Posted by carkitter
Inspired by the recent 'Lightbulb' thread I thought I'd dredge this up.
At a recent computer exposition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that get 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: "If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
- For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
- Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
- The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'General Protection Fault' warning light.
- The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
- Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
- Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
- You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
Found it here
Any suggestions on 'If Cars were like Cellphones'?
Posted by faultymonkey
It would be a bit of a problem trying to take your "car" eveywhere with you in your pocket....
And when someone rang your it would vibrate the surrounding neighbourhood....
Not one of the smartest ideas....
Posted by Glenny
GM sure pi$$£d on Microsofts bonfire
Posted by Sammy_boy
It's an old 'un but a good 'un!
Don't know if that's one of those urban legends or not, but hilarious anyway!
Posted by masseur
ok here's another...
If Microsoft made TV Dinners
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging or the warranty is invalidated.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug, as your freezer should be defrosted periodically anyway.
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[ This Message was edited by: masseur on 2005-09-18 11:01 ]
Posted by carkitter
OK then, here's an example to kick off:
If cars were like cellphones, You brand new Sony Ericsson Automobile would be delivered with a Vodafone banner across the top of the windscreen and all the buttons inside would be shaped like the Voda symbol. It would be available in only two colours: Silver and Black.
It would fail to operate properly within days of delivery and when contacted the dealer would only be able to replace it with a model in the colour you dont want. The replacement model would also fail and the recommended fix from the Dealer would allow the car to operate but with a noticeably lower top speed. You would then have to wait months to be upgraded to the performance the car used to have.
Oh and you would only be allowed to drive on the roads specified by your Dealer unless you get an unbranded car which are few and far between.
Edit: @masseur
Haha! Very good, not seen that before.
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[ This Message was edited by: carkitter on 2005-09-18 11:06 ]
Posted by Glenny
lol, tv dinners.... they made me sick and it has peas in
are you making these up
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[ This Message was edited by: Glenny on 2005-09-18 11:03 ]
Posted by masseur
another oldie for the IT people...
MS-DOS Airline
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it crashes again, then they push again jump on again, and so on.
Mac Airline
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and would you please return to your seat and marvel at the image quality of the in-flight movie.
OS/2 Airline
To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane and the plane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderful trip...except for the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.
Windows 95 Airline
The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, and easy access to the plane. After the plane arrives, 6 months late, you have a completely uneventful takeoff... then, once in the air the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Airline
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are really flying.
Windows XP Airline
The airplane is very pretty, and each passenger gets to choose their own colour and pattern for the paintwork, and their own favourite engine noise. Unfortunately the plane is so heavy and so slow that it is unable to get airbourne,and crashes at the end of the runway. When parked in the hanger, unresolved security bugs in the planes doors AND windows AND luggage-bay AND engines AND wings AND body panels allow theives to break in and steal all the seats.
Unix Airline
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.
BEOS Airline
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them that they have arrived.
Newton Airline
After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane you are asked your name. After 46 times, the crew member recognizes your name and then you are allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your seat, the steward announces that you have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.
VMS Airline
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.
Linux Airline
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself for free. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
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Unless I'm very much mistaken...
my reviews: V800 K700i
[ This Message was edited by: masseur on 2005-09-18 11:04 ]
Posted by Glenny
i guess that was written by a linux user then... theres nothing up with XP, im using it now!! hardly goes slow
Posted by faultymonkey
ROFL!!!!
Very funny!
Posted by masseur
anyone remember this one?
MSN UK is creating what Microsoft calls the world's first Internet outhouse, or iLoo, complete with flat-screen plasma display, wireless keyboard and broadband access. MSN UK spokesman Matthew Whittingham described the portable toilet as the first "WWW.C," referring to the term W.C., or water closet.
"This is another demonstration of Microsoft moving into new product areas to expand its revenue base," said IDC analyst Roger Kay.
The iLoo isn't Microsoft's first attempt at a festival-oriented public PC. "We've had the world's first-ever cyber park bench we launched two years ago," Whittingham said. Like iLoo, the park bench served up Internet access.
The portable lavatory is being tested and will debut at festivals around Great Britain this summer. Microsoft plans to build a single prototype MSN iLoo that will travel the festival circuit, and may build more if the response to the pioneering potty warrants it, Whittingham said.
MSN UK is negotiating with toilet paper manufacturers for special rolls with Web addresses, or URLs, printed on them.
"Reading in the loo, or the bog, is a traditional English pastime," said Jeremy Davies, an analyst with U.K.-based market researcher Context. "We've all seen the magazine racks, loo paper with jokes and cartoons on the walls in toilets up and down the land. You've got to hand it to the creative--and uniquely English--minds at Microsoft."
From the outside, the iLoo is little different from other portable toilets. But inside, Microsoft serves up accoutrements that might rival some iLoo users' home PC setups. A Windows XP- powered computer resides under the sink with connection to 6-channel surround audio. A flat-screen plasma display swivels out from the side of the cabin, and a waterproof wireless keyboard can be placed on the lap for comfort.
The iLoo is equipped with 802.11b wireless networking for providing broadband Internet access. The toilet uses vacuum suction to dispose of waste.
"It's a bit of fun, and it allows younger age groups access to our key services, like Hotmail and MSN Messenger in a fun and interactive way," Whittingham said.
As strange as the iLoo might sound, Davies sees something appropriate about the invention. "We have a pretty unique toilet humor in the U.K.," he said.
A portable john with Internet access could, of course, present some problems at crowded summer events.
"It could induce a certain amount of queuing due to excess browsing on the part of users," Kay said.
To address this problem, the iLoo will be outfitted with a plasma display and waterproof keyboard outside the box, so that those waiting in line can check their Hotmail accounts.
Davies also raised concerns about the long lines. "Like my father always said: 'Get in, get it out, get out,'" he said.
Whittingham agreed that people might take longer in the toilet because of the Internet access. "If they take too long--say, hours--we'll probably bang on the door or something," he said.
Security is another issue. Because of the expensive hardware inside, Microsoft plans to post a guard to protect the iLoo.
"If we didn't post a guard, somebody would probably just lift the whole thing up and walk away with it," Whittingham said.
It's uncertain whether the MSN iLoo will do much for winning new subscribers, but the portable toilet certainly presents a unique way of promoting the brand. Worldwide, Microsoft has about 8.7 million MSN subscribers, a 300,000 decline in the first quarter from the fourth quarter.
Posted by JK
I bet It will have shitty keyboard!!
Posted by Glenny
is it real? i wanna go take a dump now!!!
Posted by carkitter
This thread has been taken off topic by a moderator!?!
Has no-one seen what I wrote at the bottom of the first post?
Posted by Sirhackalot
@carkitter & masseur
Man that was So funny!!! Now That's Humour!!! Just Made my day brighter..
Posted by Gigs
haha been a while since i've seen them..
The other classic pic is the iBrator .. but I won't post that here for reasons that its not really work safe and it'd probably be removed anyhow lol.
I'm sure you missed out the Amiga Airline in that one Mass, which if I recall went something along the lines of of "many people have said they have flown this airline, many people swear they will only fly this airline however no one can actually recall flying this airline at all" .. (I'm sure its stated in a much funnier way though hehe)
Posted by faultymonkey
@ the iloo
Could the surround sound speakers generate "brown noise" to help people..well...releave themseleves easyier.....
Just a thought....(i don't know why though)...