Posted by batesie
Three women - 2 younger and 1 senior citizen - were sitting naked in a
sauna; suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
" That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone,she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that.................I'm getting a fax!"
_________________
www.dnbradio.com
[ This Message was edited by: batesie on 2006-03-26 20:41 ]
Posted by mrao
Bill Gates in Afterlife
Bill Gates died. He was sent to the Afterlife Waiting Room. He was met by St. Peter, who asked him if he wanted to go to Heaven or Hell, and if he'd like to see them before he decided. Bill said yes, and St. Peter snapped his fingers. They appeared on a sunny beach, with people dancing, swimming, and playing volleball. Just basically having a wonderful time. Good food, good music, good people. Bill turns to St. Peter and says, "Wow, Heaven is great!" St. Peter says, "This isn't Heaven, it's Hell. Want to see Heaven?" Mr. Gates nods yes, and they appear in a shady park, with a few old people sitting on benches feeding birds. A gentle breeze blows by, and all is quiet and serene. St. Peter asks Bill, "Well, which would you like?" Bill thinks for a minute, and says, "Well, if this is Heaven, then I'll take Hell." Instantly, he was plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, the screams of other tortured souls filling his ears. He looks up, and sees St. Peter in the waiting room. Bill calls out to him, and said, "Hey! What's going on? Where's the beach? The bikini-clad women? The party?"
St. Peter turns from his Macintosh to face Bill, and says, "That was just the demo."
Posted by mrao
Bill Gates and the CD of Power
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on.
I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it."
To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth.
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D
"I cannot read the fiery letters," I said. "No," he said, "but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"
"One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
I almost fell off my seat when i read this one 
Posted by Mad_Bob
| Quote: |
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. |
| Quote: |
A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre. |
Posted by BobaFett
Posted by mustafabay
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:
- As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.
- Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
- Strike while the... bug is close.
- It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
- Never underestimate the power of... termites.
- You can lead a horse to water but... how?
- Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
- No news is... impossible.
- A miss is as good as a... Mr.
- You can't teach an old dog new... math.
- If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
- Love all, trust... me.
- The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
- An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
- Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!
- A penny saved is... not much.
- Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
- Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
- None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
- Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
- If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
- You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
- When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
- There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.
Posted by scottt
A man goes into a chemist one Friday morning and says to guy behind the counter 'OK, I have 3 stunning work colleagues coming round tonight and I need something to help me satisfy all 3, all weekend, do you have anything?'
The chemist reaches under the counter, and pulls out some extra strength Viagra 'This should do the trick', to which the man grins, pays and leaves.
Monday morning, the chemist recognises his first customer, its the man from Friday, and asks him how his weekend went.
The man replies 'Just look at this', and drops his trousers, revealing a battered and bruised penis, sores all over it, bleeding, then asks 'Do you sell Deep Heat?'
The chemist replies 'We do but you can't put it on that!'
The man says 'Oh no, its for my shoulder, they never came round in the end!'
Posted by jack77777
a man walks into a bar with a girafe he has a pint then walks out the bar tender shouts hey u cant leave that lyin there then the man says its not a lion its a girafe.
Posted by axxxr
woman asks man!
\"I'm hungry.\" = I'm hungry.
\"I'm sleepy.\" = I'm sleepy.
\"I'm tired.\" = I'm tired.
\"Do you want to go to a movie?\" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
\"Can I take you out to dinner?\" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
\"Can I call you sometime?\" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
\"May I have this dance?\" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
\"Nice dress!\" = Nice cleavage!
\"You look tense, let me give you a massage.\" = I want to fondle you.
(while shopping) \"I like that one better.\" = Pick any freakin dress and let's go home!
\"What's wrong?\" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
\"What's wrong?\" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
\"What's wrong?\" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
\"I'm bored.\" = Do you want to have sex?
\"I love you.\" = Let's have sex now.
\"I love you, too.\" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
\"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.\" = I liked it better before.
\"Let's talk.\" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
\"Will you marry me?\" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
Posted by Uncle Bob
A train hits a busload of catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They all wind up in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl is pushing her way to the front of the queue. When she reaches the front St. Peter says, "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her arse in it."
Posted by goldenface
ROTFLMAO
Posted by Uncle Bob
Two Essex blondes walk into Harrods, they walk up to the perfumery and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it onto her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?" "Yeah Shaz. what's it called?". "Viens a moi, Trace". "What the hell does that mean?" At this moment the sales girl offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for come to me". Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracy saying ....." That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"
Posted by EastCoastStar
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart
Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they
really look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
Posted by pmerryman
54 and 18
>>> >> >
>>> >> > Husband wrote the following letter for his wife
>>> >> > and left it on the
>>> >> > dining room table:
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> > "To My Dear Wife,
>>> >> >
>>> >> > You will surely understand that I have certain
>>> >> > needs that you, being
>>> >> > 54
>>> >> > years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy
>>> >> > with you and I value
>>> >> > you
>>> >> > as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this
>>> >> > letter, I hope that you
>>> >> > will
>>> >> > not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
>>> >> > spending the evening with
>>> >> > my
>>> >> > 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
>>> >> > Please don't be upset -
>>> >> > I
>>> >> > shall be home before midnight."
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> > When the man came home late that night, he found
>>> >> > the following letter
>>> >> > on
>>> >> > the dining room table:
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> > "My Dear Husband,
>>> >> >
>>> >> > I received your letter and thank you for your
>>> >> > honesty about my being
>>> >> > 54
>>> >> > years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
>>> >> > remind you that you
>>> >> > are
>>> >> > also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher
>>> >> > at our local
>>> >> > college.
>>> >> > I would like to inform you that while you read this,
>>> >> > I will be at the
>>> >> > Hotel
>>> >> > Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also
>>> >> > the assistant
>>> >> > tennis
>>> >> > coach.
>>> >> >
>>> >> > He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is
>>> >> > 18 years old. As a
>>> >> > successful businessman who has an excellent
>>> >> > knowledge of Math, you will
>>> >> > understand that we are in the same situation,
>>> >> > although with one small
>>> >> > difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than
>>> >> > 54 goes into 18.
>>> >> > Therefore, I will not be home until sometime
>>> >> > tomorrow."
Posted by goldenface
A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and
raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention.
She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the
bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink."
She gets her drink and goes away.
Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her
and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink."
She gets her drink and goes away again.
The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina
given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before.
The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift
her leg that high."
Posted by goldenface
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to
tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old
house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good
stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams
the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can
buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old
scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a
scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.
The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only
6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good,
12-year-old scotch."
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality,
12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire
episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass
down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out
the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"
The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the
sink, or else...
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise
with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the
whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured
the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink
out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down
the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one
hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the
other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one
bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.
I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I
don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I
get.
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-06-09 11:36 ]
Posted by Danny_BFC
What a forum,
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some f**kin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f**kin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the f**kin’ French toast."
Posted by Glenny
Its a beuatiful day. The sky is blue. The grass is green. Not a cloud in the sky. Two cows are enjoying the sunshine, and the first cow says
'moo.' The other cow says 'Ya W*nk*r i was gonna say that!
Posted by axxxr
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do,” says the Devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”
The Devil smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”
Posted by QuickShare
@axxxr
LMAO!!!
hahaha
Posted by easy2deal168
@axxxr
Nice one!!!!
Posted by axxxr
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”
He said, “F**k him, give him a dollar.”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
Posted by *Jojo*
This is a TRUE story mates !
A friend once asked me; Jojo, how MANY adults do you think will comfortably FIT in a Beetle Volkswagen (same as that of Herbie !)? . . .
Then I replied: . . . of course, only and ONLY 5 will comfortably fit in a Beetle Volkswagen - Adults at that ! ! !
He replied: Nope ! 71 will COMFORTABLY fit in it . . .
I said: You moron ! How can 71 adult sized people fit in a small car like a Beetle Volkswagen ????
He said: Simple . . . 2 in the front and \" 69 \" at the back !
Posted by abubakar
3 newly-weds die in a plane crash and are approaching th gates of heaveN. As the 1st husband reach for the gate a thunderous voices cries out:
YOU MAY NOT ENTER!!!! ALL YOUR LIFE YOU ONLY LOVED MONEY TO THE POINT YOU EVEN MARRIED A WOMAN CALLED PENNY!!!! BOTH OFF YOU BEGONE!!!
As the 2nd couple approached:
YOU MAY NOT ENTER!!!! ALL YOUR LIFE YOU ONLY LOVED FOOD TO THE POINT YOU EVEN MARRIED A WOMAN CALLED HONEY!!!! BOTH OFF YOU BEGONE!!!
The husband from the 3rd couple looks at his wife and says "We might as well go back now, Fanny!!!"
Join Team Naija @
http://setiathome.berkeley.ed[....]account_form.php?teamid=126651
Posted by goldenface
Nice one guys.
Posted by Winger
People Really Said These Things In Court
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Posted by axxxr
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, \"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?\"
Posted by Burgaz
Now that's funny Axxxr!!!
Posted by *Jojo*
A couple discussing:
WIFE: Honey, what will you give me on our 25th Year Wedding Anniversary?
HUSBAND: I will bring you to Africa Dear . . .
WIFE: WOW, that's so SWEET of you . . . and what will you give me on our 50th Year Wedding Anniversary . . .
HUSBAND: I'll pick you up in Africa !
Posted by axxxr
This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, “Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago.”
Saint Peter asks, “What’s his name?”
“John Smith,” replies the woman.
“Gee,” says Saint Peter, “we’ve got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?”
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, “Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave.”
“Oh!” says Saint Peter. “You mean Whirling John Smith!”
Posted by Evil Eye
lmao
nice jokes axxxr
Posted by axxxr
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carrying a bag.
\"What's in the bag?\" the youngster asked.
\"magic apples\", the old man replied.
\"Prove it\", said the young man.
\"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?\" asked the old man.
\"Watermelon and peaches\", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. \"OK, turn it over\", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
\"I like to eat pussy.\" he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, \"That tasted like shit\".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, \"Turn it over.\"
Posted by Danny_BFC
Haha, heard that one a long time ago axxxr but good joke
Posted by axxxr
Q: What do you call an abortion in Prague?
A: A cancelled cheque
Posted by Winger
Secret Messages
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Posted by goldenface
A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend's
Christmas present. As they hadn't been seeing other for very long he
decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the
right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of
white fur lined gloves, the sister bought a pair of knickers (panties) for herself at
the same time.
During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister
got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking Ron sealed the
package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:-
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not
wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your
sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons but she wears shorter
ones which are easier to remove,
These are a very delicate shade,but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in
them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and
shiny, in fact she she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing
them,
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they
will be naturally a little damp from wearing, just think how many times my
lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love
Ron.
P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur
showing.
2 guys were stuck in the Moroccan desert, desperate for water.
They struggle once again over the top of a sand dune and lo and behold, they see an market full of people selling and buying food.
They rush down with thier last ounce of energy and go to the first stall, gasping "water, water"
The stall holder says " sorry, I only have a mixture of jelly and custard, topped with creme and cherries."
Desperate for a drink, they go to the next stall but the reply is "sorry, we only have blancmange with sweet biscuit base and chocolate sprinkles on top of double creme with a hint of sherry"
This goes on for every stall, them being offered rich puddings all the way.
Eventually they crawl to the top of the next dune, severely dehydrated and one says to the other.....on the brink of death...
"did that strike you as odd"; to which the other replies...............
"yes, it was a trifle bazaar"...
_________________
My Friends 3G World Analysis Mobizines
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-10-20 14:31 ]
Posted by Danny_BFC
HAHA great one Goldenface!! Lol! Not got any for u though yet.
Posted by goldenface
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY (Not our very own!)
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a Horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them,but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Posted by leeboy13
Quote goldenface:
'11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'? '
I wanna meet teh guy/girl who found this out - maybe not actually , dont want teh lil begger pulling at anything on me
Posted by goldenface
@leeboy
I don't know what to say!
Posted by psychonymphe
Questions 9 and 14 shouldn't be there; only really silly people would find these 2 questions baffling.
Posted by goldenface
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps
into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, ''Are you ready to find Jesus?''
The drunk answers, ''That I am.''
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, ''Brother, have you found Jesus?''
The drunk replies, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.''
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, ''Have you found Jesus, my brother?''
The drunk again answers, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.''
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and, when he begins thrashing his arms and legs, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, ''For the love of God, have you found Jesus?''
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher.....................
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Posted by psychonymphe
A nun goes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear her confession: "Last night I enjoyed the pleasures me the flesh. Father Conner came to me and told me that I had the Gates me Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the Key to Heaven, and he put it in the Gates." "Bastard!" cries the Mother Superior, "For years, he told me it was Gabriel's Trumpet and I've been blowing it."
Posted by QuickShare
@goldenface
LMAO
Posted by goldenface
A woman sitting in a restaurant in St. John's, Newfoundland suddenly
began to cough while eating a giant lobster. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress.
Two men, Bob and Bill, sitting at the next table turned to look at
her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked Bob.
The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Bill.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No'.
With that, Bob walked over to her, lifted up the back of her
skirt yanked down her panties, and ran his tongue up and down the
woman's butt crack.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again. Bob swaggered back over to his table and proudly took another drink of
his beer.
Bill said in admiration, toasting Bob, "Ya know boy, I'd heard of dat
dere 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
_______________________________________________________
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered; "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch". "We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was disturbed, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting in bed!"
__________________________________________________________
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home
_________________
My Friends 3G World Analysis Mobizines
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-10-21 17:04 ]
Posted by QuickShare
2nd and 3rd are awesome
oh btw .. please tag the story for god sake i mean for easier reading 
just joking mate
Posted by lufc 4 lyf
where do u find a no legged dog?
where ever you left it lol
Posted by psychonymphe
That hen joke is a legend. I couldnt stop laughing! Very appreciated!
Posted by goldenface
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
___________________________________________________________
Two women in heaven, recent arrivals, were comparing stories on how they
had died. First woman said, "I froze to death." Second woman, "You froze to
death - how horrible!" First woman, "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?" Second woman, "I died of a massive heart
attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to
catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den,
watching TV." First woman, "So what happened?" Second woman, "I was so sure
there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and went down to the
basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I
kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted
that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died." First woman, "Too
bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive."
___________________________________________________________
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.
The entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
___________________________________________________________
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Reiko: What in the hell is that?
Naoe: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Reiko: Where did you get it?
Naoe: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Reiko hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
_________________
My Friends 3G World Analysis Mobizines
[ This Message was edited by: goldenface on 2006-10-25 16:10 ]
Posted by leeboy13
goldenface, these jokes are legendary