Posted by Linkinpark17UK
I have been friends with this girl for a long time now but i never had the courage to tell her how i felt about her, she recently told me she is getting married, so i am asking you whether i should tell her or just keep quiet.
My biggest wish for her is to be happy, however i feel miserable that i never told her how i truely felt about her.
So what should i do?
Posted by Muga
Tell her an c wat happens u never know wen it comes to girls. Good luck
Posted by Coxy
Tell her, see if she is thinking the same way. You could always say it was a joke if things go horribly wrong....
Posted by 50Cent
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The joke thing never works... well ive never seen it work before at least. Depends on a lot of things really... would you lose her as a friend if you told her what ur thinkin and she didnt feel the same way?
Posted by Coxy
It can work with a lot of hard work i spose. It also depends if she really really likes the other guy...
Posted by PeterKay
Reminds me of an indian movie i once watched.
It must be very painful to see her getting married, if you are very close to her try telling her and see what happens. After she's married its too late.
All the best.
Posted by kk.226
If I were you i'd tell her... it's obvious you don't want her as a friend, otherwise you wouldn't be asking yourself this question. Tell her how you feel... you never know.
Posted by axxxr
My advice would be to tell her,because if you don't its something you will regret for the rest of your life.
At least by showing your true feelings towards her,regardless of her response,you won't feel later that you should have her told her.
And you never know she might even change her mind,its a risk worth taking if you really do love her.
Posted by govigov
A very bad position dude. You would be doing injustice to yourself by not telling her, thats gonna bug you for a long time. If you say and she says no, and have a big fight, its gonna make matters worse for you as well as her. Girls/women usually get over this sorta thing pretty fast and in the end you would live a very miserable and sh!tty days. If as you had said wanna see her just happy even if it is with someone else, is one heck of a cock and bull story that you see in movies.
Control your emotion, dude and live up the life, and soon you will forget about the infactuation and would see her as a really good friend for a long time..
If you really really wanna say it, go ahead.
Posted by Sammy_boy
Tricky one this. Do you risk losing or falling out with a good friend or risk all in the hope that she reciprocates your feelings?
It may be worth having a good talk with her, try to guage her feelings towards you, whether it's just good friends or if she's harbouring other feelings towards you. If you think she does, then go for it. If not, then hold back.
It depends I guess as well as if you still want her as a friend - sometimes being told that she just wants to be friends is as bad as being told she can't stand you!
Posted by rrojas260
Shes going to tell you that she loves you too but as a friend or if you are lucky shes going to tell you that maybe if you had said her earlier things could be different.
Shes not going to cancel her wedding or anything you can trust me.
Sorry to tell you this but is too late, do not delay things so much next time.
My advice: tell her or you are going to feel bad anyway
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[ This Message was edited by: rrojas260 on 2006-03-23 21:41 ]
Posted by kk.226
Tell her man, you don't want to walk away, letting her go and thinking "Why didn't I just..." If you do everything you can, you'll have no regrets.
Posted by BobaFett
let her go... if u are good friends, it should stay as it is. a friend is always there, who knows how it will turn out if u get in any deeper relationship. my best friend is a girl, on some way she would be the perfect one for me, but we are friends and somewhere deep inside in my soull i feel a bit more for here as for a "normal" friend, but thats it. i like that hidden feeling in me, she knows about it aswell.
ps: buy the movie "casablanca" ( one of my favourites ) and give her as a gift. she ll understand, why u did it. if not, she never felt the same for u, what u to her.
Posted by haynesycop
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100% agree, life is way to short and you never know what may happen! I say go for it mate, you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't
Best of luck!
Posted by masseur
you're all wrong I'm afraid.
The answer is that you say nothing and you be happy for the decision she has taken.
The reason is that if she felt something for you, you would know it by know. Since you have been friends for a long time there would have been some situation, even if in jest, that would have let the cat out of the bag or given the game away somehow
Also she is most unlikely to be marrying someone because she didn't get you.
Anything else is selfish on your part and you are most likely going to get hurt IMHO
Posted by govigov
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Then worst feeling ever will hit you someone else taking the lady away from you. The repercussion would be horrific. The felling of rejection.
Posted by haynesycop
No no no no!
Tell her how you feel, yes there is a chance of her rejecting you, but she may feel the same way. If she doesn't then yes you will be gutted but time is a healer and it will get better. If she goes ahead and get married then so be it.
Least you have tried. At the end of the day it is up to you but i think you have already made the decision on what to do.
Posted by BobaFett
might be she knows that u feel more for her. notice: women handle and manage things after sense, so imo she knos whats up in u at the moment. but its her life, her decision. u dont gonna loose her, she ll be laways there, if it is.
Posted by kk.226
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Not at all sonny. If she doesn't feel the same way then it simply isn't meant to be. IF it doesn't work out, then of course he'll feel down for a bit, but if he doesn't try he'll never find out.
I was good friends with my girlfriend before we were togather... For some reason I didn't think that we'd end up togather, but i'm glad she made the choice to tell me how she felt. Now i'm in love with her... and she is with me... point being... I didn't see what was right infront of my eyes, sometimes we all need a little help in seeing these things.
Posted by Xugaa
i think that you can't hide the way you feel the whole of your life, it'll just eat you up inside... despite this, you want her to be happy, so think, if you did tell her, would you possibly break that happiness, or more importantly for you, her friendship... i think that its good to let her know and all, but you need to also take into mind of the consequences of that action, would it make things bad between you and her and/or would it spoil what she is soon to have. but then, if you know her well, perhaps you know that she is not the sort of person to get angry at you, maybe she will sympathise for the way you feel and let you down gently, at least now its off your chest, or do you think that by telling her, there might be something possible between you two... if you've read that chunk, well done, think about that. good luck for whatever your choice
Posted by amnesia
if it's me I'd stay quiet.
If she's marrying the guy, it means she cares about him (or at least should).
Telling her could ruin a marriage and/or ruin your friendship and/or ruin her life with confusing thoughts.
However she could always come running to you, but that would leave the other guy devistated.
It comes to you actually determining whether it's a risk you want to take.
Posted by clank
If i were you i'd say quiet....
The stakes are very high for you....if things dont go well you might just end up losing a friend as well. Also as has been pointed out if she's marrying the other guy she must care for him and in that case its not your job as a true friend to mess things up for her now.
I know the prospect of living your life with a "what if?" sounds horrific but in this case i feel letting her go will be the best thing. Just enjoy your friendship and be there for her if she needs you..........
Posted by brownlad007
if i was you, i would just tell here, u'll regret it all your life. if she says no, then ur in the shits
Posted by gregface
wait til the wedding then break down in tears, sure that has worked for some of us in the past.
Posted by *Jojo*
@linkin - I totally AGREE with Masseur here ! If the girl liked you . . . then your long-time of being friends will result to you both going STEADY now . . . though you still have other options left mate . . . if you want to become a HERO . . . wait for sometime until the two files for DIVORCE or go separate ways, then it's the TIME for you to ENTER the Dragon . . . Ooops, I mean the - SCENE, that will be just SAD though if they already have a kid after that
If you are planning to give her a Wedding Gift . . . might as well give it an EARLIER time . . . on the tag, write: "Congratulations my Dear Friend, How I wish that I WAS the Lucky Guy . . ." that's for her to think then.
Good Luck !
Posted by wid-get
live with it man! set her free, is she comes back to you, then you are ment to be.
Posted by JK
If You Want It, Take It!!!!
Posted by scotsboyuk
@Linkinpark17UK
It doesn't take Freud to work out that you are now considering telling this girl how you feel about her because you fear losing her. However, you must be careful not to act out of fear. If you act rashly through fear then you risk, not only not being with this girl in a romantic fashion, but also your friendship with her.
Has this girl every shown any romantic interest in you? If not then you may have to consider the possibility that she has no such interest in you. I am sorry to be so blunt, but that is the reality of the situation. You should ask yourself who telling the girl of your feelings would benefit? Of course there is the powerful argument of 'feint heart never won fair lady' and not having any regrets, but one should consider something else if one is looking down that path. Would you be telling her just so that you do not have regrets or because you genuinely felt that it was the right thing to do for the girl?
You must consider not only your own feelings, but those of others. How would the girl feel? If she doesn't reciprocate your feelings then you may both find your relationship becoming increasingly awkward because of your revelation until it comes to the point where your friendship deterioates. Would you be prepared to risk losing her completely and not even having her friendship? It may also affect this girl's husband to be. What if he learns of your feelings for his fiance? Perhaps your declaration might ruin their relationship and cause this girl to suffer if she looses the man she has chosen to be with. You must of course listen to your heart and do what you feel is best, but you must not forget to consider the consequences of your actions upon those around you.
Love, in my opinion, is wanting someone to be happy no matter what, even if it comes at a cost to one's self. You clearly care for this girl because you said that you wanted her to be happy, but you may have to accept that her happiness will come at the price of you being unhappy. If you truly love this girl then you will have to be prepared to let her go. Learn to let go of what you most fear to loose, in that way you will rid yourself of that fear and will enable yourself to see the best path forward unclouded by fear.
Posted by leeboy13
ive read through all these responses and all make sense really... I think that if you did go for it and tell her, you could still save your friendship by being really smart. If she says no, make it clear that all you want is for her to be happy, you only felt that you should tell her becuase how close you were and in a couple of months she'll be married and to say it then would of been much much worse. If you truely want her to be happy you'd take her decision (if it was not to be with you) and really make her feel comfortable with you after telling her. Then and only then must you discard your feelings for her and be a friend (be happy for her and her future husband)... But until then i dont think your feelings will disserpear for a long time.....
So if you do go for it, keep in mind that it may go wrong and that you will have to simply let go and be friends....
All the ebst in your decision
lee
Posted by Bambino
same story with me 12 years ago. all u have to do is tell her ur feeling. just tell her! dont make the same mistake as i did! i regret it until now.
the most important thing that she must know ur feeling, Just tell her okay!
Posted by axxxr
Absolutely I agree,best to to tell her how you feel now rather than regret it for the rest of your life,at least you'll know where you stand.
Posted by x_lucy_x
Let her know how you feel, but make sure u go about it the right way. Even if she says that it isnt meant to be you wouldnt want to lose her as a friend, give her a call make sure she can talk and ask, then u can have a battery failing moment or a random knock at the door if it all goes horribly wrong! x
Posted by etaab
I think everyone has made some very good comments and suggestions, and i agree with most of them. However, i think we need more information before we can blindy say he should tell her how he feels. Since the start of this thread, Linkinpark17UK hasnt posted since. When is she getting married ? Has she ever shown an interest in you ? and if she has, are you sure you interpreted it correctly as meaning she likes you ?
This girl in question is getting married. People do not get married lightly these days, unless its for the lure of money or status. Has this girl ever shown a romantic interest in you ? if she has, are you sure its not just your imagination ? men and women work differently, where a woman will interpret a man smiling at her as him simply being polite, a man will interpret a woman smiling at him as meaning she fancies you. Its a common mistake all men make.
I think in this case its important that before you run the risk of losing her friendship by telling her you see her more than a friend, you at least attempt to determine whether your feelings are shared. If they are not and you tell her, it could potentially blow up in your face.
Normally when people ask me for advice, i always say honesty is the best policy, it has always worked for me, and usually works for everyone else. Whether the other person feels the same or not usually makes no difference i always say tell the other person, but the fact shes getting married complicates this case further. By telling her you run the risk of losing her friendship forever, or at the bare minimum creating bad feelings between the two of you, and her partner for the rest of your lives.
If it were me, id tell her, but id do it carefully. Put no pressure on her, make sure she understands if she does not and never will feel the same things will remain normal, you'll always be a friend. If you try pressuring her into something she doesnt want, of be it she does want it but is too scared to make a move herself, again you run the risk of ruining her life, yours and her partners.
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I'm in that predicament myself right now. I was seeing a woman on and off last year, but we never officially got it together, mainly due to her not trusting me, her paranoia, he seeing me giving other women Christmas kisses. We spent a few nights together through December and into January, and i told her how i felt, and i know for a fact she felt the same. However, come mid January she just said she only wanted to be friends, and has being saying the same ever since. She now says she has no feelings for me at all, and that she never will.
The bad part is, she still gets jealous if she sees me talking to other women, she still pressures me about wanting to know whether i care about her or not (ive told her 1000 times i care ), yet she still does not believe me. I still catch her looking at me in the same way she used to, i still feel like theres a deep connection between the two of us.
Right now, i feel like im being torn apart, just like Linkinpark17UK, so i know how you feel buddy.
Posted by jagger2k
wait until the wedding day and just before she says i do, then shout WAIT!!!! i love you!! and tape it and put it on youtube lol. Only joking, tell her how you feel, it will eat you up inside otherwise.
Posted by joebmc
If you tell her and she rejects you, your loose her as a friend.
If you don’t tell her you’re always regret it for what could have been.
Sounds like you’ve been friends for a while and stayed only friends (maybe there’s a reason for this).
If she really is planned on marrying, she obviously wants and plans to spend the rest of her life with the other guy and not you (sorry).
Hard choice, personally I’d keep quite and try to move on and be happy that she’s found happiness with the other guy.
Posted by Syrus_20
Had a long ass read through all this, enough advice to write a book here lol, ur probs more confused now than before!.
Anyway the way i see it:
At the moment: You feel like shit
If you tell her and she says no: You feel like shit
You dont tell her: You feel like shit
But if you do tell her & she says yes: What shit?
There you go
I'd say tell her...important part is how you tell her, obv do it so you can still be friends, maybe better than you are now..that is if it goes ugly.
Anyway mate, good luck, let us know how it turns out!
Posted by fatreg
you leave her be,
if she has made a mistake youll know about it soon enough.
fatreg
Posted by max_wedge
Etaab, in my experience this type of woman wants to be adored. But they just want the attention, they don't actually want to give anything back.
They love the attention, they love knowing that someone loves them unconditionally (ie: someone who has loved them for years and who they know always will, but who makes no demand on them. In other words someone whose feelings they don't have to consider)
I've just had a big fight with a friend of mine (who I once had feelings for but got over that years ago - we remained good friends). This fight was started because she was never prepared to put herself out for me when I needed emotional support, yet always expected me to "be there" for her no matter what. When her life went to shit because of the stupid men she insisted on dating, my life had to go on hold so that I could spend every evening talking her through the same f..king shit every night - for weeks or months on end.
In the end I just got the jack of it and shit was she surprised when I told her I wasn't happy. She really expected that because of how I'd felt for her once, that I was some sort of superhuman who was this "rock" whose only consideration in life was her happiness. In a sense she used me for emotional support, so that she could keep dating men who wouldn't give her emotional support (but to whom she was sexually attracted or as she incorrectly thought of it "soulmates").
I haven't spoken to her in weeks, because after I tried to talk to her about it she wouldn't let me talk (kept interupting) and then told me to "spit it out" because she didn't have time to listen to me ramble on (I was only trying to explain how I felt - which I couldn't do properly because she kept interupting).
So my advice to anyone, don't waste time with women who don't know what they want. You'll end being used by them.
Posted by Linkinpark17UK
I read all the posts and i still don't know what to do, i am planning to meet her soon and see how she is, if she seems happy then i'll probably stay silent, she has suffered from so much unhappiness before in the past and if this her chance to be happy i won't get in the way.
Posted by haynesycop
Best of luck to you hope it all works out.
Posted by shivam007
It seems the gal doesn't loves you , and for a successful relationship its important that both are in love.... So its better you find some1........ Btw what's this topic doin here.. !!
Posted by etaab
@ Linkinpark17UK - well done mate, good on you. If she does seem really happy i wouldnt rock the boat. Like fatreg said, if her marriage isnt meant to be, it isnt meant to be and one day you might get a chance, but for the time being let her live her own life.
@ max_wedge - I could not agree more. The woman im so crazy about right now is exactly the type you described. All her friends are predominantly male, and its bizarre how they are all so easily wrapped around her little finger and walk around like lemmings doing anything she asks. She only ever got involved with me because she was impressed by how she couldnt charm me like the rest, and that i have stronger character, she found me more intriguing. Shes admitted to me aswel as it being obvious to everyone that she loves attention, and expects everyone to put themselves out for her.
Like you said, she expects me to always be there for her and do anything for her, yet when it comes to my needs she'll just tell me to shut up or say "dont start". I recently had a big fight with her, because she said she has better friends who care more - how can she say that when ive told her how i feel !? I told her she never appreciates anything i do for her, and im sick of it.
It all came to a head last night, we went out on the town and so did one of her best male friends (who ironically told her a while back hes in love with her, its pathetic watching him sit there staring at her like a loyal puppy while she really thinks hes just being a mate). I had to put up with constant abuse and digs from this guy, simply because he is her best friend, and that hes jealous because he has never been with her in the way that i have (hes told her he hates me), she sees him as a platonic friend only and has said she'd never see him as anything else. However, something in my mind clicked last night, i realised she'll never allow me to get as close as her best friend, or other friends and that she'll always keep me at arms length because of how i feel about her.
Therefore ive decided, instead of biting my lip around her so called best friend im not going to hold back anymore. If it means losing her because i end up fighting with him, verbally or physically so be it. Im not going to live my life like one of her royal lapdogs.
max_wedge, everything you have said is exactly what is happening to me right now, and im sick of it, its almost like you're living a carbon copy of my life. You're right, she is using me for emotional and financial support, yet whenever i tell her what i want she has no interest and will fall out with me if i try to tell her how im feeling.
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[ This Message was edited by: etaab on 2006-03-25 12:30 ]
[ This Message was edited by: etaab on 2006-03-25 12:32 ]
Posted by shaliron
This reminds me of the movie My Best Friend's Wedding. Exactly the same scenario. In the movie it ends up horribly for the best friend and that's what I'd suspect it would be anyway. Just like what masseur said, if she had the same feelings she would have already told you.
Posted by bombadil
@all: Am I at esato?????
Posted by mutleyboy
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yes you are at esato, but you are also in the non-mobile discussion where people can talk about anything they want to, so I feel there is no problem with a thread such as this
Posted by Minister
If she's getting married, probably it's family pressure or she's in love with someone already: if latter is true, it clearly negatives your possibility with her. But do ask yourself, are you really ready for this girl? Just falling in love is not enough you see; you must also foresee the consequences.
She might abandon this guy for you but probably not her family and their wish of seeing their daughter married. Could you marry her now if she wanted you to? Don't waste your time playing romeo (seeing her happy, you'd leave, etc) cause people are nowadays blind and cold to another's emotions.
If you want change, you must act and act fast. No one can help the situation any better than yourself. Besides, cheer up man. It's not the end. I wish you the best but if you don't make it through and still survive, take it as a test, from God, you passed only to make yourself stronger.
Posted by max_wedge
etaab, amazing coincidence. I can completely relate. You are doing the right thing by being assertive. I still don't know if my friend is going to come around or not, but I'm certainly not interested in a relationship where it's one sided. The funny things is she's really hurt, because I won't "support" her anymore. But apparently it's all my fault and it's up to me to continue being the strong silent type.
If she just gave me a little support, just a tiny little bit, I'd be there for her. I'm a pretty typical sort of guy and don't need a lot of emotional support, which makes it even more stupid that she can't even give the little I ask for occasionally. All her relationships are about what's in it for her.
Meanwhile she maintains a boyfriend who is never there for her emotionally at all, lives his own life (she can't stand that) and refuses to be bullied by her constant demands, but with whom she has great sex. Like I said, she doesn't know what she wants. Or more like this; she knows what she wants in a man, but thinks she can get a little slice of every different thing she wants from several different blokes, and meanwhile somehow ignore those parts of each bloke in her life that she doesn't like, and then not understand when all these blokes get the shits because she has no time for their needs.
Arghh! The stupid thing is, if she only let me rant on occasionally about my own problems when we talked (instead of it always being me listening to her rant), return the frequent massages I give her (even only ten percent of them), and here's the big one - let me talk to her about problems in our friendship without making out I'm just making things difficult for no good reason; if she could do those things I wouldn't have felt the need to start this cold war that's between us.
But I'm damned if I'm going to be railroaded by her anymore - it's her turn to think about it for a while. I'm so sick of thinking about how to keep her f..king happy and not lose myself in the process....my head hurts. So I'm looking after myself for now.
Posted by *Jojo*
@linkin - Yeah . . . leave it as it is mate! Just always remember that the ratio is: 1:4 ! For every GUY there is an alloted 4 BABES
! This stats by the way was done in 1611 ! Good luck still . . .
Posted by methylated_spirit
Ask her out and if shge says no, burn SLUT! into her front lawn with some weed killer, then set fire to her garage. Works for me, anyway...
Posted by *Jojo*
@linkin - By the way, Meths used to work in the Arson Division of the Fire Dept. !