled all the punches "Yo Adrian I Did It"
The "Armageddon" shit
This is it its the end of the world, your brow is sweating, brace for impact. But don't worry, Brucie is there to help.
The "Day After Tomorrow" shit
You're sat on the bog, you need to go, but nothings happenin. 48 hours later when your in a business meeting...
The "Star Trek" shit
This bad boy is givin you problems, you wish you could transport it out of there
The "Fast And The Furious" shit
Nuff said
The "Land Of The Dead" shit
WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN EATING, GOD THAT STINKS, SMELLS LIKE ROTTING CORPSES
The "Gladiator" shit
This shit is huge, so huge it could conquer an army!!
Can anyone come up with any others?
Posted by pmerryman
A redhead girl goes home with her blonde friend. When she gets home she finds a large bunch of flowers off her husband. The redhead says"I hate it when he does this" to which the blonde replies "why". The redhead says "well evertime he does that, I have to lie on my back with my legs in the air for 3 days" to which the blonde replies, "why havent you got a vase"
Posted by KingBooker5
A guy in a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
"Open the nice safe!" He yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank." She replies, "We don't have any money, this is a sperm bank."
"Don't argue, open the nice safe or I'll blow your head off." Demands the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it's full of sperm!" She replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it!" He demands. She pulls the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" He demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the ski mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.
"There," He says "It's not that nice difficult is it?"
Posted by KingBooker5
(if your american, you will love this one!)
Panhandling
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
Posted by KingBooker5
There is this lady who is pregnant with triplets. The first baby tells the other two, "When I get out of here I'm gonna be an electrician because it's too damn dark up in here." The second baby says, "When I get out of here I'm going to be a doctor, because this cord is bugging the hell out of me." The third baby says, "When I get out of here I'm going to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes up here one more time, I'm gonna cut it's nice head off."
Posted by KingBooker5
One day a little boy and his dad are walking down the street. upon turnung a corner the little boy see two dogs having sex. Confused the little boy askes his dad,"Daddy what are those two dogs doing?" Scratching his head the father answers carefully."well, son they are making a puppy. Don't worry about it let's keep walking." Satisfied with this answer the little boy walks on.
The next day the little boy walks into his mother and fathers room where he unknowingly;) interups his parents having sex. The little boy confused, asks his father,"Daddy what are you doing to mommy?" Not knowing how to answer this he says,"well, we are making a baby." Scratching his head to mock his father the little boy says,"well, can you turn her over and make a puppy instead?"
Posted by KingBooker5
A guy goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is my chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, gets up, drops his pants, picks up the chicken and sticks his dick in the bird's ass. He then bends over and says, "Your turn!"
Another joke
:
Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Posted by KingBooker5
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
Well, thats almost a whole page of jokes, by the Book Man!
Hope you enjoyed em!
Posted by procterdc
I need to get some more me thinks
Posted by KingBooker5
Why did Saddam Hussein kill his wife?
Why?
Because he looked up her skirt and saw bush
Posted by Cycovision
Did you hear about the dyslexic clubber? He died after taking an 'F'
-----------
Paddy and Murphy go for a job interview. Paddy goes in first and the interviewer says:
"Right Paddy, I want you to say a sentence that includes the word 'Interest'."
Paddy thinks for a while and says "If I get this job, I'll save all of my wages in the bank and buy a new donkey jacket with the interest."
"Well done Paddy!" Says the interviewer. "You've got the job, can you send Murphy in for me please?"
So Paddy leaves the room and tells Murphy to go in adding: "hey Murphy, it's dead easy. All you've got to do is say 'If I get this job, I'll save all of my wages in the bank and buy a new donkey jacket with the interest'."
In strides Murphy and the interviewer says to him 'Hello Murphy, I want you to give me a sentence with the word 'fascinate' in it."
"If I get this job, I'll save all of my wages in the bank and buy a new donkey jacket with the interest." says Murphy.
"No,no" says the interviewer. "'fascinate', not 'interest'."
So Murphy thinks about it and eventually says...
"I've got a Donkey Jacket with ten buttons on it, but I can only fasten eight!"