Posted by 50Cent
Hours of entertainment......this thread owns!
_________________
My friends Nokia blew up in his pocket
Wow 400+ posts....
Need help on mp3 playes
MP3 players
[ This Message was edited by: Twista on 2004-03-28 16:27 ]
[ This Message was edited by: Twista on 2004-03-28 16:32 ]
Posted by shithappens
Posted by shithappens
The Sex Of A Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Posted by soichiro
true dat!!
Posted by Lynx69
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Oh ma days...oh ffs..thats one of ma sayings!!!
Posted by shithappens
A moral tale...
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, What a shame, he makes that little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
Posted by soichiro
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there ya go..... shithappens' word of wisdom
Posted by shithappens
A consultant's story
Make a nice cup of coffee and take a break to read this.
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd:
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:
“You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.” says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie,
“But how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and
you don’t know a crap about my business!!!
.... Now give me back my dog.”
Posted by soichiro
being smart is not always a good thing
Posted by GalaCtiCa
typical middle-eastern joke :
a boy goes to his parents room and finds his father having sex with his mother. the boys then runs off downstairs, after the father finished he goes to check on his mother downstairs and finds his son having sex with her. the father shouts: " WHAT the hell are you doing !!?"
the son replies : " YOU f**k my mother, I f**k yours! "
Posted by soichiro
i don't find that funny at all.
Posted by GalaCtiCa
hmmm, how about this one :
there is this bull fighter in mexico that is very famous, everyday he fights a bull and after he wins he kills the bull and cuts his balls to eat them.
there was a tourist who went to this big hotel, after he sttled in he went to the retaurant of the hotel. he noticed someone eating this strange looking dish, he goes to the barman and asks about it. the barman tells him that this person is the famous bull fighter and tells him what was on his plate. the tourist asks the barman if he could try the dish and offered the barman alot of money. the barman says : "come back tomorrow and ill ask the bull fighter to give you abit of his share senor."
next day the tourist comes to the restaurant and asks the barman if his "special" order is available. the barman asks the chef to prepare the meal for him. after a while the dish is served and the tourist finds this small tiny thing on his plate and calls the barman angerly. the barman says:
"im really sorry senor, but today the bull won!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by gelfen
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well
dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary American traveller asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American,sniffed and said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty
seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Posted by shithappens
Posted by 50Cent
http://www.erikasfriends.com/for_net/lj/song_for_you.htm
this is a very good sonf about Ebay.. Turn up the volume!!!
Posted by jontyf
There once was a vampire called Mable
Her periods were allways quite stable
But every full moon
She picks up a spoon
And drinks herself under the table
Posted by shithappens
Subject: the 4 evils
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend them on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.
Posted by shithappens
Austin powers pick up lines
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them.
_________________
I maybe fat but u're ugly & i can still diet...
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2004-05-06 10:06 ]
Posted by fijbert
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, 'Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.' They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, 'Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.' At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. 'Look', she said, 'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'
Posted by shithappens
here's some more
1. A 95 year old man sucks his 90 year old wife's breast for half and hour and drinks 2 drops of milk.
POSTMORTEM REPORT - death due to drinking milk after EXPIRY DATE!!
2. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant !!
Which Male pencil is responsible? THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.
3. Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings!
"YES".. OK, BYE". She turns to her lover and says, THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.
4. Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!
5. What's the most difficult GOLF COURSE in this world?
Answer : INTER COURSE.
Reason: No matter how many strokes or what style you play, your balls will never go in !!
6.Q: Why do men have pubic hair?
A: A nest for their bird...
Q: Why do women have pubic hair?
A: A resting-place for the coming bird !!!
7. Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams.. Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!
8. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied : I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!
9. A Girl who opens her hand receives gifts.
Open her heart receives love.
But when she opens her legs, she receives happiness.
10. Yesterday's News:- A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today's News :- Jogger's Park overrun by nuns jogging.
Posted by fijbert
always a funny dude eh shits?
Posted by shithappens
just kind free today is all...besides this glorious thread needs a bit of revivin
Posted by shithappens
Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words:
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Posted by gelfen
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied...."Those plates are as clean as cold water can get
them so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you
sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't
ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog
started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," he complained.
Without diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather
shouted, "Coldwater, move! Get out of the way"
Posted by Madstah
Catching A Tan
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Posted by shithappens
now that's wat i call, lunch time entertainment
Posted by Vlammetje
A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, 'Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you??' The girl replied, 'No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!'
Posted by gelfen
here was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very
pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working with him at his office. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He became quite smitten with her and after a while it became obvious that she was very interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with his girlfriend.
He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine
slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and
singing and smiling and singing.
What was he Singing???
Get ready, it's good...
"I can see Clearly now .... Lorraine is gone...."
Posted by shithappens
next wud come "I can see all obstacles in my way"
Posted by gelfen
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET
LESSONS.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Posted by buluayam
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
___________________________________________________________
The Differences between men and women
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named
Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a
pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner,
and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought
occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it
aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing
each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a
very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it
bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined
by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into
some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little
more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really
want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . .
. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing
each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I
ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this
person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's
see ...February when we started going out, which was right after
I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the
odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more
from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he
has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some
reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant
to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's
still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on
the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees
out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck,
and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd
be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this,
but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm
sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy
being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems
to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my
self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it
right up their....
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . .Oh
God, I feel so....."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and
there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,"
Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up
with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes,
causing him to become very nervous about what she might say
next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets
back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV,
and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny
voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something
major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure
there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he
figures. it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also
Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
of them, and they will talk about this situation for six
straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze
everything she said and everything he said, going over it time
and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture
for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for
weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions,
but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a
mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before
serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
Posted by shithappens
how friggin true
Posted by ShawO
that was a great way to pass time
by far the longest joke i ever read
couldn't help but burst out laughing when it came to the last line
A letter from an Indian mother to her son....
My dear Jagjit, I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.
Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, n that our address will remain same too. This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
Posted by Merovingian
2 brittish vampires walk into a bar... the first one asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary... Sure, no problem, says the bartender.. Then the second vampire orders a cup of hot water.. the 1st vampire asks: What's that good for? The 2nd vampire takes out a tampon and says with calm voice: It's tea time
Posted by 50Cent
Posted by buluayam
Confucius
Confucius says...
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have
trouble putting on pants.
Confucius says...
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be
patient.
Confucius says...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to
undoing of fly.
Confucius says...
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Confucius says...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make whole week.
Confucius says...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find
nuts.
Confucius says...
Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt
up, than Man with pants down.
Confucius says...
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Confucius says...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his
luck.
Confucius says...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches
crabs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Is this a real prayer, I wonder?
Woman's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who's willy is thick and long
One who thinks before he speaks
When he promises to call, won't wait weeks
I pray that he is gainfully employed
And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door
Massages my back and begs to do more
Oh send me a man who makes love to my mind
Knows just what to say when I ask, "how big's my behind"?
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen
I pray that this man will love me no end
And never attempts to shag my best friend
And as I kneel and pray by my bed
I look at the shithead you sent me instead!!! Amen
--------------------------------------------------------------------
No offence to anyone here!!
Desert Island
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.
2 French men and 1 French woman.
2 German men and 1 German woman.
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman.
2 English men and 1 English woman.
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman.
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman.
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman.
2 Kiwi men and 1 Kiwi woman.
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of
nowhere...
The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
"menage a trois".
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with
the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the
woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the
woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature
of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Australians are all wankers, so who cares?
The two Kiwi men start searching the island for sheep while the woman gets
friendly with a big banana she's found.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting
up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it
gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but
happily, at least they know the English aren't getting any...
Posted by shithappens
Posted by buluayam
Pervert scam
True Story -
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution
for the following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be
able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their
prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments
via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that
under the present law they are unable to supply the materials
and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their
customers' money in the form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother
to present these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The
Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.
___________________________________________________________
Funny quotes
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-Steve Bluestone-
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-George Carlin-
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres-
It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper
dryin' on the clothesline.
-George Lindsey-
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler-
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-John Mendoza-
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us
from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson-
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
-Jerry Seinfeld-
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother
is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-Ellen DeGeneres-
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin-
Posted by buluayam
Dog Named Mypenis
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name
was Mypenis?
- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on
a leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty
pounds! me(Rob)
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited
anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the
lady next door.
- If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and
hard to carry.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for
Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis
to the hospital.
- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
Posted by soichiro
chicken with an acute sense of humour, that is buluayam!
Posted by buluayam
What pissed me off?
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
___________________________________________________________
The Preachers Ass
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told
there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one
and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so
steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since
he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races,
and to his surprise the donkey came in third.
The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines,
"Preacher's Ass shows"
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the races again and this time he won! The papers said,
"Preacher's Ass out in Front" The Bishop was so upset with this
kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the
donkey in another race.
The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches
Preacher's Ass". This was just too much for the Bishop and he
ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.
The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The headlines the next day read, "Nun has the Best Ass in Town"
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey
and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for
$10.00.
The paper states, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"
They buried the Bishop the next day.
___________________________________________________________
Old Relatives
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
Posted by soichiro
wicked!
Posted by shithappens
u're on a row dude....keep em coming.....
Posted by buluayam
Castrating Headache
A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think,
or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors
examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He
finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the
country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the
pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The
constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only
thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."
The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not
difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches.
He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The
pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He
is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a
small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a
suit.
"Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?"
"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.
"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few
things" said the tailor."
The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked
so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.
"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.
"Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing."
"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few
things".
The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The
man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk
boxers too."
The tailor said, "36 right?"
"I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good.
I wear size 34 boxers."
The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long
time and I think you need 36."
The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've
worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to
disagree with you on this one".
"Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want.
But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size
34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you
terrible headaches."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Tragedy
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the
students if anyone can give him an example of a "TRAGEDY". One
little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives
next door was playing in the street when a car came along and
killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY." "No," Clinton says, "That
would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a
TRAGEDY." I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we
would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other
children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one
here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he
speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were
blown up by a bomb, that would be a TRAGEDY." "Wonderful!"
Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and
it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Posted by kimcheeboi
why did they call it PMS? Cause mad cow disease was already taken!
Posted by buluayam
Hotter than Hades
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the
world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives
two possibilities.
#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by
Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night
in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I
still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2
cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Great Debate
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews
had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from
the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay.
If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a
middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for
one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither
side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his
hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and
raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around
his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope
pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an
apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too
good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our
religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and
showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had
three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was
leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared
of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took
out mine."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Give up drugs
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem
like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance
rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try
to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up
drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the
first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor,
I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen
people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a
diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them
this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle
is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" The judge asked the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs
forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you
manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said,
'This small circle is your asshole before prison....'"
Posted by shithappens
good stuff...heard them before but still good nevertheless....keep em coming mate.....
Posted by shithappens
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with, the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front
porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
life since I last saw you. Is thereanything for which your heart still
yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish.
"The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor... I'm living
hand-to-mouth on my disability checks, and
I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension". Instantly, her rocking
chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do
you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were
young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage
returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more. "You have one more wish. What shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so
beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new
life.
And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairygodmother
was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments,
Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly
perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella,
who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered.........
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
Posted by Vlammetje
Posted by kimcheeboi
now thats a damned funny joke