Posted by mhorton
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick.
She found herself a filthy-rich 75 year old man. The plan was
to screw him to
death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in
spite of the
half-century age difference.
The night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for
him to come out
of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom
to cover a
twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and
a pair of nose
plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What
are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't
stand: the sound of a
woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
_________________
Mark
mark@cruisequest.co.uk
www.cruisequest.co.uk
[ This Message was edited by: mhorton on 2002-06-22 22:37 ]
Posted by arroyootje
nice one
Posted by mhorton
I thought so
Posted by Eamonn
heheh
Posted by mhorton
Got that from someone at work
Posted by Eamonn
i need more
Posted by mhorton
You need more what?
Posted by Eamonn
i need more jokes u silly sausage
Posted by mhorton
O right!!
Posted by sooty
A man in a gym locker picks up a cellphone.
"Hi Honey', the female voice says "Remember that furcoat, oh can I have it pleaaaazzzze ?"
Sure, the guy replies.
"And what about this Mercedes SLK I saw recently?", she asks.
No problem, he says.
"Can I call the constructors to build that swimming pool then?", she asks.
Off course, the man replies.
She hangs up ecstactically:"Thank you honey, I love you !"
The man looks around and asks: "Whose phone is this ?"
Posted by john74
excellent one
Posted by lor
sooty, that last joke was EXCELLENT
E-X-C-E-L-L-E-N-T
Posted by mhorton
I have another joke for you!!!!!!!!!
Sir Alex Ferguson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.
Chris Tarrant says "Right Sir Alex, this is for one million
pounds, and remember,you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.
Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a set? Is it
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?
Fergie ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."
Chris says "Right, Sir Alex, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with."
"Badger" and "cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.
Fergie has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
"So who are you going to call, Sir Alex?" says Chris.
"Hmmm..." ponders Fergie. "I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionnaire'. I've got Sir Alex Ferguson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sir Alex's".
"Hello David" says Fergie. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set?
Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" "It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. "You sure, son?" says Fergie.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Fergie, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. Final answer."
"Sir Alex," says Chris, "that's the correct answer. You've won one million pounds!!" Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Fergie calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the feck did you know that a badger lives in a set?" says Fergie.
"Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock."
Posted by john74
Subject: The Princess
>>
>>
>> >
>> > Once upon a time there lived a king.
>> > The king had a beautiful daughter,
>> > the princess.
>> >
>> > But there was a problem.
>> > Everything the princess touched would melt.
>> > No matter what;
>> > metal,
>> > wood,
>> > stone,
>> > anything she touched would melt.
>> > Because of this, men were afraid of her.
>> > Nobody would dare marry her.
>> > The king despaired.
>> > What could he do to help his daughter?
>> > He consulted his wizards and magicians.
>> > One wizard told the king,
>> > "If your daughter touches one thing
>> > that does not melt in her hands,
>> > she will be cured."
>> >
>> >
>> > The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
>> >
>> > The next day,
>> > he held a competition.
>> > Any man that could bring his daughter an
>> > object that would not melt would marry her
>> > and inherit the king's wealth.
>> > Three young princes took up the challenge.
>> >
>> > The first prince brought a sword of the finest
>>steel.
>> >
>> > But alas,
>> > once the princess touched it,
>> > it melted.
>> > The prince went away sadly.
>> >
>> > The second prince brought diamonds.
>> >
>> > He thought diamonds are the hardest substance
>> > in the world and would not melt.
>> > But alas,
>> > once the princess touched them,
>> > they melted.
>> > He too was sent away disappointed.
>> >
>> > The third prince approached.
>> > He told the princess,
>> > "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what
>> > is in there."
>> > The princess did as she was told,
>> > though she turned red.
>> >
>> > She felt something hard.
>> > She held it in her hand.
>> >
>> > And it did not melt!!!
>> >
>> > The king was overjoyed.
>> > Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
>> > And the third prince married the princess
>> > and they both lived happily ever after.
>> >
>> > Question:
>> >
>> > What was in the prince's pants?
>> >
>> > (Scroll down for the answer)
>> >
>> > V
>> >
>> > V
>> >
>> > V
>> >
>> > V
>> >
>> > V
>> >
>> > V
>> > M&M's of course.
>> > They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
>> > [IMAGE]
>> > What were you thinking you pervert?
Posted by sector11
try this web site for joks
www.pics4fun.com
Posted by josch
This is a good one.
> > A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of
> > his dad bouncing up and down.
> >
> > The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her
> > son has seen she dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees
> > his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The mother
> > replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I
> > have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
> >
> > You're wasting your time." says the boy. "When you go shopping the
> > lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right
> > back up."
Posted by brownjs
great jokes
really good
hear is one (it is not htat funny)
What is the first thing a blond does when she wakes up?
scrooll down fort answer
''
'
'
'
'
goes home
Posted by mhorton
Here are some conversations, which had actually
happened between help desk people and their customers:
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right! -click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote'click'."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still getting
the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS W! ord setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:
------------------------------------------! -----
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell th! at?"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well th! en we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now.
You need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try
a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because
you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID'field?"
Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
-------------------------------------------! ----
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
----------------------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I don't need any ! of that SQL stuff-I just want a database!"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I don't have a space bar
That just about covers my first day....can only get better eh?
Posted by Fahed_2000
The last one is a killer, i am goning to email it to my mates
Posted by Fahed_2000
The last one is a killer, i am goning to email it to my mates
Posted by mhorton
Posted by evoke
hehehe. I like the helpdesk quotes!
Posted by mhorton
They are good
Posted by brownjs
last one is great come on tell us what happened on your second day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by mhorton
We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. Ok, well now hear the guys' side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1." ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1.If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done... not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Drinking, Women, or Sports
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
1. I AM in shape. - ROUND is a shape
Posted by mhorton
I have another one for you
___________________________________________________________
man goes into jewellers and starts scratching his arse like mad.
jeweller threatens to kick him out,
man says "but your sign says come in and pick you ring in comfort"
Posted by mhorton
Books For Schools
Kids books that were rejected:
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Tony
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Granddad Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
16. Strangers Have the Best Sweets
17. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
18. You Were an Accident
19. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
20. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
21. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
22. Your Nightmares Are Real
23. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
24. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Miss Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
25. Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
26. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Posted by lor
more more !!
Posted by mhorton
You like then?, As soon as I get them I will post them
Posted by lor
yeah man, i'm a pretty big joke collector meself
Posted by mhorton
Here you go.
__________________________________________________________
Dear Supervisors
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their coworkers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however,
realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your
feelings when communicating with coworkers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF
And when the f**k do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF
No nice way.
TRY SAYING
Really?
INSTEAD OF
You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF
It's not my nice problem.
TRY SAYING
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF
What the f**k?
TRY SAYING
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF
This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF
He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF
Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF
f**k it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF
Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF
This job sucks.
TRY SAYING
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.
TRY SAYING
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF
He's a prick.
TRY SAYING
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF
She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF
You don't know what the f**k you're doing.
Thank You, Human Resources
Posted by mhorton
"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7" -
David
Beckham
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league" -
Mark Viduka
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's
the
only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager
I've
ever had." - David Beckham
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed
at
the end of the day." - Neville Southall
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which
were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully
after that as well." - Alan Shearer
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win
the
World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." - Peter Shilton
"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but
let
me state that I don't want to leave Leicester." - Stan Collymore
"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the
screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My
first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there
playing."
- Ade Akinbiyi
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." - Ian Wright
"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." - Ugo Ehiogu
"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in
Middlesborough." - Jonathan Woodgate
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." -
Lee Hendrie
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
-Ian Rush
"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out
there today." - Steve Lomas
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right
sock." - Barry Venison
"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
religion yet." - David Beckham
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European."
- Phil Neville
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." -
Alan Shearer
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny
Giles
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry.
Posted by Eamonn
hahahaha
Posted by lor
mark, now that is some GOOD SHIT
especially those quotes
))
where do you get em from?
Posted by mhorton
From work. People e-mail them to me. I put the good ones up on here
Posted by mixin
keep em coming
Posted by mhorton
Yeah I will do. I'll should get some more tommorrow.
Posted by brownjs
they are great yes more tomorrow great where do you get them from
Posted by mhorton
I get them from work. I'll post some more tomorrow afternoon
Posted by Unibond
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Posted by Unibond
LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a
time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own nice business!!"
*****************************************************LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides
of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top
and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
*****************************************************LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the nice difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
*****************************************************LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
*****************************************************LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just nice beautiful!"
Posted by brownjs
great joke superb little billy
Posted by mhorton
Posted by Unibond
Strang Sex Laws
1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but
theb animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Makes you hope you never need surgery!)
3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This
also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Whoa!)
5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover,
on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah Justice!)
7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
8. In Cali,Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time. (This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."(Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam, though
!!)
(PS - These were sent to me, I didn't mean to offend no one in fact I don't even know if thier true. I guess they are, I once had a site with dumb laws from around the world, I'll try to find it for you T.M.)
Posted by dmgpizen
Posted by mhorton
Sorry I have no more jokes today, Maybe there will be some tomorrow
Posted by Unibond
Here is the site I promised you www2.dumblaws.com
It might be slow or not work at all since they have a lot of traffic lately.
T.M.
[ This Message was edited by: Unibond on 2002-06-24 17:05 ]
Posted by brownjs
great jokes
the weird laws (mainly) sex ones
some probably are true but i doubt that some of them are true
Posted by mhorton
I'll have a look then
Posted by mhorton
Last week I was with one of my summer interns in the lobby when
receptionist complained that her printer wasn't working. The intern
horsed around with it and discovered a pen stuck inside the
printer.
He started to jam his fingers down into the printer to get the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabs a piece of paper and starts scrawling on it. I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
This is what he found.
Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.
NOW YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURE........
