Posted by blackspot
A young man was lost in a forest and came to a small house, knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with long gray beard.
"I'm lost, can you please put me up for the night?" he said.
"Certainly, but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man" the old man said.
"OK" said the young man.
After dinner they all went to their rooms. The young man was obviously attracted to the beautiful daughter with a fantastic body who kept staring at him during dinner. When everything was quiet the young man snuck up to the daughter's room for a night of passion. When it was over, he carefully went back to his room.
When he woke up he felt a heavy load on his chest with a note "Chinese torture 1 - Large rock on chest"
The young man just smiled and thought "that's very crappy" as he tossed the rock out of the window. He noticed a note on the window saying "Chinese torture 2 - rock tied to left testicle"
In a panic he decided to jump out after the rock thinking that a few broken bones were better than castration. On his way down he noticed a large note on the ground that read "Chinese torture 3 - right testicle tied to bed post"
Posted by shithappens
Here's one for the girls
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker, if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
the same stuff---grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!"
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power, when you don't know sh*t?
Posted by Jake Blues
FOR SALE:
2000 tea towels
excellent condition
contact:
mrs arafat.
Posted by methylated_spirit
Whats about six inches long and begins with a P?
A shit!
Posted by blackspot
Julius Caesar: I am the Ruler of Rome!
Cornelia: No you're not! Show me 12 inches and I'll say you're a ruler.
Posted by Jake Blues
doctor: i examined you all over and i cant find anything wrong with you, it must be the alcohol.
patient: ok, ill come back when you are sober
Posted by blackspot
Santa Claus was about to leave the house after delivering some gifts, but on his way to the fireplace a beautiful lady blocked his way and said "Santa why don't you spend christmas here with me?"
Santa said:
"Ho, ho, ho, I got to go
Raindeers waiting out in the snow."
The lady took off her dress and said "Now will you stay?"
Santa said:
"Hey, hey, hey, I got to stay
Can't climb up the chimney with my D**k this way!"
Posted by Rookwise
Man driving down road
Woman driving up same road
They pass each other
Woman yells out window, "P I G !"
Man yells out window, "B I T C H !"
Man rounds next curve
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
Posted by blackspot
it took me a minute to figure that one out!
Brutus: Today, we are going to slay Caesar.
Marc Antony: Yes, we shall slay him in the open where everyone can see
Cassius: Hmmm, we're going to need a horse.
Brutus: A horse?
Marc Antony: Why?
Cassius: Haven't you heard of the "One Horse Open Slay"?
Posted by methylated_spirit
3 santas go to the blood clinic, to donate blood. The nurse says "thats incredible, you're all exacly the same blood type!" "Really?" reply the 3 santas? The nurse says "yes, you're O O O"
Ba-doooom-tish!
Posted by Jake Blues
my god. and i thought mine were bad.
Posted by blackspot
Three nuns passed by a house with a parrot hanging in a cage by the garden near the gate. When the parrot saw them the parrot said "white, white, pink". The nuns were all wondering what the parrot meant by that. The first nun said "the only white I have are my panties". The second one said "mine too". The third one said "mine is pink". They were so shocked and amazed and just burst into laughter.
The next day they decided to test if their theory was right about the parrot so they planned to wear different colored panties -- red, green and yellow. When they passed by the parrot said "red, green, yellow". Again they were so excietd and laughed!
The next day they wanted to give the parrot a hard time so they decided not to wear panties. When they passed by the parrot paused for a while. After a few seconds it shouted "curly, straight, curly". The nuns ran away.
Posted by shithappens
Posted by buluayam
Been awhile since I've last been back online, and posted any jokes!
A series of management jokes...how often have we seen these things happen in real life, though?
___________________________________________________________
The boards of the two fiercely competitive companies decided to organize a rowing match to challenge each other's organisational and sporting abilities. The first company was strongly 'theory X': ruthless, autocratic, zero staff empowerment, etc. The second company was more 'theory y': a culture of developing people, devolved responsibility and decision-making.
Race day arrived. The Y company's boat appeared from the boat-house first, with its crew: eight rowers and a helmsman (the cox). Next followed the X company boat and its crew - eight helmsmen and a single rower.
Not surprisingly the Y company's boat won an easy victory.
The next day the X company board of directors held an inquest with the crew, to review what had been learned from the embarrassing defeat, which might be of benefit to the organization as a whole, and any future re-match.
After a long and wearing meeting the X company board finally came came to their decision. They concluded that the rower should be replaced immediately because clearly he had not listened well enough to the instructions he'd been given.
___________________________________________________________
Following a poor first-half year performance the board of Company X tasked a senior manager to investigate what was happening on the factory floor, since the directors believed poor productivity was at the root of the problem. While walking around the plant, the investigating manager came upon a large warehouse area where a man stood next to a pillar. The manager introduced himself as the person investigating performance on the factory floor, appointed by the board, and then asked the man by the pillar what he was doing. "It's my job," replied the man, "I was told to stand by this pillar."
The investigator thanked the man for his cooperation and encouraged him to keep up the good work. The investigator next walked into a large packing area, where he saw another man standing next to a pillar. The investigator again introduced himself and asked the man what he was doing. "I've been told to stand by this pillar, so that's what I do." said the man.
Two weeks later the investigator completed his report and duly presented his findings to the board, who held a brief meeting to decide remedial action. The board called the investigator back into the room, thanked him for his work, and then instructed him to sack one of the men he'd found standing by pillars, since obviously this was a duplication of effort.
___________________________________________________________
A little girl was watching her mother prepare a fish for dinner. Her mother cut the head and tail off the fish and then placed it into a baking pan. The little girl asked her mother why she cut the head and tail off the fish. Her mother thought for a while and then said, "I've always done it that way - that's how babicka (Czech for grandma) did it."
Not satisfied with the answer, the little girl went to visit her grandma to find out why she cut the head and tail off the fish before baking it.
Grandma thought for a while and replied, "I don't know. My mother always did it that way."
So the little girl and the grandma went to visit great grandma to find ask if she knew the answer.
Great grandma thought for a while and said, “Because my baking pan was too small to fit in the whole fish”.
___________________________________________________________
A big corporation hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR manager during the welcome briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.
A few weeks later the cannibals' boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No," they said.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others angrily, "Right, which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly in admission. "You fool!" said the leader, "For weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!..."
___________________________________________________________
Here are two letters, according to the story both real, the first allegedly sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan; the second is Mr DeVries' amusing response. The letters provide a great example of the dangers of making assumptions and jumping to conclusions, and also how to reply to a false accusation with humour and style.
the Michigan DOEQ letter
Subject: DEQ File No.97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries,
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
Mr Devries' letter response
Dear Sirs,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process (State unauthorized) of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris".
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is: aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Thank you
Ryan Devries and the Dam Beavers
Posted by k4m!k4ze
Why teacher's are stressed -
_________________
Intel inside, Mental outside
Think you've seen Flash ? See this !
[ This Message was edited by: kllr_dude on 2004-12-12 13:10 ]
Posted by blackspot
@kllr_dude, I can't see the pics...
----------
A man in a real cowboy attire was drinking in a table in a bar. A woman approached him and asked "Are you a real cowboy?". He proudly responded "sure am!". The woman sat down in the chair in front of him and started talking...
"You know, I'm a lesbian. All day long I think about women. When I eat or take a bath, I think about women. When I'm in a bus or at work I think about women. Even when I'm asleep, I still think about women"
Suddenly, a foreigner came in the bar and approached the cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?". The man hesitated for a while and answered "That's what I thought, but I just found out I'm a Lesbian".
Posted by k4m!k4ze
@black - i dunno why you cant but i can, try copying and pasting the url in a new page.
-------------------
A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his a**hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
Posted by shithappens
Posted by k4m!k4ze
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
Posted by blackspot
A cowboy was riding fast his horse along a nearby cemetery when he saw a black dog standing right in the middle of the path. He immediately pulled the leash that the horse's shoes screeched trying to stop. He was able to stop just right in front of the dog. He got out of his horse and approached the dog hoping to get it out of the path. When he was near the dog looked at him and spoke "What do you want?"
He was so scared that he wet his pants and ran away as fast as he can. The horse was shocked and followed his master. The cowboy stopped when he reached a huge boulder and hid behind it. He was still shocked with the dog and began to talk to himself "Shoots! that was one hell of a scary ghost dog. What in tarnation... I wet my pants, Shoot!". The horse behind him said "You didn't have to leave me behind you know, I was scared too!".
The cowboy fainted.
Posted by Burgaz
Blackspot that is bloody terrible....
Posted by blackspot
I know it's corny, isn't it?
That's all I can think of in the moment.
Hope this will make up for it:
A man was living in a very secluded part of a large desert, away from civilization. He lived by the small animals, insects, and occasional plants that are able to survive in that area. The only living companion he had was his camel. A lot of times, in his loneliness, his sexual longings would be so strong that he attempted to make it with his camel but the camel would start moving violently and his attempts always fail.
One day a beautiful, sexy lady who was lost in the desert, was crawling towards his tent begging for food and water. "Sir, I would do anything you desire if you would spare me food and water". "Anything?" He grinned. "Yes, anything" the lady replied desperately. So without hesitation he gave the lady a generous amount of food and water and allowed her to rest for a while while he excitedly thinks about what will happen next. When the lady had totally recovered she presented herself to the man and said "Well, a deal is a deal, I'm ready to do anything you desire"
The man looked so happy and said "Yes, finally! Come, hold the camel"
[ This Message was edited by: blackspot on 2004-12-22 03:15 ]
Posted by methylated_spirit
Did you hear that Dr Dre and Snoop Dogg are releasing a christmas album? Thats right - Hos Hos Hos!
Posted by Rookwise
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard, I've just been laid.
Posted by mince-inside
Kick start to the New Year (more for the Scots members)
A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the civil servant?
"10" replies the girl.
"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"
"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec
"Doesn't that get confusing?" "
Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.
"'at's easy," says the girl... "Ah just use thur surnames"
---
A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"Naw" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
---
Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "Gies that rid yin" The man replies " Hen that's a fire extinguisher."
---
A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Morag."
Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?"
Morag: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Morag: "Springburn."
---
A Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the news that thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!"
"It's no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's fu***n' hunners argh! thump!"
---
Another Glesga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Danielle: "Ok."
Medic: "Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?"
Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
---
A Glesga burd and a Weegie guy are in a bar when the girl notices something strange about the Nikes the guy is wearing. She says, "Here mate, ah no' tryin tae take the piss ur any'hin lik' that, but how come you've goat an L oan wan ae yur gutties 'n' an R oan the other wan?"
So the guy smiles, puts down his bottle of cider and replies, "Coz I'm a bit thick so Ah huv tae huv an L oan ma left fit 'n' an R oan ma ma right wan." "F*** sake" exclaims the girl "So thats how ma thongs've goat C&A oan thum!"
See Scotty or Meths for accurate translations
_________________
Pictures in my head
Worst job ever! v's Dream Job V=
[ This Message was edited by: mince-inside on 2005-01-07 21:29 ]
Posted by methylated_spirit
A glesgae burd goes into labour, and she phones for an ambulance
"Mah watters jist broke, im huvin' mah baby!" She tells the operator.
"The operator replies "Where are you ringing from?"
The glesgae burd replies "Fae mah fanny tae mah feet!"
Posted by methylated_spirit
Whats red and lives in a tree?
A sanitary owl
Posted by k4m!k4ze
Extreme abuse of the english language
all statements made by a professor in a certain college -
His family :
I have two daughters.... Both of them are girls...(?)
At the playground :
All of you, stand in a straight circle.
There is no wind in the balloon.
The girl with the mirror please come her...{Meaning girl with specs).
To a boy, angrily :
I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?
Giving a punishment :
You, rotate the ground four times...
You, go and under-stand the tree...
You three of you, stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)
Sir at his best :
Had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see
one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them.
So the next day at school... ( to that boy ) - " Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"
Inside the Class :
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.
Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
You, meet me behind the class. (meaning AFTER the class .. )
Both of u three, get out of the class.
Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today ...
Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....Take 5 cm wire of any length....
sir at his best:
once he had come late to a college function, by the time the function
had started, so he went to the dais, and said "sorry i am late, because on
the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats)"
Posted by mince-inside
Glasgow twist on an old joke
A Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager.
'Oh Aye; uff dunnabitta sales stuff back up eh road anat, ah'eh barras
anat, know?', nodded the young weegie.
The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job.
The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was
settling in.
'So... how many sales did you make today'? He smiled at the boy.
The weegie said: 'Jist the wan'.
The manager was immediately disappointed. 'Wh-a-a-t? Just one?
Harrods's sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well,
how much was the sale for, anyway'? '£101,237.64' said the lad.
The Harrods manager choked. 'Blimey... One hundred and one thousand,
two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell
did you sell him?'
'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gawin'
fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat.
We went down to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined
Power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could
pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I selt him a dinky 4x4 Suzuki...'.
The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell
me.... a guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a
boat AND a four-by-four?'
'Naw naw, big man... he came in tay buy a box of tampons furries missus
and Ah said......... "Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f**ked, ye
might as well go fishing..."'.
Posted by methylated_spirit
Posted by goldenface
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Posted by goldenface
Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road.
A car comes around the corner breaks hard to avoid them , skids, tumbles twice and land in a field. Jimmy say to Eamonn it's just as well we got out of that field.
Posted by k4m!k4ze
Posted by blackspot
2 friends went hunting in the woods. Jack had to hide in the bushes to answer nature's call when suddenly he shouted "Aaaah, Snake!". Roy came running "What happened". "A yellow snake bit my anus!" Jack replied embarrassed and in pain. "You wait here, I'll go for help" Roy said, a bit scared.
Roy came upon a house nearby and told the old man inside about what happened, he didn't mention some embarrassing detail though. Luckily the old man was a snake expert. "Snake bite huh... You have to move fast or your friend will die. Use a sharp knife and make a cut across the bite marks. Suck as many blood as you can and spit so we can minimize the poison circulated in his body. Go!"
Roy arrived with a sad face thinking about what he was about to do. Jack looked pale "Well did you find any help?". Roy looked at Jack's butt, "Well, there was this snake expert... He said you're gonna die. Sorry."
Posted by methylated_spirit
George Michael got caught with a chocolate bar up his arse earlier...
It was a Careless Whispa!
Posted by shithappens
my contribution:
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, I want to hang out
with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..." God commented: "Well, what's the
big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and
pollution, and can't run without a road?!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but
aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmm.you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours"
Posted by Jake Blues
knock knock
whos there?
michael
michael who?
you are on the jury.
Posted by blackspot
A beautiful, sexy lady was standing by the fence watching a bull making it with a cow. The owner of the ranch saw the beautiful lady and delivered a pickup line that he thought was appropriate.
"Hi there... ahh, cows... I'd really love doing what the bull is doing right now"
The lady just smiled and replied "Why don't you? It's your cow."
Posted by Jake Blues
a guy goes to heaven wearing a manchester united shirt, he is stopped at the gate by st. peter and told
"we dont want your sort in here, youll have to go down there."
"but ive been a really good guy all my life" replies the guy
"in what way?" asks st. peter
the guy replies "last week i gave £10 to the tsunami appeal, £10 to african orphans and £10 to the local church fund"
"wait here" says st. peter
after 10 minutes st. peter comes back
"ive had a word with the big man and he agrees with me, heres your £30 back now f*** off!!"
Posted by gelfen
Posted by shithappens
but i think i'll rather take my chances with the washin machine
Posted by methylated_spirit
Arthur Davidson didnt invent the motorcycle, it was a mr Norton.
Posted by blackspot
Einstein's theory of relativity applies to success: The more successful you are, the more relatives you will know.
Posted by k4m!k4ze
turbo charged bike
Posted by k4m!k4ze
Posted by shithappens
pls do goan get us more of these nasty stuff mate
_________________
True Bravery is arriving home late after a boys' nite out, wife waiting with the broom & u ask: "Are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere"
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2005-03-01 01:52 ]
Posted by Jake Blues
why cant women resist a circumsiced man? they love anything with 20% off
wots 40 feet long and smells of pee? the conga line in an old folks home
Posted by harvey172
Posted by blackspot
Interviewer: Superman, a lot of people believe that you can travel the speed of light, is this true?
Superman: Yes, and to prove to you I can do it, I will go to the moon circle it twice and come back here.
Interviewer: Wow, I'm sure everyone here would love to see that.
Superman: (Smiling, proud) So, you want me to do it again?
Posted by amfne033
David beckham rings michael jackson in his hotel room and says michael we believe you are innocent so after the trial would you like to take a trip on my new yacht, yeah replies michael i cant wait to cum on your little cruz!