FS: Entire England Football team!

Hardly used and in near-new condition, this under-achieving and overrated team is still useful as PERFECT CURE FOR INSOMNIA!

Swedish-trained, these players are perfectly docile and quite harmless, especially in front of goal. Doze off while watching them run around aimlessly!

While described as being “world class”, the perennial quarter-finalists struggle to beat international football powerhouses like Trinidad & Tobago, Ecuador, Azerbaijan and Poland, and been humbled recently by sleeping giants… the mighty Northern Ireland.

But buyers beware: These players are highly-strung and prone to bursting into tears.

They also suffer a severe allergic reaction at the mere mention of the words “quarter-final” or “Luiz Felipe Scolari.” This rare condition has resulted in their exit from the last three major tournaments.

Symptoms include: Anxiety, which usually last for around two hours, followed by severe depression; a crippling lack of composure from around twelve yards; uncontrollable weeping; bruising (in particular of the ego); denial and blaming everyone else (Argentinean referees beware!).

To maximise your viewing pleasure out of this team, why not buy your own crowing, biased commentators to go with them.

Also included in the sale is 3.5million used St George Cross flags with tear stains, which will not be required for some time. And 22 “England World Cup Winners 2006” t-shirts, made months before the tournament, which turned out to be surplus to requirements.

This unique line-up, hardly used and lacking a Captain, includes a petulant 19-year old Scouser who may be prone to stamping on your bollicks if he doesn’t get his own way. His appearance may also frighten small children.

We regret to inform that Frank ‘Too Cool For School’ Lampard is included in this sale as the team must be sold as a whole, complete with a vast array of hair & beauty products.

WAGS sold separately.


Please note: Backbone or spirit not supplied.

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On 05-Jul-06 at 11:48:44 BST, seller added the following information:

Thanks for all the comments and enthusistic / derogitory(!) responses so far! Keep them coming! I've even had a phone call from the press!

Q: asking about the wags again. u should really reconsider swapping them for the team... they got tits aint they.. better than a squad with no balls.
06-Jul-06
A: True ... but try not to think quite so much about the wags -- have a cold shower .. or watch the England world cup highlights.


Q: Would you consider swapping them for a truck load of Scottish flags that were intended for use as a sign of patriotism on motor cars North of the border...more
06-Jul-06
A: Sounds like a good deal -- we could do with some more flags


Q: WOULDNT IT BE GOOD TO SEE THAT TEAM DOING A WALKERS ADVERT! WELL I MEAN IF THE THAMES COULD HOLD THE TEARS, I THINK IT COULD BE A WINNER ! (WELL THEY COULD...more
06-Jul-06
A: The sales might go down tho...


Q: Would you consider exchanging the above item for the following: Tartan Army (50). Poor condition, 30-40 years old, overweight and balding, bad skin and...more
06-Jul-06
A: I'm thinking about it....


Q: I realise you said no WAGS were included but if you would add one to sweeten the deal then I may be buyer. Wayne Rooney's wee bit would do. I have a long...more
06-Jul-06
A: Oh well ..... OK then!