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Posted by DickySnapples
NO OFFENCE INTENDED....ITS JUST A JOKE

what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?


Nothing,youve already told her twice

[ This Message was edited by: Dicky Snapples on 2005-08-16 17:58 ]


Posted by njoy29
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Paul, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Paul was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Paul showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Paul announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Paul, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

Posted by ambyzown
Very funny.
By the way Paul, how's the family?

Posted by mrao


A wife is cooking a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband bursts into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Quick! Add more more butter! Oh my goodness!

"You're cooking too many eggs at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my! You make me so nervous!"

"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?

"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

His wife stares at him, stunned with amazement. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"


The husband calmly replies, as he walks away, "Now you know what it feels like when you're telling me how to drive."

Posted by mrao
Time & Money


Asking God...


The man said, "God, are you there?"

God responded, "Yes, I am."

The man said, "May I ask you a question?"

"Go ahead, my son." God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is but a second."

The man then asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."

So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"

And God said, "Sure, just a second."

Posted by mrao
Ed Zachery Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.

Posted by mrao
Another one


Unlucky parrot


At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Señor Humphrey? This is Ernesto
the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, that's the one' Señor."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody señor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the
water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was
the candle for?"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

"Your mother-in-law, Señor. I am so sorry, but she showed up late one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver."

SILENCE....................

"Ernesto, if you broke my new driver you're fired!


Posted by Pradhika
NETWORKS AND LIFE. Life b4 marriage : airtel - always get in touch. Life while honeymoon : hutch - follows wherever you go. After 10 years of marriage : bsnl - not reachable.. Good bye.

Posted by Kryptik
It was so cold in Cape Town today that a large number of lawyers were spotted walking about with their hands in their own pockets.

Posted by Evil Eye
Nice jokes mrao...

[ This Message was edited by: John Abraham on 2005-09-07 04:26 ]

Posted by mrao
Thats cheap ... pls delete it

Posted by JK

(",) What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? ..... You can drop her off anywhere.

(",) What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? ..... Outlaws are wanted.

(",) Where does virgin wool come from? .....
Ugly sheep.

(",) How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony? .....
It isn't hard.

(",) What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night? ..... His last name.

(",) What's the down side to a 3-some? .....
You're likely disappoint two women instead of just one!!!!!!!!!!!

(",) How do you know you're really ugly? .....
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

(",) Why are hurricanes named after women? .....
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.

Posted by goldenface
Two friends meet each other on the street.

Hello, Bill! Where are you coming from?

I'm coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law.

I'm so sorry. But why is your face scratched all over?

It wasn't so easy! She put on a hell of a fight.


One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie, who told him he’d get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

“What would you like for your first wish?” asked the genie.

“I want one billion dollars,” replies the man.

“Remember,” says the genie, “your mother-in-law gets double what you got.”

“I know.”

The man then chooses his second wish, “I wish I had a brand new sports car.” So, he gets his second wish and he’s very content.

“Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?” asks the genie.

The man ponders for a moment, then answering, “I wish to be beaten half to death.”


Posted by mrao
Broke is Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well- dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.


"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."


The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

Posted by mrao
This ones too funny

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because
he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some
fun at the deputies expense..

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop.
License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
ticket, if not - you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle then, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving
crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"


Posted by mrao
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, Little Johnny. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he would go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agrees.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions" The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."


Posted by JK
Theres more to that joke mrao...

heres one

Little Leroy's father catches him snorting a powdery substance behind the shed.

'Leroy!' he yells, 'what's that stuff you're sticking in your nose? It had better not be cocaine!'

'Don't worry, Papa says Leroy. 'It's only Kool-Aid.'

'Kool-Aid? Why would you want to stick Kool-Aid up your nose?'

'Because I've got a cold,' sniffs Leroy.

'Well, Kool-Aid isn't going to get rid of your cold, my boy.'

'I know, Papa, says Leroy. 'But at least it makes my snot taste nice/lekker.'

another one

"Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"

"E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"

The next day:

"Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."

"Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back."

"Sorry Sipho, I did already spent that money.."

"Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow." So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning.

A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow: "You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R750! But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead.."

"Yoh! And the people they didn't complain?"

"Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was happy!"

Sipho is now in parliament..





[ This Message was edited by: 786KBR on 2005-09-12 12:28 ]

Posted by JK
Little Leroy's father catches him snorting a powdery substance behind the shed.

'Leroy!' he yells, 'what's that stuff you're sticking in your nose? It had better not be cocaine!'

'Don't worry, Papa says Leroy. 'It's only Kool-Aid.'

'Kool-Aid? Why would you want to stick Kool-Aid up your nose?'

'Because I've got a cold,' sniffs Leroy.

'Well, Kool-Aid isn't going to get rid of your cold, my boy.'

'I know, Papa, says Leroy. 'But at least it makes my snot taste lekker.'

one more...


"Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"

"E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"

The next day:

"Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."

"Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back."

"Sorry Sipho, I did already spent that money.."

"Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow." So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning.

A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow: "You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R750! But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead.."

"Yoh! And the people they didn't complain?"

"Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was happy!"

Sipho is now in parliament..




Posted by mrao
@786.... nice ones, mate

Here's another one....
This was posted purely in good humour. No offense intended towards any religion

The Debate

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. There was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

So the Pope offered a compromise. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had little choice and nothing to lose, so they chose a wise old man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one condition to the debate. To make the debate interesting, neither would be allowed to speak. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

Later, the cardinals gathered around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jews had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then what happened?"

After a long pause, Moise shrugged, saying "I'm not sure. The Pope took out his lunch so I took out mine."

[ This Message was edited by: mrao on 2005-09-12 17:00 ]

Posted by max99
omg y can't ppl post short ones and not half page long lol

Posted by private
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by

cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.


The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any _expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.


The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."


Posted by private
Two drunks stumble out of a pub in Ireland at about 4:00 in the morning. They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman.

The first drunk pipes up, "Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet." To which the policeman replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."

The second drunk then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I wonder if the last bus to Galway has left yet." The officer again replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."

The first drunk then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet."

The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, "It's 4am, all the bloody buses have gone!"

And with that the first drunk turns to his friend and says, "Ok, Mick, we can cross the road now."

Posted by private
removed by request.

[ This Message was edited by: private on 2005-09-15 12:39 ]

Posted by DJcreamz
Hrash generilsation on Indian Engineers there

Posted by blackspot
Two drunks went home after a long drinking session.

Joey: Hey you're going this way too, Jim?
Tim: Yup, I live jusht 2 blocks ahead, hik, and by the way name's Tim.
Joey: Really? that's cool. We musht be neighbors.
Tim: Yeah, no wonder you look familiar, Tony.
Joey: It's Joey. What number's your house?
Tim: 408. Here it is!
Joey: You musst be kidding, I live here too!

Tim's wife came out: "Where the hell have you been?"

Tim: Don't tell me that's your wife too, hahaha!
Joey: Nope, that's my mom.

Posted by JK


You'll like this, cruel but priceless.......

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have
experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter
Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous
too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last
guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his ass off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".


Posted by blackspot
reminds me of an old one about three guys stranded in an island for 1 year and found a magic lamp. When they rubbed it a genie came out and granted them 1 wish each.

First guy: I wish to be back with my family!

Poof! he was back to his family.

Second guy: I wish I was back to my family too!

Poof! he was back to his family, too!

Third guy: It's kinda lonely now, I wish my 2 friends were back.

Poof! the two guys came back!

Posted by JK
Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry Sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! he's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull$h1t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Posted by batesie
Quote:

On 2005-09-14 22:17:03, max99 wrote:
omg y can't ppl post short ones and not half page long lol




A horse walked into a bar, the barman says 'why the long face'

Posted by blackspot
On new year's eve a lady stood up at a local pub and suggested that it would be a great time to get ready for the celebrations. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand close to the person who made his life worth living.

The bartender was almost crushed to death!

Posted by JK
A young woman in Cape Town was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young deck-hand saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.
We're off to Europe in the morning,and if you like, I can stow you away on this ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy, OK?"

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Ferry making trips between Robben Island and the Waterfront.


Posted by JK
FUNERAL SPEECH OF THE YEAR

Maria is a devoted wife: She gets married and has 17children.......Soon after the last child is born, her husband dies.....A few weeks later she remarried, and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband......After the last child is born her second husband also dies......Within a month Maria is engaged to be married for the third time.......Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies. At her funeral the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, he looks up to heaven and says:"At last they are finally together".

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest replied "I mean her legs".


Posted by private
Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly, now pretty old
guys, 75 and 76 years old, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about cricket,like they do every day.

Sachin turns to Sourav and says, "Do you think there's
cricket in heaven?"

Ganguly thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I
dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in
heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They
shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Sachin passes on.

One day soon afterward, Ganguly is sitting there
feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sourav...Sourav!"

Ganguly responds, "Sachin! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sourav," whispers Sachin's ghost.

Ganguly, still amazed, asks,

"So, is there cricket in heaven?"

"Well," says Sachin, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Ganguly.

Sachin says, "Well... there is cricket in heaven."


Ganguly says, "That's great!

What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Sachin sighs and whispers,

"You and me, we are going to open the innings on Friday."


Posted by private
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried?

...that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

Posted by batesie
This is a tough one.... Check this - Morality Test:


This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer and you will discover where you stand morally.


The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.




Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.






You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you
caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper,
and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.







The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making
photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some
disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its
destructive fury.







Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. .
Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's

George W. Bush!







At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under ... forever. You have two options--you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,
documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.




So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:
























>>>> scroll down <<<<



























Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the

classic simplicity of black and white?




Posted by max99
LOL

Posted by mrao
RAW MATERIAL

In science class the teacher said they would talk about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have only one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded then called on little Susie.

Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher smiled and she then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my neighbour has two big silicone implants and you should see all the sports cars outside their house!!"

Posted by mrao
AN OFFICE BOY AT MICROSOFT

A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him, then a test, clean the floor.
"You are selected" he said, give me your e-mail address, and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you can start.

The man replied "I don't have a computer, neither do I have an email address"

I'm sorry, said the HR manager, if you don't have an email that means
you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.

The man left with no hope at all.
He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. He then
decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two
hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation
three times, and returned home with 60 US$. The man realized that he
can survive by this way, and started doing this everyday from morning till late evening.

Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the U. S.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to purchase life
insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email address.

The man replied: ' I don't have an email'.
The broker replied curiously, "You don't have an email address, and yet have succeeded in building an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had email?!!


The man thought for a while, and replied: "An office boy at Microsoft!"

The moral of this story:
1- Internet is not the solution to your life.

2- If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

3- If you are reading this on the internet or on e-mail, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire.












Posted by blackspot
Jay approached a lady who was alone in a corner table in a pub and started being friendly. "Hello there, I'm Jay, Can I sit here while you're waiting for your companions?". To Jay's surprise and obvious embarassment the lady shouted "You want to have sex with me?". Everyone was looking at them so Jay just looked down and went away and drank by himself in a table on the opposite corner.

Later, the lady approached him and explained. "I'm really sorry about that, I'm a psychologist and I'm actually doing this research on 'human behaviors on unexpected situations'". Jay smiled, looked at her, stood up and shouted "Two hundred bucks?!"

Posted by private
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."



Posted by mrao
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."



Posted by kk.226
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion
on
the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an
example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him,
that would be a tragedy."

No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a
great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs.

Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that
would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f**king accident
either".



Posted by Evil Eye


[ This Message was edited by: john abraham on 2005-09-26 01:00 ]

Posted by JK
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"Oh, no!" president Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion?"







Posted by mrao
After the first few days in the Garden of Eden, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable".

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?" So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."

And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?" So, the Lord again gave Adam instruction and Adam again disappeared behind the bush, but this time he quickly re-appeared, saying "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

Posted by blackspot
In a town convention, the speaker asked "has anyone of you experienced making love to a ghost?".

A farmer raised his hand. The speaker was shocked and said "Really! So how does it feel making love to a ghost?"

The farmer was a bit embarrassed and answered "Oh sorry, I thought you said goat!"

Posted by batesie
> Top Tips!!!
>
> DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
> tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
> another song you like and hum that instead.
>
> CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
> having a p**s before the film starts.
>
> RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
> actually speaking clearly in the first place.
>
> DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
> identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
> with your old bank statements.
>
> WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
> red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
> remove the stains.
>
> SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
> tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.
>
> MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it
> to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
>
> BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
> sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one
> of their dogs on you.
>
> EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
> CVs into the bin.
>
> MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
> the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
> your wife from having to do it.
>
> GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
> by Royal Mail.
>
> BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
> very small horse is approaching.
>
> ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
>
> DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your
> horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start
> and send them on their way.
>
> PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
> everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
> morning, simply move it all back again.
>
> CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
> valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
>
> DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
> simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
>
> MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
> driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police
> will think you are listening to the sea.
>
> JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
> your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
>
> SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
>
> SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
> outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
> occasionally glancing inside.
>
> BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
> into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
> After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the
> pan.
>
> ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
> pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
>
> McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
> in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.


Posted by project86
Two doctors are discussing the new nurse Jenny in a hospital. "Shes reallly thick, i told her to give someone 20 mills of insulin every 3 hours, she gave him 3 mills of insulin every 20 hours! he nearly died!" "Yeah, she does everything backwards!" said the other doctor. "the other day i told her to give a guy one enema every 12 hours, she gave him 12 enemas every hour, the poor guy nearly exploded!" just then there was a blood curling scream from down the hall. "oh my word!" said the one doctor! "i've just realised... i told her to prick Mr Smith's boil!!!"

Posted by Evil Eye
@project

Posted by JK
Pay attention

"Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.

After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of
observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."



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