Posted by mhorton
Posted by ewap8
nice jokes.
more more!!
Posted by jems
more!!
Posted by arroyootje
There are five Irish guys planning to rob a bank. On the big day, just after midnight, they creep along to the bank. They deactivate the alarm system and sneak in. They find their way to the main safe and blow the lock. Once inside they find another 20 little safes, they start to open the first, but all they find is a pot of yoghurt!!! "What's this shite?" One of them think, but the other one says: "Don't worry 'bout it, Paddy, it'll give us something to eat..."
Slowly they continue, breaking into all the different safes, only to find more yoghurt, more yoghurt and more yoghurt. After all having 4 pots each,they gave up and went home with nothing more than a bloated stomach.
Next morning headline: DUBLIN'S BIGGEST SPERMBANK ROBBED!!
Posted by mhorton
Keep them coming
Posted by brownjs
hhhhhhhhehhhhhaaaaaaa
Posted by ewap8
that one was good!! we want MORE!! Yes. Keep em coming
Posted by orang3
Posted by mhorton
Posted by GOwin
Posted by mhorton
I have seen that before.
Posted by josch
i am blind
Posted by mhorton
I must be then as well
Posted by josch
a likely story.
Posted by josch
a likely story.
Posted by mhorton
Yeah
Posted by josch
the next joke but
Play up!
Posted by mhorton
I really need to get some jokes again, I haven't had any for ages
Posted by jems
I'm gonna see my Doctor right away!!!
Posted by mhorton
Hmmm
Posted by mhorton
Hmmm
Posted by lor
great jokes, keep em coming
Posted by mhorton
Yeah I need something to cheer me up
Posted by mhorton
Got some cool pictures.
[img]http://www15.brinkster.com/mhcq/mb/burn-fiver.gif/img]
Posted by brownjs
mhorton pics do not work
Posted by lor
same here, can't see nothin
Posted by lor
"Pires has got something about him, he can go both ways depending on who's facing him" - David Pleat
"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball" - Ian St John
"The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game" - Kevin Keegan
"Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him one really hard" - Big Ron
"Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman" - Brian Moore
"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to thefinish" - Ian St John
"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored" - Terry Venables
"The Croatians don't play well without the ball" - Barry Venison
"It had to go in, but it didn't" - Peter Drury
"That's lifted the crowd up into the air" - Barry Davies
"He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss." -Bobby Robson
"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders" - Kevin Keegan
More Kevin Keegan (retired footballer/active TV audience annoyer) specials:
"Only one team can win this game....and that team is England", followed by
Brian Moore "But wait a minute, here's Dan Petrescu...................."
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose"
"That would have been a goal if the goalkeeper hadn't saved it"
"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that
it's completely different"
"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm -and it nearly came off"
Some Big Rons:
"Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind"
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all
over their faces"
"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to
carry on their shoulders"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw"
"He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate"
"I'm afraid they've left their legs at home"
Posted by lor
10 things you should not say to a Speed Cop
1. I bet this shiny new 50 cent piece can make you forget the whole thing.
2. Never mind speed - is there anywhere I can score some hash in this dump of a county?
3. When are you going to get a real job? Your mother and I are worried sick about you.
4. No, I have no idea how fast I was going - but my beer was splashing all over the place.
5. Do you know how much tax I paid last year? I pay your bloody wages!
6. What is that you're jabbering - some sort of local dialect? Speak English, dammit!
7. I have a special licence to speed - look, it says "Tear along the dotted line" right there.
8. I know you're just doing your job, guard, and to see that makes me so proud to be the eldest son of the Minister for Justice.
9. Was that you I saw in the Irish Gay Pride march? I think it shows real courage for a guard to come out like that.
10. Well, look, you'd hardly travel at the national speed limit when trying to get through Limerick, now would you ?
Posted by lor
Stupid People - How some people qualify as Idiots
How some people qualify as Idiots...
Idiot #1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Idiot #2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a liferaft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised bya Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Idiot #3
A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked in to the branch and wrote,"This iz a stikkup.Put all your munyinthisbag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that he could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
Idiot #4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture - of handcuffs.
Idiot #5
A Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashierto put it in the bag as well, but he refused,"Because I don't believe you are over 21".
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.
At this point the robber took his driver's licenseout of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
Idiot #6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The firstone shouted, "Nobody move!".
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Idiot #7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Posted by lor
Extracts from Resignation Letters
Where can I get a new Job ? First you have to write your resignation letter and tell your boss to get lost, these are ways other people quit their jobs.
Dear Mr.Chambers,
I Quit !
An offer of 1 million pounds plus free sex with a page three girl could not convince me
to stay with your company. A position of junior goat herder in Mongolia would be a more
positive career step, than staying here.
What a shame. Our group have worked well, but, yet have been criminally overlooked.
Finally: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Signed,
K. Simpson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FAO : Lisa S. Bramer
Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation from ***,
effective, September 1, 2000.
While I have a high degree of personal respect for you and the opportunities you
have offered me, I am no longer comfortable working for a technology organization
largely populated by politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of
imperial Chinese literature. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a
leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any longer than
the next two weeks.
It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who clandestinely
own and operate the Technology Group would reveal themselves during my tenure here,
but it appears they are far cannier then I ever gave them credit for.
Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the Americanfinancial industry with foolish
and ill-advised technology policies will eventually be revealed, but until then it seems
their plans may march on uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain
here to fight this hideous alien menace from within.
God's speed, and may the Force be with you.
Sincerely,
Tom Flander
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Editor,
I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your increasingly
leaky vessel.
Yours,
Harold Jameson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. X,
As an employee of an institution of higher education,I have a few very basic expectations.
Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common
ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoyingharassment of myself and my co-workers
during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true
genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little
nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste
of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.
I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement
to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of
"cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as
incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this
will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality
than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others.
You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for yourinterview, but now
that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off onoverworked staff, hoping their talent will
cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that
everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal,
I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
Regards,
Jan Van Bronkel
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Unpersonable B*tch
As per the piece of crap I signed on my first day of this dreaded job, I hereby give 2 minutes
notice of myintention to leave this awful company. I want to thank you for all you have not
done for me in my employment here.
It has been sheer torture working for you and representing this crappy company.
It is now time for me to move on and I have accepted a position as a garbage person.
This decision was quite easy and took little consideration.
However, I am confident that this new role represents a step up from this piece of crap job.
I wish the company would go to pieces and hope one day you too will realise that you cannot
manage your way out of a paper bag.
Glad to be gone,
Jenna Anderson
Posted by lor
Inflight Announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel freeto move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insertthe metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how tooperate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?". "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?". The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot own?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Posted by lor
The following are reputed to be genuine excerpts from complaints sent to landlords:
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked; where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp. We have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it?
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
Posted by lor
True extracts from insurance claim forms. These are NEW (mostly), and are the collection made by a UK Insurance firm for their annual Christmas magazine.
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought".
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Mooo
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it"
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth"
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
Posted by lor
Problems with Foreign Product Names
1. Coors Beer put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
Posted by lor
These extracts are taken from real CVs ( Resumes ) and covering letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage"
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
Posted by lor
Famous TV Quotes - "Oh No, What have I just said ..."
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them -
Oh my God, what have I just said?'
( US TV commentator Jonny Huntridge )
'I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs...'
( Andy Gray, Sky Sports )
'This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.'
( Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator )
'Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks,ago'
( David Coleman )
'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
( Metro Radio )
' ....and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..'
( Sue Barker )
Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
Chris Eubank: 'On what?'
' And for those of you who watched the last programme ( Fanny and Johnny Craddock Cookery Programme on the BBC ), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fannys '
( David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day )
'I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones'
( Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992 )
'I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered'
( George Best )
'If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent'
( Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990 )
Richard Keys : Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league ?
Roy Evans : You have to finish above everyone to win the league Richard
'If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen.'
( Terry Venebals, Capital Gold )
'It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday.'
( Radio 5 Live )
'Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money.'
( Newcastle United Fan, Radio 5 Live )
'I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it.'
( Alan Ball )
'Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different.'
( Trevor Brooking )
'Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badlycut forehead.'
( Tom Ferrie )
'And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out.'
( Dave Bassett )
'And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds.'
( Peter Jones )
'What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal.'
( Jimmy Hill )
'Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.'
( Brian Moore )
'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'
( David Acfield )
'What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio.'
( Gerry Francis )
Headline - John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday.
( New York Post, 1993 )
'If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers.'
( Mick Lyons )
'He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head.'
( Derek Johnstone- BBC TV Scotland, 1994 )
'The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did.'
( Barry Davies, 1975 )
'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel'
( Stuart Pearce, 1992 )
Jimmy Hill: Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?
Terry Venables: I think it's fifty- fifty
There's nobody fitter at his age, except maybe Raquel Welch
( Ron Atkinson lauds Gordon Strachan, 39 )
Manchester United take more in programme sales than we take on the gate
( Lawrie McMenemy, Southampton )
If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can't swim
( Berti Vogts, Germany coach )
You don't have to have been a horse to be a jockey
( Arrigo Sacchi, Italy coach, defending a meagre playing record )
Love is good for footballers, as long as it is not at half-time
( Richard Moller Nielsen, Denmark coach )
I was about to say, before something far more interesting interrupted.
( John Motson, France v Bulgaria )
Why didn't you just belt it son?
( Gareth Southgate's mother reflects publicly on her son's penalty miss )
The only way we will be going to Europe is if the club splash out and take us all to Eurodisney
( Dean Holdsworth, Wimbledon )
I was shocked when I was first introduced to the fans because they brought out a sheep, cut its head offand then smeared blood over my forehead
( Manchester United's Ronnie Johnsen on life with Besiktas, Turkey )
If the players want to make it hard for me, I am happy to make it twice as hard for them
( Wendy Toms, the first female referee to officiate in a professional game )
The score is Sunderland nil, Leicester nil, the temperature is nil and the entertainment value is not much above nil
( Sunderland v Leicester, Radio 5 Live )
I think having Wasps around here as well gives us that little buzz around the place
(Ray Wilkins on the QPR-Wasps groundshare)
This is an unusual Scotland side because they have good players
( Praise for the Under-21s from Javier Clemente, Spain's coach )
There are some great defenders here, I just don't know their names
( David Ginola of Newcastle and France )
It's sod's law. Now I've got time to improve my golf it's the wrong time of year
( Howard Wilkinson when sacked by Leeds )
I know where he should have put his flag up, and he'd have got plenty of help
( Ron Atkinson at Stamford Bridge )
The referee was booking everyone. I thought he was filling in his lottery numbers
( Ian Wright )
'Asking Ruud Gullit to perform in this sort of match is like asking Kiri te Kanawa to jam with the Spice Girls.'
( 5 Live's Pat Murphy on the lousy pitch at Derby and the ill-tempered nature of the game )
'We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite'
( Murray Walker )
'The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense.'
( Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991 )
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country"
( Ian Rush )
'Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator'
( John Arlott )
'Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play'
( Peter Lorenzo )
'We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized.'
( Ian McNail )
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body'
( Winston Bennett )
'The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.'
( Murray Walker )
'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. '
( Greg Norman )
'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.'
( Alan Minter )
'The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball.'
( John Francombe )
'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
( Terry Venables )
'We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival.'
( Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich )
'I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better'.
( Ron Atkinson )
'He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces.'
( Ron Atkinson )
'I never comment on referees and I'm not going to brek the habit of a lifetime for that pratt.'
( Ron Atkinson )
'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.'
( Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977 )
'Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists.'
( David Vine )
'Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.'
( David Coleman )
'Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of.'
( David Coleman )
'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.'
( Ruud Gullit )
'Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
( Ron Atkinson )
'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'
( David Acfield )
'What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?'
( Stuart all - Radio 5 live )
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona'
( Mark Draper - Aston Villa )
'There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class'
( David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics )
'...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion'
( John Arlott )
'These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them'
( Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta )
"In terms of the Richter scale, this defeat was a force eight gale."
( John Lyall )
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."
( Richard Park )
"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
( Dave Bassett, speaking on Sky Sports )
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."
( John Greig )
"My parents have been there for me. Ever since I was about seven."
( David Beckham )
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game, as long as we won the league."
( Mark Viduka )
"We lost because we didn't win."
( Ronaldo )
"I've had 14 bookings this season - eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable."
( Paul Gascoigne )
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
( Ian Wright )
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
( Alan Shearer )
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
( Thierry Henry )
"Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win."
( Vinny Jones )
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level."
( David Beckham)
Posted by lor
These are Signs translated into English Seen in various international locales:
1. Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have Children in the bar
2. At A Budapest Zoo:
Please Do Not Feed The Animals. If You Have Any Suitable Food, Give It To The Guard On Duty
3. Doctor's Office, Rome:
Specialist In Women And Other Diseases
4. Hotel, Acapulco:
The Manager Has Personally Passed All The Water Served Here
5. Information Booklet About Using A Hotel Air Conditioner, Japan:
Cooles And Heates: If You Want Just Condition Of Warm Air In your Room. Please Control Yourself
6. Car Rental brochure, Tokyo:
When Passenger Of Foot Heave In Sight, Tootle The horn. Trumpet Him Melodiously At First, But If He Still Obstacles Your Passage Then Tootle Him with Vigor.
7. Drycleaner's, Bangkok:
Drop Your Trousers Here For The Best Results.
8. In A Nairobi Restaurant:
Customers Who Find Our Waitresses Rude Ought To See The Manager.
9. On The grounds Of A Private School:
No Trespassing Without Permission
10. On An Athi River Highway:
Take Notice:
When this Sign Is Under Water, This Road Is Impassable
11. On a poster At Kencom:
Are You An Adult That Cannot Read? If So, We Can help
12. In A City Restaurant:
Open Seven Days a Week And Weekends
13. A Sign Seen On An Automatic
Restroom hand Dryer: Do Not Activate With Wet Hands
14. In a Cemetery:
Persons Are Prohibited From Picking Flowers From Any But Their Own Graves.
15. Tokyo Hotel's Rules And Regulations:
Guests Are Requested Not To Smoke Or Do Other Disgusting Behaviours In Bed
16. Hotel Notice, Tokyo:
It Is Forbidden to Steal Hotel Towels Please. If You Are Not A Person To Do Such A Thing Is Please Not To Had Notice
17. On The Menu Of A Swiss
Restaurant:
Our Wines Leave You Nothing to Hope For
18. In A Tokyo Bar:
Special Cocktails For The Ladies With Nuts
19. In A Bangkok Temple:
It Is Forbidden to enter A Woman Even A Foreigner If Dressed As A Man
20.Hotel Brochure, Italy:
This Hotel Is Renowned For Its Peace And solitude. In Fact, Crowds From All over The World Flock Here To Enjoy Its Solitude
21. Hotel Lobby, Bucharest:
The Lift Is being Fixed For The Next Day. During That Time We Regret That You Will Be Unbearable
22. Hotel Elevator, Paris:
Please leave Your Values At The Front Desk
23. Hotel, Yugoslavia
The Flattening Of Underwear With Pleasure Is The Job Of The Chambermaid
24. Hotel, Japan:
You Are Invited to take Advantage Of The Chambermaid
25. In The Lobby Of a Moscow Hotel
Across From A Russian Orthodox Monastery: You Are Welcome to Visit The Cemetery Where Famous Russian And Soviet Composers,Artists, And Writers Are Buried Daily Except Thursday.
26.Taken From A Menu, Poland:
Salad A Firm's Own Make; Limpid Red Beet Soup With Cheesy Dumplings In The Form Of A Finger; Roasted Duck Let loose; Beef Rashers Beaten In The Country People's Fashion.
27. Supermarket, Hong Kong:
For Your Convenience, We recommend Courteous, Efficient Self-Service.
28. From The"Soviet Weekly":
There Will Be A Moscow Exhibition Of Arts By 15,000 Soviet Republic painters And Sculptors. These Were Executed Over The Past Two Years.
29. In An East African Newspaper:
A New Swimming Pool Is Rapidly Taking Shape Since The Contractors Have Thrown In The Bulk Of Their Workers.
30. Hotel,Vienna:
In Case Of Fire, Do Your Utmost To Alarm The Hotel Porter.
31. A Sign Posted In Germany's Black Forest:
It Is strictly Forbidden On Our Black Forest Camping Site That People Of different sex, For Instance, Men And Women, Live Together In One Tent Unless they Are Married With Each Other For This Purpose
32. Spotted In A Toilet In A London Office Block
Toilet Out Of Order.
Please Use Floor Below.
33. Notice In Health Food Shop Window
Closed Due To Illness.
34. Spotted In A Safari Park
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.
35. Seen During A Conference
For Anyone Who Has Children And Doesn't Know It, There Is A Creche On The First Floor.
36. Sign Warning Of Quicksand
Quicksand !
Any Person Passing This Point Will Be Drowned. By Order Of The District Council.
37. Outside A Farm
Horse Manure
50c - per Pre-Packed Bag
20c - Do-It-Yourself.
38. Sign In A Launderette
Automatic Washing Machines:
Please Remove All Your Clothes When The Light Goes Out.
39. Sign in an Irish office
After morning coffee break, staff should empty the pot and stand upside down on the draining board.
40. Sign in another office
Would the person who took the step ladder without premission yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
41. Sign in a London department store
Bargain Basement Upstairs.
Posted by lor
The words of Homer J Simpson ( Homer Simpson Quotes )
[Praying heavenward]
Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!
Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don't know.
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
Homer: God bless those pagans.
Homer Simpson: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.
Dealer: 19.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 20.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 21.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 22.
Homer: D'oh!
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain sodium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled.] That's bad.!?
Homer: Can I go now?
Homer: Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube
Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now
Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.
Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.
Homer: Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.
Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening
Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
[Homer is a Blackjack dealer]
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer deals Bond a card.] Joker? You're supposed to take these out of the deck.
Homer: Oh, sorry, I'll give you another one.
[Homer deals Bond another card.]
James Bond: What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond...
[Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him.]
James Bond: But... but wait! It was Homer's fault. I can't lose! I never lose!
[Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino.] At least tell me your plans for world domination!
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I'm not falling for THAT one again.
Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Astra: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hill-billy or chimpanzee!
[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket.]
Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine."
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.
Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.
Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now
Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick--
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
Homer: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
Marge: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
Homer: Of course not. But you know something?
Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time
David won!
Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning
Lisa Simpson: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer: Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot!
[Marge whispers something in his ear] I knew that.
Homer: Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Pepi: Tell me more! I want to know ALL the constellations!
Homer: Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy.
Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson,
Lisa: never help anyone.
Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving!
Homer: There, there, Bart. If something's hard, then it's not worth doing
[Homer can't stop the monorail]
Marge: I've brought somebody to help you.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: It's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?
Marge: It's NOT Batman.
Homer: I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus
Homer: Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! Ow! Ow!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!
Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute
Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like -- I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!
[Homer is teaching a university course on marriage]
Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Krabappel: We need names!
Homer: Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson!"
[Ned and Homer are driving in a snowstorm.]
Ned Flanders: Homer, we just hit something!
Homer: Ooooooh, I hope it was Flanders
Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Homer: (Offering Lisa a donut.) Donut?
Lisa: Uhh... got any fruit?
Homer: This one has purple in it. Purple's a fruit.
Doctor: (Eating a hot dog) Delicious!
Homer: I've got the presciption for you, Doctor... another hot beef injection! (Hands him a hot dog)
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Mr. Burns (Golfing with Homer): Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.
Homer: For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "...you're making a scene."
Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products.
Bart: You dunkin your sausages in that syrup, Home boy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Ah, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to,
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
Homer (Upon finding out he's been admitted to college): (Singing) I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is.
Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Homer: Woo hoo! Cheap meat!
Homer: Mmmm... beer.
Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step... slam)
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer:
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Homer: If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporthing events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer: Mmmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch munch)... 63 (munch munch munch) (cut to much later)
Homer: 2... (munch munch munch) ... 1 (munch munch munch)
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.
Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (Starts sobbing uncontrollably)
Homer: Ahhh... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo hoo!
Homer (Looking at a "nudie deck"):"The girls of the internet." Ooh, I'd go online with them anyday!
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Homer: Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
Homer (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch munch).
Homer: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical.
Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here, anyway.
Homer: To find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders.
Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o! And I wear the same stupid sweater every day and...
Homer: The Springfield river!
Posted by lor
Kids Say the Darn'dest Things
1. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied ...
"but what is growing in your butt?"
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2.It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?", he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
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3. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...
"Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No.You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!
"Five minutes later......"
Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
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4. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him,
"How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St.
Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!"
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5. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
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6.It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
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7. Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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8. A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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9. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer. She's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's an actor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes miss." the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11. For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One Day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously distressed, but he made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12. On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour thy Father and thy mother,"
She asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Posted by mhorton
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the
only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use
like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off
those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm
taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For
indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." ( news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly." (I don't blame the
company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Posted by mhorton
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the
only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use
like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off
those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm
taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For
indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." ( news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly." (I don't blame the
company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Posted by orang3
A family in the Southern Province of China were
> > puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother
> > arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the
> > daughters.
> >
> > The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the
> > coffin, with no space left in it ! When they opened
> > the lid , they found a letter on top which read as
> > follows:
> >
> > Dear Cousins, I am sending Ahma body to you since it
> > was her wish that she should be cremated in The
> > compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin . Sorry, I
> > could not come along. as all of my paid leaves are
> > consumed.
> >
> > You will find inside the coffin, under Ahma's body, 12
> > cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of chocolates and
> > packets of Lap Chong. Please divide these among all of
> > you.
> >
> > On Ahma's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok
> > shoes(size 10) for Ah boy.
> >
> > Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's
> > and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ahma
> > is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is
> > for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews.
> >
> > Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans
> > that Ahma is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch
> > that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's left wrist.
> >
> > Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, Ahma is wearing the necklace,
> > earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take
> > them. The 6 white cotton socks that Ahma is wearing
> > must be divided among my teenage cousins. Let me know
> > what else you need as Ah Kong is also not keeping well
> > nowadays I can send all required things when our
> > Ah Kong also............
> >
Posted by orang3
> >A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play
> >date."Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks
> >over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her
> >age,it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How
> >much do you weigh?"
> >
> >"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are
really
> >none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and
> >daddy get a divorce?"
> >
> >"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away
as
> >"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
> >
> >"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's
> >license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that
> >night the little girl says to her mother,
> >"I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks,
> >"How did you find that out?"
> >
> >"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and
> >shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl
> >continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
> >
> >"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies,
> >"Because you got an F in sex."
>
>
Posted by mhorton
Posted by mhorton
Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded.
The answer is at the end for those who cannot think this one
through!!
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides
of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is
getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are each thinking the
exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
>...................
>...................
>...................
>...................
>...................
>
>
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Don't look down.
Posted by Beatrix
It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am
going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with
water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save
the righteous people and two of every kind of living
thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to
build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans
and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the
Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered
the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a
tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard
weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best,
but there were big problems. First, I had to get a
permit for construction and your plans did not comply
with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and
redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not
the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation
devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect
the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still
no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued
by an animal rights group. They objected to me only
taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me
that I could not complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had
no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the
universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of
the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right
now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am
practicing discrimination by not taking godless,
unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to
avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of
user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational
water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further construction of the Ark, saying that since
God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore
unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6
years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun
began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow
arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. You
mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
AMEN
Posted by orang3
Posted by mhorton
Yeah man that one was funny.
Posted by brownjs
these are they best
Posted by Eleventy7
The dog of a pub landlord dies, so in his grief he removes the tail as a keepsake. At midnight that night the ghost of the dog visits the landlord and asks for his tail back. the landlord replies ' You know I cant retail spirits after hours'